


How To Survive The Unforgiving Jungle of the Employment Market, a Guide by Park Jinyoung

by cococaramel



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, JY/YG friendship as a subplot because they're cute, Mental Health Issues, References to Shakespeare, THIS IS MEANT TO BE A ONESHOT, Unreliable Narrator, and a bit of an ass at first, idk what happened the word count got out of hand, implied anxiety and depression, js is an angel, jy is competitive, other characters are blackpink members, yugyeom and groupchats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 52,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cococaramel/pseuds/cococaramel
Summary: The employment market is a cruel place for young people. Jinyoung got the internship of his dreams, and now he’s on mission to secure his future job position.And he has quite the competition to eliminate.
Relationships: Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang
Comments: 48
Kudos: 93





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : Anxiety and depression are not named as such in the text but are an essential part of the story, proceed with caution if that is something you know could be a trigger to you.
> 
> This was absolutely not planned, I got some requests on Maybe I’m Stupid for an epilogue or for the same story but from Jinyoung’s POV. I tried but it didn’t work so I wrote this instead. It’s technically a companion piece to Maybe I’m Stupid even though the two plots are not connected.
> 
> Also, I must have some divination skills cause I started writing Maybe I’m Stupid a few days before they announced YCMN and I started writing this five hours before they dropped the Bad Lee Domun teasers, wth.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy !

He was the moon.

Of course, Jinyoung didn’t know that before, this was a recent development in his own self-awareness.

An unwelcome development.

He took a great deal of pride in knowing exactly who he is, what his strengths are, and in spotting his weaknesses quick enough to strategise how to conceal them long enough from people around him while he worked on correcting them.

He always corrected them. There was nothing he despised more than people who used _I can’t help it_ , _I can’t do it_ or _it’s who I am_ as excuses to justify their own failures.

_Rule n°1 : You are on your own. No one is looking out for you, there’s a price for friendship._

_Rule n°2 : Don’t depend on anyone that is not you for anything, no matter how long you’ve known them, no matter if they haven’t given you a reason to not trust them yet._

_Rule n°3 : Always do all of your work yourself, if something goes wrong you should only have yourself to answer to._

_Rule n°4 : Always take responsibility for your actions, no matter how badly they reflect on you._

_Rule n°5 : Don’t give away information other people could use against you, stay factual and impersonal._

_Rule n°6 : If you have valuable information such as a breakthrough in a research or the right answer on a test, don’t share it with anyone. They could take credit for it._

_Rule n°7 : Be wary of compliments. They rarely come free of charge._

This is what you’d read on Jinyoung’s survival guide to life in society, if he had actually written it. Sharing his insights with the world would be against his principles, of course.

To say he was competitive would not actually paint the entire picture.

He was existentially competitive.

But how could he not be ? The world itself was made of competitions, in every field, at every moment of your life, from which kid would bring the yummiest snack for recess to who would actually die with a content mind. Everything was a competition, and Jinyoung was hell-bent on not ending up in the ‘losers’ basket.

He would be number one or nothing.

This is how he ended up here, as an intern in the Stage Department of the National Theatre of Korea.

This internship was one of the most coveted in the country, and Jinyoung had had its eyes on it even before he stepped into his university on his first day as a drama major.

Anyone else would have thought, _hey the battle’s won now !_ but not Jinyoung. He was not an idiot. Everything before that was play-fighting, the war had only begun now.

Because the National Theatre of Korea hired many interns, but rarely signed more than one of them in a permanent contract. Some years, they didn’t even sign one.

So you probably guessed it by now, Jinyoung was a man on a mission.

And every mission comes with its load of pitfalls.

Currently, Jinyoung was dealing with a swinging saws obstacle course that could give cartoon spy movies a run for they money, in the form of Kim Yugyeom.

Yugyeom was the other Stage Department intern, Jinyoung’s most immediate competition.

Like a swinging saw, he was fast and unpredictable in the worst possible ways, and he was constantly in Jinyoung’s path. He was loud, obnoxious, and so infuriatingly good at his job. Jinyoung despised him for it.

The guy constantly had a smile on his face, even when the manager gave him the most tedious tasks to complete by the end of the day. He had limitless energy and seemed to have managed to make everyone else his best friend in the span of a few days. And, you know what the worst thing was ? He was young. He was a few years younger than Jinyoung but there he was, in the same position, vying for the same opportunity.

Jinyoung had never wished someone would just disappear before, but he definitely hoped he’d come to work one day to find Yugyeom had taken the midnight train going anywhere so he wouldn’t have to deal with what his presence meant for him.

Jinyoung’s usual strategy would have been to win by checkmate, by either sabotaging Yugyeom or by proving just how much better he was than him at that job. However, that’s not how their manager saw it. Yugyeom and Jinyoung were not adversaries on opposite sides of chessboard : they were teammates.

‘’Jinyoungie-hyuuuung’’ Yugyeom called in his high pitched voice that made Jinyoung fantasise about murder. ‘’Are you done with that ?’’

Jinyoung gathered all of his might to contain his sigh before answering, passing Yugyeom the sheet he had been filling up with the schedule for stage rehearsals.

‘’Yes. Don’t use all the ink in the printer.’’

Yugyeom grabbed the sheet with an enthusiastic yelp and skipped all the way to the printer, that stood at the end of the Stage Department’s interns shared office. The ‘office’ was basically just an old break-room where everyone had dumped the supplies that took too much space in their own offices. There were binders everywhere, in piles, not even aligned on the shelves. Every imaginable colour and brand of pen and highlighter could be found somewhere in a drawer or behind a cupboard, along with some half-bitten pencils and empty glue sticks no one had bothered to throw away. It was only his third day but Jinyoung was already planning how he could organise everything, just so he could _breathe_ , goddammit.

Yugyeom didn’t seem bothered at all by the mess, as he harmonised with the buzz of the printer. It took Jinyoung everything to not shush him, and just move on to his next task.

What was his next task ?

He frowned.

He quickly typed the password on the computer, and pulled up their to-do-list, that their manager uploaded on the shared workspace.

Jinyoung suppressed a groan, dropping his head on the desk.

There was only one task left on the schedule, handing out the rehearsal schedules to everyone in the Theatre, which meant Jinyoung and Yugyeom had to do it together.

Before he could mutter some elaborate curse word made up on the spot, Yugyeom dropped a huge pile of paper on the desk next to his head, making Jinyoung jump.

‘’These things print so fast !’’ the youngest exclaimed. ‘’I want the same one at home.’’

Jinyoung purposefully ignored him, despite his mind going ‘’ _have fun spending a fortune on an ugly machine that’ll take half the space in you apartment, you absolute moron_ ’’. He took the stack of printed schedules and cut it in half, taking his load and getting up to check the map of the Theatre hanging from the wall.

The place was enormous. Jinyoung and Yugyeom had been given a quick tour on their first day, but it was not enough for him to remember his way around yet. Also because he had been too busy marvelling at the stage and processing that he was indeed walking through the National Theatre of Korea, to check for points of reference.

‘’Are we splitting ?’’ Yugyeom asked, dumbfounded. ‘’But isn’t everyone basically in the same area ? I don’t think the people in accounting need these.’’

Jinyoung bit his tongue to refrain from rolling his eyes. Why did the brat have to be right sometimes ?

‘’We can just split on the spot.’’ he added

Jinyoung offered him a flat smile, and gestured towards the door. Yugyeom was out in a second, skipping through the corridor and racing to the elevator.

Jinyoung sighed. Six months were going to be long…

There was a dozen of departments they had to interact with. Jinyoung mentally referred to the accounting and administration department as the ‘office ghosts’ just because they never left their floor to talk to anyone unless there was a problem. If you needed them, you had to get your ass there on your own.

The Stage Department were in charge of managing rehearsals and shows. They were both the sailors and captains of the ship. Because of that, they interacted a lot with the different Technical departments, the gaffers, the set builders, the control-room operators…

Then, there was the Talents Department. It changed depending on the production currently running or rehearsing. Currently, the Theatre was setting up an anticipated grandiose retelling of _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_.

And finally, there were the people that dwelled behind the stage : the makeup and wardrobe departments.

Yugyeom was right, most of these people could be found in the same area.

He had seen the stage on his first day already, but it didn’t stop Jinyoung from freezing on the spot as soon as he found himself overlooking the show hall. It was magnificent. Jinyoung had fantasised about sitting on one of the red seats, in the dark, completely immersed in a show written by internationally recognised authors, starring the actors he admired the most, with a score interpreted by the top musicians in the country.

It was a dream come true, and the beauty of the room took his breath away every single time.

He could not let his chance slide. This was his moment.

‘’You could take this part, I’ll go backstage’’ Yugyeom suggested, pointing at the sheets in their hands

Jinyoung nodded. Not a millisecond later, Yugyeom was already happily jumping down the stairs to climb the stage and disappear backstage. Jinyoung rolled his eyes. What a child.

He turned around to scan the room.

The actors were standing on the beams, gathered around the director who gestured at the empty space as if to explain how the set was going to be built. Jinyoung felt sweat roll down his neck. Could he approach them ? No, no, he was going to make a fool of himself.

Wait, was he supposed to say ? _Hey guys, here’s your schedule for the next two weeks_? No, too casual, they were going to think he was arrogant. Shit. He should have rehearsed his speech on the way down instead of indulging Yugyeom’s rant about their manager’s choice of fonts for their to-do-lists.

Jinyoung backtracked. He could rehearse by handing out the schedules to the technicians. They wouldn’t care if he stumbled on his words, they were too busy to even notice.

After a few minutes, Jinyoung’s stack had gone down significantly. After handing out a sheet to one of the stage directors, Jinyoung turned around.

Alright. He still had all the actors to go through. Oh, and the control room !

Jinyoung rushed up the stairs, all the way up to to the top, to the tinted window pane. He pushed up the door with his shoulder and came in the control room.

‘’No, don’t touch that one, it makes the whole room go dark.’’

‘’Excuse me…’’ Jinyoung said, interrupting the people working

He recognised two of them from his first day, they were interns in the technical department, a boy and a girl. He had not managed to catch their names. The third one was Mark.

Mark was the junior control room manager, he had been an intern a few years earlier but now worked full time in the Theatre. He was not competition.

‘’I have the new schedules.’’ Jinyoung said, raising his stack for them to see

‘’Ah yes, thank you.’’ Mark said, leaving the two interns he was teaching how to use the control panel. ‘’Can I have one more ? Lee went to run an errand.’’

‘’Sure.’’

Jinyoung eyed the two interns as he handed Mark the schedules.

The girl was leaning over the panel, reading out loud all the tags as if trying to memorise them. She had two full rolls of gaffer tape attached to her belt, and had her yellow gloves hanging out from the back pockets of her jeans. Jinyoung made a mental note to watch out for her. She looked serious.

The boy with long messy hair was watching her with a blank expression on his face, spinning around on his chair, scribbling down on his notepad from time to time. He wasn’t wearing electrical gloves or a utility belt. Probably a sound operator, Jinyoung guessed, or Mark’s assistant in the control room. He looked harmless, but Jinyoung knew better than to overlook the quiet ones. They could reveal themselves to be the deadliest competitors, like snakes hiding in the dry grass, waiting for a mouse to walk by. Jinyoung was no mouse.

‘’Thanks, Jinyoung.’’ Mark said with a nod, taking the schedules and returning to the panel and randomly switching to English. ‘’No Lisa, that’s for the follow spot, the flood lights are here.’’

Jinyoung quickly retreated out of the control room.

Great. Now he had to face the actors.

He took a deep breath.

_You can do this. Just stay calm, you’ll make a good impression._

He slowly started walking down the stairs, taking the time to slow down his breathing. His heart was pounding in his throat.

As he neared the stage, his eyes met with Kim Jisoo, the talent coordinator, who was in charge of supervising the actors and was the link between the stage department and the acting agencies. To say she was the scariest person in the whole Theatre staff would be an understatement.

‘’Are those the schedules ?’’ she asked in a tone that gave Jinyoung chills

‘’Y-yes, yes…’’ he stammered, fumbling with the stack of papers

‘’Great. Give them to me, I’ll hand them out. Do you have the ones for the orchestra as well ?’’

Jinyoung nodded, and handed her the schedules. She huffed.

‘’No, don’t give me the whole stack. Just the ones for the talent.’’

Jinyoung fought with the heat creeping up his neck and his cheeks. So much for a good impression, he looked like an incompetent idiot.

Jinyoung did a quick head count of the actors on the stage, doubled it for the agents, and added the number of lines he remembered seeing on the excel sheet with the names of all the musicians and their assistants. As fast as he could, he counted the exact number of papers and sighed in relief to find he had enough left.

With only four sheets remaining in his hands, he handed the stack to Jisoo with an apologetic smile. She nodded and took them from him, before turning around to join the group on stage.

Jinyoung felt like cold air was filling his lungs.

Technically, he had managed to complete his task, or so his brain supplied to him. He handed the schedules. But the Olympic committee does not grade whether a gymnast manages to get to the end of their routine, they grade the _execution_. You can do the right number of figures, in the right order, but if you fall flat on your face three times, you don’t deserve a round of applause.

Before Jinyoung could go further down that line of thinking, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He quickly took it out, and suppressed a groan when he saw Yugyeom’s name on the text notification.

_do you still have some sheets left ?_

_Yes, why ?_ he replied

_awesome ! come backstage_

Jinyoung sighed.

He put his phone back in his pocket. He climbed up on the beams, not paying attention to the way his heart beat louder from being on stage, and slipped behind the curtains.

Jinyoung hadn’t spent much time backstage, even during his first day tour he had been too caught up in the sight of the stage to really pay attention to the rest.

Behind the stage, however, was the realm of chaos. Even outside of rehearsals, when the actors weren’t there, the hassle was endless. There were several halls, the set builders, the prop makers, the costume designers, and the immediate backstage with the talent’s rooms, the wardrobe and makeup tables. Where the hell was Yugyeom ?

As if he had heard Jinyoung’s thoughts or realised his mistake of calling his colleague without giving him directions, Yugyeom sent a new text that made Jinyoung’s pocket buzz.

_wardrobe_

Jinyoung had barely finished reading the message, that he heard his fellow intern’s unmistakable tone of voice a few feet ahead of him.

He was talking to one of the wardrobe department’s interns, Jinyoung remembered him because his choice of outfits was impossible to overlook. Even now, the guy was wearing pink-tinted sunglasses, despite being in the part of the theatre where the lighting was the dimmest. Jinyoung wasn’t sure how anyone took this guy seriously as an intern, he dressed as if he owned the place.

‘’Ah there you are Jinyoungie-hyung !’’ Yugyeom exclaimed when he noticed him coming closer. ‘’I ran out of schedules, I think there were more people backstage than in the hall.’’

Jinyoung hummed and handed him his four remaining sheets. Yugyeom gave one to the guy with pink glasses.

‘’Here you go Bam. Do you want to hand out the others ?’’

‘’No wait, the others should be right here.’’ the guy —Bam— said, contorting his neck to check if his fellow interns were around. ‘’Jennie ?’’

A girl appeared from under the skirts of what Jinyoung could only describe as one of the most detailed period dresses he had ever seen in his life. She put her needle between her teeth to grab the schedule Yugyeom handed her. She smiled warmly, folded the paper, put it in her pocket and went straight back to work.

‘’There’s two left’’ Yugyeom commented. ‘’Who’s missing ?’’

‘’Jackson.’’ Bam responded. ‘’Where did he go this time ?’’

He took off his glasses and looked behind him. Jinyoung wanted to tell Yugyeom he was going back to their office, but suddenly, a guy he hadn’t seen before burst onto the scene.

The first thing Jinyoung took notice of was that this guy looked strong. And by that, he meant that the guy was carrying a whole crate on a single shoulder.

He could also have guessed from the fact that he was wearing gym clothes that made it quite obvious that he was ripped.

Jinyoung scanned him carefully. Was he an intern ? He didn’t remember seeing him on their first day. Maybe he had been quite forgettable.

‘’Where were you ?’’ Bam sighed, switching to English to address the newcomer

‘’Sorry !’’ the guy said with a blinding smile, putting the crate down. ‘’I stopped to help one of the gaffers, he got tangled in his wires.’’

‘’Here’s your schedule !’’ Yugyeom interrupted him, handing out one of the two remaining sheets

The guy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, and for the first time Jinyoung saw someone read the sheet instead of putting it away immediately

‘’Thank you, that’s so cool !’’ the guy cheered. ‘’Did you make this ? It’s so clear, the one our manager sent us last time was unreadable.’’

Jinyoung frowned.

Excuse him, sir, he did not spend five hours on the software, choosing the right fonts, organising the tables, colour-coding every item in a way that didn’t make you want to tear your eyes off their sockets, for _Kim Yugyeom_ to get the praise.

‘’You couldn’t read the last one cause you can’t read Korean.’’ Bam mocked

The muscular guy —Jackson, Jinyoung guessed— protested, grabbing his fellow intern into a headlock that looked more like an uncomfortable hug.

Jinyoung tapped on Yugyeom’s shoulder.

‘’Let’s get going.’’ he said. ‘’We still have one more sheet to hand out.’’

‘’Did you leave one for our manager ?’’ Yugyeom asked

‘’Yes, of course I did.’’

Jinyoung fought the urge to roll his eyes.

‘’Did you take one ?’’

Jinyoung’s face fell. He rummaged through his recent memories. No, he had only left one sheet on the desk, for their manager.

With a groan, he snatched the last sheet from Yugyeom and put it in his pocket. His colleague chuckled. Jinyoung added a mental note to accidentally poison Yugyeom’s coffee one of these days.

Finally, after many impatient side-eye glances, Yugyeom stopped talking to the wardrobe interns and followed Jinyoung back to Stage Department’s office —after exchanging phone numbers with his apparent new friends, of course.

They spent their last hour of the day, cleaning up the office and waiting for their manager to update their to-do-list for the following day. Yugyeom spent most of that hour on his phone, which would have annoyed Jinyoung if he didn’t see that as a good sign. After a few days, his most direct competitor was already getting distracted. If he kept up like that, it was only a matter of time before it would affect his performance or before their manager caught him. Jinyoung wouldn’t even have to poison his coffee. Hooray for him.

‘’Jinyoungie-hyung ?’’ he called suddenly when Jinyoung finished packing his things and was ready to bolt out of the door. ‘’I’m making a group chat with all the other interns, do you want to be included ?’’

He said it in a voice so small that it made Jinyoung suspicious. What image did Yugyeom make up of him in his head after a few days ?

Now. Did he want to be part of a group chat ? No. Group chats were annoying. His phone would be blowing up with notifications and he surely did not care enough about any of the interns to want to take part in conversations with them. He only needed Yugyeom’s number because they were colleagues and had to work together.

But. If he was into that group chat, it would give him a clearer view of exactly who he was competing against, right ? He could have an inside look, assess who was a threat just from his phone, without having to spy on any of them. James Bond, who ? Jinyoung was the sneakiest player of the game.

‘’Sure !’’ he told Yugyeom. ‘’That’d be cool.’’

From the way his fellow intern’s eyes lit up, Jinyoung guessed that wasn’t the answer he expected, though the one he hoped for.

If Jinyoung took his bus home with a grin that creeped out the guy next to him, he only had to answer to himself.

Buzz.

Jinyoung looked up from the food he was seasoning in the pan to see the notification on his phone. It was from Yugyeom.

_hello hello everyone welcome to the interns’ groupchat !_

_i don’t have the numbers of anyone in accounting so if you do feel free to add them_

Jinyoung smiled. He opened the conversation to check the names of the people added to the group.

There were a few he didn’t recognise, people that Yugyeom probably met while handing the schedules backstage, some set builders maybe. He recognised the names of the wardrobe interns, Bambam, Jennie and Jackson. He also remembered Lisa, the gaffer, and apparently the other guy in the control room was Jaebom.

Great. Now he could put his sneaky plan in action, lurking in the chat to study his competition without having to put anything forward himself. He could be that one guy who sees everything but never responds. Contrary to other people, Jinyoung didn’t see anything wrong with that. Unless there was an emergency. People who didn’t answer when asked to or when needed were unreliable.

However, if there was a higher power, it was determined to not let Jinyoung declare victory so easily. But that’s okay, spy movies have twists and turns too.

Faithful to his swinging saw personality, Yugyeom had been the wild electron to throw off his balance.

For the first few conversations that occurred in the twenty four hours following the creation of the group chat, Jinyoung had managed to pick up some bits and pieces of information on the other interns. He could definitely put them in two categories : the engaged, talkative ones against the less active, who either lurked like him or who only replied with short texts just to check for attendance. It was definitely not enough to identify the potential threats though, the most engaged ones were not necessarily the most competent, and Jinyoung knew to watch out for the quiet ones.

So far, he had his eyes on the sound guy, Jaebom, as well as Yugyeom.

_hey guys since we all just started why not go drink something after work ? get to know each other be friends and all that ?_

Goddamnit, Kim Yugyeom.

He wasn’t there to make friends, could he not understand that ? The employment world was crueler than the Hunger Games for young people, was he that naive ? Social interaction was the last thing Jinyoung had in mind at the moment, it was probably not even worth it for the sake of scouting the competition.

His phone started buzzing wildly as soon as he came back into the Stage Department’s office, having grabbed a water bottle from the vending machine to complete his lunch.

Yugyeom was there, munching on his instant ramen, with the happiest smile on his face as he scrolled down the enthusiastic replies of the other interns.

‘’You’re coming too, right ?’’ he asked as soon as he saw Jinyoung come in

Jinyoung plopped into his chair, his brain going a hundred miles an hour to find the perfect excuse. Yugyeom’s eyes had a spark that made his skin crawl.

‘’Erm…’’ Jinyoung started, uncapping his water bottle to buy some time

‘’Please, please !’’ Yugyeom chirped, bouncing on his chair. ‘’I promise it will be fun, hyung.’’

Why was he so hell-bent on having him there ? Jinyoung furrowed his brows.

Alright. The cons probably outweighed the pros, right ? What could he gain from this outing ? Oh ! Maybe he could gain some insight on the quiet ones, assuming they’d come ? He didn’t have to stay too long anyway.

‘’Yeah, I’ll come.’’ he said and turned back towards his lunch to block out the happy dance Yugyeom did on his seat

So that’s how Jinyoung ended up in a bar in front of the Theatre, at six PM, staring at the overpriced drinking choices while about ten other interns wriggled around to all fit around the same table.

‘’Is everyone here ?’’ someone asked next to him

‘’We’re waiting for Bambam and Jackson-hyung.’’ Yugyeom supplied with a friendly smile —damn he was good at this…

Jinyoung refrained himself from clicking his tongue. Those two interns from wardrobe were at the bottom of his list of preoccupations, and they kept proving him right. They were late, always a bad sign, and this Jackson guy was apparently always missing when someone needed him.

The first round of drinks came before the two missing interns joined them. Jinyoung had already his sights on his target, Im Jaebom, who was sipping his drink while listening to Lisa explain to everyone how one of the flood lights exploded earlier. Jinyoung tuned out the story —taking note of how enthusiastically she was telling it though— and studied the guy.

As Jinyoung suspected, he was probably only quiet in appearance. His eyes were fixed on the girl, focused. He hummed from time to time as she talked, and even burst out laughing when she gestured exaggeratedly to mimic her manager’s reaction to the accident.

Jinyoung couldn’t help the smirk that spread on his face.

If Yugyeom was a swinging saw, then this Jaebom guy was a wolf trap hidden under a litter of dead leaves.

‘’Jinyoungie-hyung dropped coffee on our manager’s computer keyboard today.’’ Yugyeom cackled

Jinyoung’s blood froze.

The other interns all burst laughing, and although their laughs did not sound mocking, Jinyoung felt an uneasiness creep down to the pit of his stomach, bitter and biting. They would get the wrong idea, they would underestimate him, shit, he had to do something. He couldn’t let that be the thing they remembered whenever they heard his name. He couldn’t be known as a clumsy idiot, this was not good, _not good at all._

Before Jinyoung could shut down Yugyeom, the screeching sound of two chairs being pulled drew everyone’s attention to the two newcomers.

‘’I’m so sorry everyone !’’ Bambam, who was sporting a leather jacket, a perfect quiff and some makeup Jinyoung was surprised had not smeared through the work day, sighed. ‘’This guy insisted on buying churros for everyone in our department and wouldn’t leave until he had found everyone.’’

‘’Hey, what about me ?’’ the other wardrobe intern —Jennie— whined. ‘’You should have told me !’’

‘’Ha !’’ Jackson exclaimed, digging into his bag with a grin that would make any live show magician jealous

He pulled out a small paper bag that contained five churros, with a _really_ loud ‘Tadaaaa’. Jennie yelped in delight, while everyone else at the table laughed.

‘’He only bought two for everyone else.’’ Bambam groaned

‘’She’s my favourite, get on her level.’’ Jackson teased, while Jennie stuck her tongue out

Jinyoung felt cold suddenly. The atmosphere shifted in a second, all eyes drawn to the newcomers, especially Jackson who was making a clown of himself to all the interns’ delight. Except Jinyoung, he wanted to go home now. He couldn’t even spy on Jaebom anymore because Jackson was seated right where he blocked Jinyoung’s view of his target. Did he have to gesticulate so much ?

He excused himself to Yugyeom, telling him he didn’t want to miss his last bus home.

‘’But it’s still early ?’’ the younger pouted

‘’I know, but I live quite far, I don’t want to get home at midnight.’’

Yugyeom still looked disappointed but gave him a nod and bid him goodnight.

On his way home, Jinyoung put his forehead on the window and watched the road pass him by. He felt strange, the bitterness in his stomach was still there. Could he have eaten something bad ? Was it because he hadn’t had any alcohol in a while and wasn’t used to it anymore ? He only had one glass though… Hopefully he wouldn’t be sick in the morning.

‘’Did you get home alright, was it too late ?’’ Yugyeom asked when he met Jinyoung in front of the stairs to get to their floor the next day

‘’Yeah, thanks.’’ Jinyoung replied, slowly sipping on his coffee

Thankfully, the strange feeling in his stomach had not been there in the morning, but still Jinyoung would be careful about what he’d put in his mouth today. He could not afford to get sick, not when there was so much at stake.

‘’It’s too bad you had to leave.’’ Yugyeom continued when they reached the Stage Department’s office. ‘’You missed so much. Jackson-hyung is so funny—‘’

Jinyoung switched off from the rest of the younger’s speech. He didn’t need to hear about this guy, he had already assessed him perfectly. The others may have been spellbound by his churros trick but Jinyoung could see right through him. He was one of those people who thought they could buy their way into people’s hearts to get the spot they coveted. Make a nice gesture, people remember you positively, it affects their judgement when they have to choose between you and someone else. The oldest trick in the book. Jinyoung was not impressed.

‘’Maybe we should eat lunch all together ?’’ Yugyeom was still going on. ‘’Maybe we all have our breaks around the same time ? We could eat on the staircase outside, it’s sunny today.’’

‘’Maybe we should get to work.’’ Jinyoung cut him off, typing the password to access their to-do-list for the day

Before Jinyoung could pull up the file, their manager walked in the office, opening the door too strongly which startled Jinyoung when he heard the slam. Shit was he mad about something ?

‘’Are you ready you two ?’’ he asked, eyeing them both with a blank expression

‘’Yes, sir.’’ Jinyoung replied quickly, feeling like he should salute but maybe not because he didn’t want his manager to think he was being a clown

‘’Let’s go then.’’

Jinyoung barely had time to meet Yugyeom’s amused gaze before their manager was out of the door, and both boys followed him as fast as possible.

‘’Rehearsals for the production start next week so you two need to start practicing.’’

Their manager pushed the door of the show hall, and Jinyoung’s breath got caught up in his throat once more. That stage was truly mesmerising.

‘’Coordination is key here’’ their manager instructed while walking down towards the stage, pulling Jinyoung from his thoughts. ‘’You might need to switch from every position, so it’s vital that you know every name you could be asked to fetch and the exact position of each backstage department and location. So far so good ?’’

Jinyoung gulped but nodded. He could feel his throat getting tighter.

They reached the stage beams. Their manager headed straight for the backstage area, followed by Yugyeom, but Jinyoung took a second to look behind his shoulder, losing his breath once more at the view of the hall from the stage.

‘’You’re gonna need these.’’

Their manager handed them two walkie-talkies, that had a piece of paper taped to the back with the name of the frequencies they could tune into.

‘’Do not lose them or break them. Remember to change the batteries.’’

Jinyoung weighed the device with one hand. His heart should be swelling right now, why did his chest feel so constricted ?

‘’Rehearsals start without costumes’’ their manager resumed ‘’But it’s extremely important that you already keep in mind that this entire area is going be occupied by wardrobe and makeup. It should take you less than ten seconds to go from the stage to wardrobe. On a show day, if you mess up your timing you could be ruining the entire production. Does that sound like something you want ?’’

Jinyoung’s fists clenched, one around the walkie-talkie and the other hovering above his chest, that still ached in a way that was starting to worry him.

But apparently their manager wasn’t done yet :

‘’So on top of the things on your to-do-list, everyday you will need to come here to practice. As soon as rehearsals start, your timing should be impeccable. I will start quizzing you about the names of people at some point, don’t let down your guard.’’

_Shit,_ Jinyoung thought. He had to start now. As in _now_. This very instant.

He was already eyeing his surroundings to check if he already could put names on certain faces, when their manager bid them goodbye, reminding them that they had quite the workload to take care of.

_Shit, shit, shit_.

What if there wasn’t enough time in one day to do everything ? Rushed work was bad work, and he couldn’t let his manager think he was sloppy.

‘’The group chat’s gonna help more than we thought.’’ Yugyeom laughed

Where did that giant buffoon get the idea that there was something to laugh about ? This was a very serious situation, and Jinyoung was starting to feel the weight in his chest expand to the rest of his body.

‘’We can ask the others to brief us on the people in their departments.’’ Yugyeom felt the need to explain, probably having caught Jinyoung’s glare

‘’Sure. You do that.’’

Jinyoung was starting to feel out of breath. His brain was going over the things he had to do before the end of the day. Shit, he didn’t even have time to check how many items were on the to-do-list ! Would he have to shorten his lunch break ? Wait, how long did he even have until rehearsals to memorise everyone’s names and get his timing right ?

‘’Hey…’’ Yugyeom whispered, putting a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. ‘’It can’t be that hard.’’

Jinyoung’s glare turned icy.

‘’Of course it’s not hard.’’ he scoffed, shoving Yugyeom’s hand away

He went back to the stage curtains, pulling out the timer on his phone. He walked as fast as he could towards the empty makeup tables at the end of the first backstage hall.

_Forty-three seconds._

Wow. He was done for. Maybe it was time to start running instead of taking the bus to work. Well no, he couldn’t do that, his commute was almost an hour long already.

‘’Hey Yugyeom !’’ a voice broke the thread of his thoughts. ‘’Fancy seeing you here.’’

‘’Hey Bam.’’ the younger cheered ‘’I was about to text you. Could you help me out with something ?’’

‘’Sure, man.’’

Jinyoung’s head snapped towards them.

Yugyeom had pulled out his phone and was typing animatedly, while Bambam seemed to explain something. The wardrobe intern had opted for a yellow plaid beret today, and Jinyoung didn’t know which of his two colleagues he was hating more right now.

Who was kidding, Yugyeom of course.

He had only wanted for the younger to reveal himself to be sloppy and incompetent, but no that social butterfly had managed to get ahead of him.

His head reeling, Jinyoung turned around and stormed off, walking to the other backstage halls, hoping to familiarise himself with the faces and distances.

Not two minutes later, he received a text from Yugyeom sharing him a note titled ‘’Wardrobe Dep.’’ that had an extensive list of names attached to their roles.

Jinyoung grinned.

_Yes_.

You see, Jinyoung has a theory about people. He has many actually, but this one is at the core of his entire thought process. It’s not that no one can be perfect, that was common knowledge by now, no. It’s that as good as someone is at something, there would always be one fatal flaw to undermine them. They would be the architects of their own demise, even though they’d waste sleepless nights wondering what went wrong or who was to blame.

For all his friendliness and efficiency, Yugyeom was fucking stupid. The brand of stupid that would let a door smack them in the face if it meant that they’d let someone get in before them. Or that would give out their umbrella in the middle of a rainstorm even though they had to walk home and were likely to catch pneumonia.

He was making Jinyoung’s job so easy, he didn’t even have to try any tricks, the boy would just shoot himself in the leg in due time.

‘’Watch out !’’

Jinyoung barely had time to look up from his phone, before he saw the field of wires scattered in front of him. He stopped dead in his tracks.

A girl ran towards him, jumping off a ladder. She was the one who had prevented him from tripping and probably landing square on his face. It was Lisa, with her utility belt somehow even more furnished than the last time he’d seen her.

She crouched to the ground and started picking up the wires one by one, rolling them around her elbows at a speed that had Jinyoung’s mouth almost dislocating.

Mmm… Scratch his previous assessment. He definitely had three interns to watch out for.

‘’Thanks…’’ he mumbled, pulling out a smile he hoped didn’t look too soulless

‘’Rule number one of the backstage area, don’t ever look at your phone while you’re walking.’’ Lisa laughed, piling up the wires on a wooden crate

‘’I’ll keep that in mind.’’

Lisa smiled at him, waved and went back to her ladder, where she had apparently been changing a light.

Jinyoung made a mental note to learn more about her, to determine who he was up against.

It’s only when he reached the prop makers hall that he realised his mistake and almost smacked himself in the face in front of everyone in the department.

He could have done the same thing Yugyeom had done, and asked Lisa the names of the people she worked with. By now, Yugyeom had probably found her and done it already, so he couldn’t even go back.

_What an idiot_.

His phone started buzzing wildly in his pocket. Jinyoung stopped walking to check his notifications. It was too early for it to be the group chat, right ?

Well apparently not. Yugyeom and Bambam were already spamming everyone about their lunch time plans. His fellow intern had even had the audacity to speak in both of their names, without even asking if Jinyoung wanted to have lunch with them in the first place.

Jinyoung put his phone back in his pocket, stifling a flurry of curse words, and resumed his exploration.

In the end, he managed to find an excuse to ditch the group’s lunchtime outing, saying he had an important phone call to make. He had to promise Yugyeom to make time for them some time next week, but at least he got away. He was okay with collecting information, but he would like to keep the social interaction to a minimum. Eating with people was stressful.

He ended up waiting for Yugyeom to be long gone to grab a drink from the vending machine and walked to show hall.

It was empty, Jinyoung had the place for himself.

Feeling like he could breathe easier, Jinyoung let out a sigh and sat down on the stairs between two rows of seats and uncapped his bottle.

He started staring at the stage, and the uneasy feeling settled down in the pit of his stomach once again.

‘’What are you doing here ?’’

Jinyoung jumped, literally bolted up to his feet, hiding the water bottle in the pocket of his hoodie.

‘’J-just taking a break…’’ he stammered. ‘’It’s quieter here.’’

Mark nodded, walking out of the control room.

‘’You can’t eat or drink here though, so if you’re thinking of spending your lunch break here, you’re gonna have to starve.’’ the older supplied, his tone even

‘’I’ll be on my way.’’

Jinyoung was ready to storm out of the hall, hiding his face that he could feel was growing redder by the second, but Mark held his hand out to stop him.

‘’Hey. Are you okay ?’’

Jinyoung looked up to meet up the other’s concerned gaze. He nodded quickly.

‘’A lot of work, that’s all.’’ he said

‘’It’s okay. I remember it was overwhelming the first week. Just take it easy and don’t skip lunch breaks to save time, it will come back to bite you in the ass.’’

Jinyoung smiled, but it felt a bit forced. Could Mark read his thoughts or was he just that transparent ? There was a lot in their to-do-list, and Jinyoung was seriously considering only taking a fifteen minutes break.

‘’Hey.’’ Mark added with a wide smile. ‘’Give me your phone number. You might have mine in an Excel sheet somewhere, but I’ll probably need yours too once rehearsals start.’’

He handed Jinyoung his phone, who just stared at it, wide-eyed.

‘’Erm, sure.’’

He quickly typed his number in a new contact sheet, the uneasiness in his abdomen had not subsided yet.

‘’Thanks !’’ the older said when Jinyoung gave him back the phone. ‘’Don’t be scared to text me if you need anything, you know ? I was in your shoes two years ago, I know what it’s like so if you need advice, just come to me, okay ?’’

Jinyoung nodded and bid Mark goodbye.

He wasn’t sure what to make of the exchange yet, but he’d shove it in a corner of his mind for the time being. He needed food now.

‘’You should have come.’’ Yugyeom said when he came back. ‘’Jackson-hyung even payed for ice cream.’’

Jinyoung, of course, did not acknowledge the younger had even been speaking.

The mission was a bit more precise now. He had identified the two potential threats and now he needed to find out what their fatal flaw was. This was only way to know whether Jinyoung should really worry about them, and in that case then what strategy to adopt.

The ‘how’ was what Jinyoung was struggling a bit with at the moment.

His first week had ended without opportunities to interact with either of the two, although Yugyeom and Bambam seemed to have taken upon themselves to maintain the group chat alive during the weekend. Jinyoung had better things to do, so he was mostly swiping off his notifications when his phone starting blowing up, but he was not determined to mute the chat. At the end of the day, he liked to back read to check if he might have missed something interesting.

He only found out exactly how many of them were foreigners, which explained the sudden switches to English between some of them. Apart from Yugyeom, actually, the foreign interns were the most active in the chat. One of them was Lisa.

Jaebom participated from time to time, mostly at the weirdest hours because he apparently had quite the busy personal schedule. Jinyoung did not pry, just took notes.

As he laid on his bed, on Sunday night, scrolling through the day’s messages, he started thinking about how to find out more about the two potential threats to his job position.

‘’Are you having lunch with us today ?’’ Yugyeom asked not one millisecond after his eyes landed on Jinyoung, who had just come into the office

‘’Erm…’’

He had forgotten about that. Damn it.

‘’Who’s coming ?’’ he mused, putting his things down

‘’Everyone except wardrobe I think. Bambam said they had a tight schedule so their lunch break is later than ours this week.’’

Okay. So that meant Lisa and Jaebom might be there.

‘’Alright, I guess I can come.’’

Yugyeom did his usual happy dance, then came to the computer to check the to-do-list for Jinyoung. Their eyes both widened when they realised it was very short.

‘’Set up the orchestra pit ?’’ Yugyeom read out loud. ‘’What, like, just us ?’’

Jinyoung took out the rehearsal schedule. Oh. Of course, he should have remembered, he had been the one to write down everything.

‘’The orchestra starts rehearsals on Wednesday.’’ he reminded Yugyeom

‘’Oooooh. That explains it. It’s okay it shouldn’t be too long.’’

Jinyoung almost choked. Had he seen the size of the orchestra pit ?

As it turned out, their manager really had meant for the two of them to do it all on their own. There were a bit over seventy musicians to set up for, plus the conductor, and the assistants. One of the stage directors gave them the exact instructions of where to put what, but still, it was a lot of chairs to carry.

Being in the pit did however give Jinyoung a good view of the control room, and he saw Jaebom coming in and out of it. So he wasn’t a sound guy, he was Mark’s intern. Would they really hire two junior control room operators ? Maybe if Mark got promoted ?

‘’Park.’’ One of the stage managers called Jinyoung. ‘’Go to wardrobe and ask them for a spare hanging rail.’’

‘’Yes, sir.’’

Jinyoung bolted, mentally trying to count how long it took him to get to wardrobe. He was praying he wouldn’t have to deal with Bambam, he had waken up earlier than his alarm because of a dog barking in the hallway and his eyes were still stinging from the light, he definitely couldn’t take on cheetah prints or neon colour block outfits at the moment.

It took him give or take forty second to reach the empty makeup tables. He spotted the hanging rails, carefully parked behind the tables, bare of any clothes. He broke into a smile.

‘’What are you doing ?’’ he heard behind his shoulder

Jinyoung spun around and was met with the frown of the girl whose name he remembered was Jennie. She was staring at him from head to toe, and Jinyoung had to admit his fight or flight response was being tickled.

‘’Erm well’’ he stuttered. ‘’One of the stage managers said they needed a spare hanging rail from wardrobe in the orchestra pit, so… Can I take one ?’’

Jennie crossed her arms on her chest.

‘’What for ?’’

Jinyoung’s face fell. _What ?_

‘’I… I don’t know, they just asked ?’’ he said, shrugging

‘’You realise I can’t give you a hanging rail if I don’t know what you need it for. What am I supposed to tell my manager ? We have to keep track of inventory.’’

Jinyoung felt the urge to roll his eyes and click his tongue in annoyance, but even he had to admit she had a point. His manager would probably yell at him in front of everyone if he misplaced something without taking note of where and why he moved it.

‘’I’ll ask.’’ he mumbled, ready to run back to the pit but Jennie cut him off

‘’Don’t you have a walkie-talkie ? Why are you running all around the place ?’’

Jinyoung wanted to smack himself in the face with the makeup table. He lowered his head to hide the redness in his face from the wardrobe intern, and pulled out the device from his belt.

The issue was solved in a matter of seconds, but before Jinyoung left the place with the hanging rail, Jennie gave him pointed look.

‘’Next time, don’t go _yes sir_ before knowing what they’re actually asking. They will you eat you up for it.’’

And there it was again. The uneasiness in his gut.

Lunch came faster than Jinyoung had anticipated. He didn’t even get that much time to learn the names a bit better, or to practice his time-space management, he was now sitting on the edge of a fountain with a sandwich and a water bottle, with an intern from accounting who was blowing his ear off about his pet canary named Jaqueline. Jinyoung was ready to drown himself in the fountain.

Next to him, Lisa and Yugyeom were laughing about something on Yugyeom’s phone.

His salvation came in the form of Im Jaebom, who came out of the Theatre, waving goodbye to Mark who was heading for the convenience store, and approaching them.

‘’Hey, is that everyone ?’’ Jaebom asked when he joined the group, pulling out his own lunch

‘’Yeah, wardrobe were busy today.’’ Yugyeom said with a pout

Before the guy from accounting could pull more people into his rant about canaries, Jinyoung decided to speak up for once.

‘’Is it fun in the control room ?’’ he inquired, trying to keep his tone light to not make it seem like an interrogation

‘’A bit boring.’’ Jaebom replied as he started munching on his food. ‘’At the moment I’m still learning how to use everything.’’

‘’Is it you who keeps switching on the follow spots ?’’ Lisa groaned. ‘’Give me a warning, I keep getting blinded, that stuff is bad for your eyes, you know ?’’

Yugyeom and Jaebom burst out laughing.

‘’I’m so sorry !’’ Jaebom said although his smile was rising up to his ears. ‘’I’ll send you a text every time I switch on something.’’

Lisa bowed exaggeratedly.

‘’Much appreciated.’’

Jinyoung couldn’t help the corners of his lips from lifting ever so slightly. Yugyeom apparently did not miss because he clapped at him when they got back to the office. Did Jinyoung mention that boy was annoying ?

The lunch did not teach Jinyoung anything except that even though canaries had not done anything personal to him, they were now at the bottom of the list of his favourite birds. Also, he knew Lisa was friendly, if their scarce interactions and her activity in the group chat were any indication of that, but now he could also suspect that Jaebom was only quiet at first because he didn’t know anyone that well. Maybe he was one of those people who had to get comfortable in their new environments before showing their true colours. There was a chance Jinyoung could have overestimated him.

He did not have an opportunity to explore that possibility because the topic of conversation at lunch the next day was music tastes.

On Wednesday, the orchestra musicians came at ten o’clock.

‘’Why do they start rehearsing now when the actors haven’t officially started yet ?’’ Yugyeom asked while they watched the musicians set up their instruments from the top of the stairs

Jinyoung had been wondering the same thing but would never have spoken the question out loud, especially to their manager. He was probably supposed to have understood it by himself and didn’t want his boss to think he was dumb.

‘’They’re doing a run-through of the first half of the score.’’ Mark explained from where he was watching the setting up too, leaning against the door of the control room. ‘’They need to do regular rehearsals here because their auditorium has different acoustics, _and_ we have speakers, so the conductor can calibrate the sound better here.’’

Jinyoung nodded. That made sense.

He let himself observe the musicians more carefully. Most of them were all dressed in black, even though it was not a day of concert yet. They seemed to be very disciplined, moving as one and communicating with gestures. Some of them looked quite young, Jinyoung assumed they were the assistants.

He saw a girl be gestured at by two violinists. She nodded quickly and looked around until her eyes found Jinyoung and Yugyeom. She smiled, and Jinyoung felt his spine tense up.

‘’Hey, you guys are the stage assistants, right ?’’ she asked, walking up the stairs quickly

Yugyeom nodded before Jinyoung could correct her and say _interns_.

‘’That would be us. I’m Yugyeom. What can we help you with, miss ?’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. The girl giggled.

‘’We’re missing four stands, you know, for music sheets ? Do know where I could find some ?’’ she asked

Yugyeom gestured at the stage.

‘’Follow me, I’ll show you.’’

Jinyoung watched them both leave and slip backstage. His fists clenched, a bitter taste slipping down his tongue. Behind him, Mark burst out laughing. Jinyoung send him a puzzled look.

‘’He’s good.’’ Mark said, shrugging. ‘’Don’t make that face. It’s always like that in the stage department, if you’re good with people, you get more stuff to do.’’

Jinyoung frowned. He could be friendly too if he wanted, Yugyeom wasn’t special. Jinyoung was trying to appear serious and professional, not get all flirty with the pretty assistants.

‘’Hey.’’ someone called behind him. ‘’Do you know if Roseanne went to get the music stands ?’’

Jinyoung turned around to look at the young man with glasses who had addressed him. He looked serious, dressed in black, probably another assistant. The folder he was holding under his arm had a drawing of piano keys, Jinyoung guessed he might be a page-turner. He also did not ask who the hell Roseanne was, assumed it was the girl from before and pointed at the stage.

‘’She went backstage to get them.’’

‘’Thanks.’’

Mark sent him a pointed look when the boy left.

‘’See.’’

‘’What ?’’ Jinyoung groaned. ‘’I can’t walk him backstage, then there wouldn’t be anyone in the hall, what happens if someone needs me here ?’’

‘’You have a walkie-talkie. Also, you could have given him precise instructions. What if he gets lost backstage ? He’s gonna need to ask someone from wardrobe, who ends up doing your job because you didn’t.’’

Jinyoung crossed his arms on his chest. The bitter taste on his tongue started going down his throat, dangerously crawling towards the pit of his stomach.

‘’Park.’’ his manager suddenly called from the stage

Jinyoung tensed up, and ran down the stairs to meet him. Shit. What if the page-turner had said something ?

‘’Yes, sir ?’’

‘’If I ask you to get me Choi Jiyoung, where would you go find her ?’’

Jinyoung froze.

What.

_Oh_.

He did mention he would quizz them out of the blue.

Shit.

Choi who ?

His mind ran a million miles an hour, conjuring up the mental images of all the Excel sheets and the notes Yugyeom had shared with him on his phone, trying to remember where he had seen that name before.

‘’Accounting.’’ he blurted out so quickly he almost tripped over his own tongue

‘’Too slow. You need to learn faster.’’

‘’Yes, sir.’’

Jinyoung’s breath hitched. His manager didn’t send him an angry look, didn’t even show any signs of any emotional reaction, just moved on with his work as if nothing happened, but Jinyoung stood there, frozen.

The bitter sensation now felt sour, and was clawing at his lungs.

Without thinking, Jinyoung bolted. He didn’t really know what he was doing, where he was going. The curtain leading backstage almost smacked him across the face, and he found himself wishing it had, to shake him up from the daze he was falling into.

He only stopped running when he almost tripped on a wire taped to the floor and had to hold on to the still empty makeup table.

He put his head between his arms. He had to get a grip on himself, what if one of the managers saw him, what would they think of him ? It was not a big deal, he should stop being a crybaby and spend more hours learning the names he was supposed to have memorised already. Instead of resting on the bus, he could revise. _Responsibility, remember_ , he urged himself.

‘’Are you alright ?’’ a very worried voice drew him out of his thought spiral

He felt hands grip his shoulder, way too _warm_ to his liking. Jinyoung started and straightened up, feeling his head spinning.

‘’Yeah I’m fine.’’

‘’Wait, I’ll get you some water.’’

The next thing he knew, he saw a flash disappear under the makeup table, drag out a pack of water bottles, one of which was now just a few inches away from his face, uncapped. Jinyoung blinked a few times.

He grabbed the bottle and took a sip. The cold liquid rushed down his throat and dissipated the bitter taste. Jinyoung felt as if the cloudiness in his head was also coming back down, and his breathing evening out.

He did not need to look up at the face of the guy who had found him to recognise him, there was only one guy who went around in a gym tank top.

‘’Were you about to faint ?’’ Jackson asked, his eyes still full of worry. ‘’Maybe we should call an ambulance ? At least you should take a second to rest. I think I know an office that’s empty this morning.’’

Jinyoung waved his hands around frenetically to stop the other intern from speaking. He gulped down the water that was puffing his cheeks before replying.

‘’My face almost had a close encounter with the ground, that’s it, I’m okay.’’

Jackson laughed, the concern washing away from his face.

‘’So you had me scared for nothing ?’’

Jinyoung felt his lips stretch into a sardonic smile, as he downed the rest of the water until the bottle was empty enough to crush.

‘’You keep these under the table ?’’ Jinyoung scoffed, pointing at the stack of bottles at Jackson’s feet

The other shrugged, still smiling.

‘’It’s handy.’’

‘’Are you allowed to ?’’

‘’Yeah our manager told us to put them there so no one would trip on them. And since you almost fell, it proves the danger is real.’’

Jinyoung pulled up the collar of his hoodie to hide half of his face that was already turning red.

Could we move on from the fact that he almost landed flat on his face, please ?

Wait. Why was he even stalling to talk to this guy, he had work to do !

Wait.

Why did he come here in the first place ? No reason, he was been an overdramatic baby. Should he go back ? Should he try to find Yugyeom ? Was he still backstage ? What an idiot, he had a walkie-talkie _and_ the guy’s phone number, he could just ask him…

‘’I can see the wheels turning in your brain.’’ Jackson laughed again, handing him another water bottle and taking back the crushed one. ‘’Try to breathe and look at your feet when you walk. Don’t run again, we established this place is very, _very_ dangerous.’’

A laugh almost bubbled up Jinyoung’s mouth, but he bit it back down. He thanked him with a nod for the water, and turned around to get back to the hall.

Thankfully, it seemed that Jackson did not share his embarrassing incident with the group, because Yugyeom did not laugh at Jinyoung for it that day.

However, Yugyeom did create a second group chat with the musician’s assistants, and added Jinyoung.

‘’So we can help them better with their requests.’’ he told Jinyoung when he sent him a quizzical look after seeing the notification on his phone

‘’Or for you to flirt with violin girl.’’ Jinyoung shot back

‘’Hey. I wasn’t flirting. Shut up.’’

That’s how Jinyoung found out the page-turner’s name was Choi Youngjae.

‘’Did you get quizzed about the names today ?’’ Jinyoung asked when they were walking out of the Theatre after work

‘’Yeah.’’ Yugyeom said. ‘’He asked me to name the seniors in the props department.’’

‘’Did you do well ?’’

‘’Yeah, I think so. Manager hyung did not tell me anything. What about you ?’’

Jinyoung bit his tongue.

‘’I did alright.’’

During the bus ride home, Jinyoung kept his eyes glued to his phone, going through every name in every note and every screenshot of Excel sheets.

For the rest of the day, he crammed every single last name, first name, nickname, job position, seared them into his brain. Every second he spent awake without someone talking to him, he would retreat into his mind that had become an endless stream of names repeated over and over again. He was tempted to ask Yugyeom to quizz each other but backed out. Wasn’t that a thing for middle schoolers who couldn’t learn well enough on their own ?

Their manager would ask them several times a day, at inopportune moments, when both of them had their minds occupied by other tasks. He even once called Jinyoung over the walkie-talkie. But Jinyoung’s cramming seemed to start working, as he now only tripped over the people who had identical names and surnames. The weight on his shoulders he had felt for the past few days began feeling a bit lighter.

The week ended in a rush. Rehearsals were set to start on Monday and everything had to be ready. Jinyoung barely had time to practice his timing management, he knew he was still too slow, so was Yugyeom but they were improving. Both of them also had to pass up on lunch with the other interns to finish all their tasks, and Jinyoung could read on Yugyeom’s face that it was upsetting more than he thought possible.

‘’I was thinking of inviting the other interns for a get together at my house this weekend, are you in ?’’ the younger asked before Jinyoung could dart to his bus stop

‘’Erm no. I’ll probably be busy until Monday.’’ Jinyoung replied quickly, almost as an instinct

Yugyeom pouted and waved goodbye.

Jinyoung couldn’t help it, as he walked to catch his bus, he kept replaying the question in his mind. Should he have said yes actually ? He actually did not know if he had plans for the weekend except recharge his energy from the exhausting day he just had. Parties were not his thing. He didn’t trust the label ‘get-together’, it always rang as a synonym for disaster.

Jinyoung was given two chances to change his answer, when Yugyeom asked both the interns chat and the one they had with the musicians’ assistants if they wanted to come. He spied on the answers that started flowing in one by one. Roseanne, the girl Jinyoung was still one hundred percent sure Yugyeom was flirting with, was in right away. Jinyoung refrained himself from sending a text to his colleague to tease him. That would be unprofessional.

Unsurprisingly, the ones who agreed to the party were the usual suspects, the active ones. The ghosts ghosted as was their habit.

_You’re a ghost too_ , his mind supplied, but Jinyoung chose to ignore it.

Should he go ?

The more he thought about it, the more he sounded like a terrible idea. Yugyeom sent his address and it was far from Jinyoung’s area, he would have to leave early again. It was no use anyway.

_I won’t be able to make it, sorry. Have fun !_ he typed before he could stop himself.

_he’s alive ?????_ was Yugyeom’s immediate reply

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and exited the app before he could do something stupid like type a ‘ _fuck you_ ’. That would be unprofessional.

The thought suddenly occurred to him.

He could check the other interns’ social media accounts ? Maybe that would give him some information on them ? As long as he didn’t accidentally like a picture from five years ago, it couldn’t really do any harm. Was it technically considered stalking ? No, because he would only do it once, not monitor everything they post from now on.

That’s how Jinyoung ended spending his Saturday, in between reading, some working out and grocery shopping : scrolling through the social media accounts of some of the colleagues he wanted to know more about. He did follow Yugyeom’s Instagram, just because once he opened the app, he found out the younger had followed him a week ago already.

Mission report ?

Well, Lisa was a photographer apparently. Jaebom’s account was private. Out of curiosity, he also checked Bambam’s to see if he posted his ‘ootd’s’ and was not disappointed. He was surprised however to find two recent selfies with the other two wardrobe department interns, and stories full of their shenanigans all together. They seemed to have happened during their breaks but still. It only confirmed to Jinyoung that he probably had nothing to fear from those three.

Following Yugyeom turned out to be a bad idea, because Jinyoung did not want the updates from the get-together, he absolutely did not. That’s why he checked every single one of them. It was strategic. Hey, might as well make use of them since they were shared, right ?

To his colleague’s credit, it did look like a reasonable get-together for once, probably because Yugyeom’s apartment did not seem big enough to host an actual party from what Jinyoung could see.

Everyone looked like they were having fun, being goofy but overall harmless. Jinyoung sniggered out loud when he saw Yugyeom had posted a picture of just him and the violin girl.

_Not flirting my ass_ , is what he did not send to his colleague.

(That would be unprofessional).

On Monday morning, Jinyoung kept playing the names over and over again in his mind, like the songs children use to learn the alphabet. His lips were moving at the same time, and he could tell the guy next to him on the bus was staring at him like he was dealing with someone having a mental breakdown. Or maybe because he sounded like he was reciting a demonic incantation. Either way. This guy would come off the bus and Jinyoung might never see him ever again. His opinion had no impact on his life.

His manager’s opinion would though.

He kept getting sidetracked in his memorising, by an insidious thought : he still had to improve his timing and rehearsals were starting today. How could he practice ? Staying after hours maybe, once everyone except the cleaning team had left ? Maybe he could ask Mark…

He had to find a solution.

‘’Did you have a nice weekend ?’’ Yugyeom greeted when they met in the show hall

Jinyoung had been a little early. He had figured, on the day rehearsals start, you had to be. There was probably last minute setting up to do, maybe they would even need someone to get the coffee machine going backstage before the actors got there.

Jinyoung eyed his colleague suspiciously, trying to detect if there was any sarcasm in his question.

‘’Did you ?’’ he replied noncommittally

Yugyeom’s face broke into a huge grin. Their manager called for them to start the coffee machine from the other side of the hall.

‘’Jackson-hyung is so amazing’’ Yugyeom kept rambling as they went backstage and Jinyoung tried to figure out how to plug in the machine while his colleague pulled out the filters. ‘’He was so funny, really, you wouldn’t believe it, everyone was on the floor.’’

Jinyoung didn’t even bother humming to pretend he was paying attention. He plugged the machine and opened it to put the filter in. Shit, they needed water ? Oh wait.

He ran to the makeup table, and ducked to check under it. _Yes_.

He dragged out an unopened pack of bottles, slashed the wrapping with his fingers and took out a bottle.

Meanwhile, Yugyeom had not stopped ranting.

‘’I’m pretty sure he’s perfect’’ he went on while Jinyoung poured the water. ‘’I wanna be like him. Honestly, I want to be _exactly_ like him.’’

Jinyoung snorted at that, which earned him a confused look from Yugyeom.

‘’I hate to break it to you…’’ he sighed. ‘’But I doubt he’s perfect.’’

‘’Pretty close to it then.’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. He didn’t even know why he bothered saying anything. Yugyeom’s naiveté was working in his favour, helping him out of it would be striking an own goal. A mistake Jinyoung would never be caught making.

‘’Oh coffee !’’ someone exclaimed behind him when he pushed the button. ‘’Is there some for me ?’’

‘’No.’’ Jinyoung said at the same time Yugyeom chirped ‘’Of course ! We have to test if it works.’’

Lisa, who had been the one to interrupt, laughed.

‘’So I’m your guinea pig ?’’ she teased, poking Yugyeom, who jumped so quickly he almost knocked over the whole coffee machine

‘’Wouldn’t wanna poison the actors, that would look bad.’’ Yugyeom played along

Jinyoung couldn’t help the stare he sent the younger’s way. Why was he even joking about that sort of stuff ? What if their manager heard ?

‘’Who pooped in your organic green tea, Mister Park Jinyoung ?’’ Lisa chuckled, catching his —pretty visible— offended glare

‘’ _I don’t drink organic green tea_ ’’ was what Jinyoung was about to reply when he was cut off by the arrival of Jennie, who threw her arms around both interns who were way taller than her.

‘’You had him confused with Jackson I think…’’ she laughed at Lisa. ‘’Oh coffee ! Can I have some or is Jinyoung keeping it all for himself ?’’

Jinyoung felt the heat wash over his face. He lowered his head to hide it from the other interns, but he also knew that if he met their gazes the image would be seared in his brain for the months to come.

They probably had the wrong idea of him. They underestimated him, or they thought he was ridiculous. He had often heard it in school, ‘’ _you’re a try-hard_ ’’, ‘’ _loosen up, get that stick out of your ass_ ’’, ‘’ _why do you even care ?_ ’’. Back then, the mantra that had kept him grounded was one of ‘’ _they don’t know what’s coming for them, they’ll be wishing they cared as much as you did before it was too late_ ’’. Jinyoung tried to summon it but the words got caught in a sour bile that was starting to claw at his lungs.

The rest of the day, that sourness did not subside.

The rehearsals started, Jinyoung felt his heart stop watching the actors from so close. Some he had studied in class not a few months earlier.

Jinyoung’s manager was relentless. There was not one second Jinyoung could stop running around to take in that he was in such sacred presence, that he was hearing such revered artists speak on the stage, that he was watching their craft in motion before it was all perfected by costumes, scores and beautiful sets. No, Jinyoung had to run around, pick up his walkie-talkie even while he was carrying three chairs in his arms, and most of all he had to watch out for the wires taped to the floor —as Lisa reminded him when she saw him running with said chairs.

‘’You’re an accident waiting to happen.’’ she told him, and those words reeled through Jinyoung’s brain until he went to bed that night

Worst of all, Jinyoung felt the eyes of Kim Jisoo on him every time he stepped in the near vicinity of the stage. It’s not that she was glaring at him… It’s more that Jinyoung could definitely not read the expression she was wearing on her face. What could she even be thinking about him ?

‘’Breathe.’’ he heard at some point before lunch time

Jinyoung was starving. It was getting to the point where he couldn’t even concentrate on what his manager was saying, because his empty stomach was screaming for attention.

Jinyoung looked up to meet Mark’s gaze, who seemed quite amused by his state of distress.

‘’It’s only the first day.’’ the older reminded him. ‘’You need to pace yourself or you’re gonna burn out before the week is over.’’

‘’I feel like I’m not doing good enough yet though…’’ Jinyoung groaned, rubbing his face

‘’It’s always like that in a new environment. Instead of trying to go faster, try to walk steadier first. Find your footing.’’

Jinyoung nodded. His stomach was growling so loudly that his brain barely registered what words were spoken to him, but it sounded vaguely wise.

‘’Oh !’’ Jinyoung remembered suddenly. ‘’Do you think I could stay backstage a bit after everyone has left ? I need to practice my timing.’’

Mark frowned, and looked at Jinyoung with an air of suspicion.

‘’Why after everyone has left ? You could just do it while people pack up.’’

Jinyoung did not want to tell him he didn’t want people looking at him, so he settled for the next best thing.

‘’When do you leave ?’’

‘’A little bit before eight usually.’’

Jinyoung took a mental note. Before he could ask a follow up question, Yugyeom appeared next to him, all cheers and rainbows as usual.

‘’Are you having lunch with us ?’’ he said in what could only be describe as a _baby voice_ , which made Jinyoung recoil

‘’Yes.’’

As long as there was food, Jinyoung was ready for anything at the moment.

The rest of the day did not give him a break. Lunch was too quick, they barely had time to sit down on the edge of the fountains before they all started receiving texts from their managers telling them to come back early to complete some urgent tasks before the actors came back from their break.

Jinyoung didn’t eat so much as he swallowed his food in two bites, downed his water bottle, and was back at the coffee machine before he could even realise he had seen the sunlight.

He spent the rest of the afternoon going back and forth between the stage, the coffee machine and the control room, while Yugyeom was basically running laps around the backstage area to carry out the messages from their manager to the other department seniors. Jinyoung was pretty sure they could be joined directly by walkie talkie or by phone, and that their manager was just finding excuses to train them.

At least, it gave Jinyoung the opportunity to talk one on one with Jaebum for the first time.

‘’Hey…’’ he sighed, barging into the control room. ‘’Did you see Mark ? I can’t find him and he won’t answer the phone.’’

Jaebum looked up from the controls he was fiddling with —or rather, working on, Jinyoung probably was making it sound sloppier in his own mind than it was.

‘’He left his phone here.’’ he said, pointing at the black cellphone case that perfectly disappeared against the colour of the control board. ‘’He went to buy an HDMI cable, he’ll be back in twenty minutes.’’

Jinyoung felt his shoulders drop. Shit. He didn’t have twenty minutes. His manager was expecting an answer immediately, he couldn’t just say ‘’well, Mark hyung wasn’t there, sorry.’’ ? Right ? His manager would yell at him in front of all the actors.

‘’Do you want me to call you when he gets back ?’’ Jaebom suggested

Whether he had caught something in Jinyoung’s facial expression or not, he couldn’t tell. Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

‘’Do you have my number ?’’

‘’Probably, aren’t you in the group chat ?’’

Jinyoung cursed himself. Of course, this was the twenty first century.

‘’Tell Mark to call me when he gets back.’’ he said, and was out of the control room the next second

Yes. Maybe one on one conversation was a bit of an hyperbole. They _interacted_.

The rest of the week did not proceed much better. Jinyoung was constantly running, his head was dizzy. He was already running on four large cups of coffee before the actors came, around nine in the morning, his brain was a whirlwind of names he could barely associate with faces anymore, with Yugyeom’s high pitched laugh on a loop as background music. It was a miracle he had not tripped over his feet and landed flat on his face in front of Kim Jisoo.

At the moment, it was Thursday afternoon, Jinyoung was somewhere in the set building area, with headache that was splitting his brain in four. He was coming back from asking something about the measurements of a certain set-piece the director had requested to be able to ‘’visualise’’ the opening scene they were rehearsing. His legs felt like jelly, there was sweat dripping down his neck and he was seriously starting regretting wearing a hoodie. He felt damp and disgusting. Maybe he should take notes from the other interns, who either wore T-shirts or tank tops, with the notable exception of Bambam. But the thought of wearing anything that clung to his skin and showed his arms was making him shiver. He felt his stomach twist just picturing the looks he would get.

‘’Yo Park Jinyoung !’’

Jinyoung almost screamed, turning around to see Lisa right behind him with the biggest grin on her face. Oh that was bad news. His chest felt about to explode.

‘’I’m pretty sure I’m older than you…’’ he mumbled, waiting for his heart rate to decrease

The gaffer intern laughed. She had a tendency to sneak up behind him, and she was somehow always there when he tripped or made a minor mistake. She would burst out laughing every single time. If she addressed him, it couldn’t be to chat about butterflies and kittens.

‘’My manager told me there’s been a short circuit in one of the sockets in dressing room number four.’’ she started explaining, gesturing with her electrical gloves to get her point across. ‘’It’s really dangerous, there could be a fire or an accident. Could you go warn the person in charge ? Kim… Kim Ji-something ?’’

‘’Kim Jisoo.’’ Jinyoung supplied, feeling his blood turn to ice

Shit. Lisa was right. He was in charge of forwarding this type of information. But he could feel the bile filling his stomach just picturing Kim Jisoo’s eyes falling on him.

‘’I-I’ll see what I can do.’’ he stammered, ready to bolt back to the stage area

‘’Hey !’’ Lisa yelled after him ‘’Don’t run ! If you unplug a wire my manager will kill us both !’’

In his obstacle course that would probably give nightmares to any secret agent, Jinyoung had to add Lalisa Manoban, the laser maze. A trap you could only overcome with the utmost patience and agility. You might think you’re safe, that the distance between your limbs and the laser rays is comfortable, yes, you’ll get to the end easily, piece of cake… and unfailingly, you’ll have forgotten a necklace hanging too low from your neck, or overestimated the bending ability of your knees. He had to be very careful around her.

And now he had to speak to Kim Jisoo.

God, this week would really not let him breathe a second…

Jinyoung made his way back to the stage area, mentally trying to time his speed but losing count quickly when he felt his heart jump in his throat at the sight of the spotlights aimed right at his face.

‘’Either to die the death, or to abjure forever the society of men.’’ the main lead was reciting with a booming voice, center stage, reading the play close to his face, with his glasses almost sliding off his nose

Jinyoung felt the gaze of the stage managers on him, following him as he slipped out of the curtains, trying to stay as close as possible to the wall while he walked down from the stage, so as not to disturb the actors and director rehearsing.

Kim Jisoo stood next to Jinyoung’s manager, aggressively swiping the screen of her phone. Her face was contorted in a frustrated frown, and Jinyoung didn’t have to do much guessing to tell she was in a killer mood. He couldn’t blame her, her job seemed very stressful, but he was already feeling his shoulders tensing up, bracing for impact.

She looked up, probably sensing Jinyoung approaching carefully like a rookie hunter worried about scaring off the prey.

‘’Yes, what ?’’ she said, in a tone that Jinyoung could not exactly describe as snappy but that also did not suggest she would have much patience if he kept stalling like that

‘’Oh erm…’’ he gulped, wiping his hands on his jeans in an attempt to not feel how sweaty they were turning. ‘’There’s been a short circuit ? In room four. It’s dangerous, the gaffers are working on it but… I suppose it shouldn’t be used for the time being.’’

She raised her eyebrow, slowly —frankly it was quite impressive.

‘’Shouldn’t be used… The room or the socket ?’’

Jinyoung felt his blood turn to ice in the veins of his neck. He wiped his hands with more strength.

‘’The…’’

‘’The room.’’ his manager suddenly interrupted, looking straight into Kim Jisoo’s eyes with a determination Jinyoung suddenly envied. ‘’Jinyoung, Yugyeom, get the keys to changing room twelve and set it up for Mister Seo, move his things from room four.’’

As if on cue, Yugyeom popped out from behind a row of red seats, all smiles and giggles as Jinyoung had come to expect.

‘’Let’s go !’’ he chirped, already ahead of Jinyoung even though he had been ten feet behind

Jinyoung practically ran across the stage to catch up with him.

‘’I’ll start moving the things, go get the keys.’’ Yugyeom told Jinyoung when the two were finally walking at the same speed

Jinyoung felt a tingle crawl down his spine. A cold, icy one. Not from excitement or euphoria, no, the kind that spreads through your bones all the way to your knuckles, making them clench into tight, _tight_ fists.

It’s with the same tight fist that Jinyoung grabbed the keys, back in the secure drawer of their manager’s personal office.

Yugyeom and him had two different methods. The youngest moved things rapidly, like a flash going back and forth between the two changing rooms. He carried three or four items at a time, sometimes five if he could fit two into only one hand. Then, he dropped them anywhere in the room, on the table or on the floor depending on if it looked fragile or not.

Jinyoung, on the other hand, was meticulous. He was maybe not as fast and carried fewer items at the same time, but he had an excellent grasp on the space he had at his disposal and how to distribute items to maximise efficiency. Basically, he spent most of his time organising the things Yugyeom dropped carelessly in the room, until it looked exactly like Mister Seo had come into room twelve instead of four this morning.

‘’Let’s put a warning sign on the door.’’ he suggested when his younger colleague came back in the room to confirm they had moved everything

He knew the gaffers kept pens and paper by the coffee table in case they needed to write down on tape, or make amperage charts. Borrowing one to signal to people to not come into the room because of electrical danger wouldn’t make them mad, right ? It had to do with their job, it was okay even if he didn’t ask a manager ?

When he came back to the changing room area, re-reading his handwritten sign to quadruple-check for spelling errors or characters not drawn clearly enough, he was surprised to almost bump into their manager’s back.

‘’Damn Kim !’’ the older man exclaimed, looking at Yugyeom running back from changing room twelve. ‘’You’re fast, kid.’’

Yugyeom laughed, not high pitched this time, softer, like a kid. Jinyoung clearly saw him lower his head to hide his pleased smile. Who did he think he was kidding ?

‘’Thanks sir.’’ the youngest chuckled. ‘’I’ve got long legs, I think it helps.’’

Their manager howled with laughter and turned around to give Jinyoung, who was sticking his sign to the door, a hard smack on the shoulder.

‘’Hear that Park.’’ he joked. ‘’I think Kim’s telling you to drink some more soup.’’

Jinyoung almost choked.

Yugyeom gave him a mortified look, but before the boy could puke out a string of apologies and ‘’t _hat’s not what I was trying to say !_ ’’s, Jinyoung gave his colleagues a polite laugh and went back to the coffee table, gesturing that he had to put the pen back where he found it.

His lungs felt so cold. His eyes, paradoxically, were burning so much Jinyoung had a hard time keeping them open. But he knew what would happen if he closed them, and he would never allow it, not in front of all these people.

His phone buzzed as soon as he put the pen down.

_im so sorry i hope you know he was joking and i didnt say that please hyung_

Jinyoung scoffed. It was a joke, he knew that, why was Yugyeom acting like Jinyoung’s entire family had been insulted ? It was perfectly fine.

_I know, don’t worry, I didn’t take it personally. Go give the new key to Kim Jisoo, I’ll clean up._

As soon as he heard the whoosh indicating the message had been sent, Jinyoung let his shoulders fall against the wall. Only one and a half hour before he could call it a day. Only one more day before the weekend. He just needed sleep, he would be fine.

He breathed in deeply, fighting the stinging sensation in his eyes when he closed them.

He would be fine.

He let his head tilt backwards, resting against the concrete.

He would be fine.

His knees buckled slightly, but Jinyoung did not allow himself to slide down the wall to sit.

He would be fine.

‘’Hey, are you alright ?’’

Jinyoung drew in another breath, shakier, before his eyes fluttered open.

‘’Are you about to pass out from sleep or from fainting ?’’

Jinyoung shook his head to adjust his vision, and also to dismiss the other person’s worries.

‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’You said that last week too, but since it happened again, am I allowed to doubt it ?’’

Jinyoung snorted. Jackson was looking at him with wide eyes, his arms braced as if getting ready to catch Jinyoung in case he suddenly collapsed. It was a bit comical.

‘’I’m fine, Jackson, I swear. Just an exhausting day.’’

‘’Passing out from exhaustion is a good motive to go to the E.R., you know ?’’

Jinyoung had to bite his lip, to refrain himself from laughing or cursing at how ridiculous his fellow intern was being, he wasn’t sure. What was it today with people being irrationally concerned with him ?

‘’I said. I’m fine.’’ he repeated, putting his hair back in place and taking a few steps forward to signal he was going back to his task at hand

‘’Are you sure ? I’ve got my car, I can get you to the doctor or drive you home if you need to.’’

‘’Thank you, but I’m okay.’’

Jinyoung had to fight the urge to reply something _much_ harsher, that his heart was crying out for him to say.

_Don’t make enemies_ , his mind warned him, _no friends but also no enemies_.

‘’Okay… Let me know if you change your mind, I’m leaving at eight.’’ Jinyoung heard the other boy say behind him as he left

Jinyoung rolled his eyes, and just waved without looking back at Jackson.

The wardrobe’s intern’s nice guy act was getting annoying. As long as it was buying his colleagues churros to make a good impression, or make the other interns laugh so they would all adore him, it was his problem. But if he tried to fool Jinyoung too, then he was heading straight into a wall. He would not fall for the oldest trick in the book.

That evening, Jinyoung took the bus home with only one thought in mind : he had to find a way to practice his speed while no one was around.

This was his plan : Mark had mentioned he left a bit before eight, right ? That was the usual time the technical teams finished packing up, while the administrative teams and talent usually didn’t stay past six or six-thirty. Jinyoung would leave with everyone as usual, but instead of taking his bus home, he would hide into a café and wait for everyone in his team to have left the place. Now, it would have been better without anyone around, but if he got caught by the cleaning staff, he was probably going to get an earful from his manager. So he would wait. He would take one day, as a crash test, to monitor exactly how many people were left in the last hour, and then decide what time slot he would use to practice.

The time slot when most people were gone, obviously, to avoid his own personal embarrassment but also so there would be less witnesses to report to his manager —or worse, to Yugyeom. A beginner would think, _if my manager sees me practicing, they’ll think I’m hardworking and that I take my job seriously_. Rookie mistake.

_If you still need to practice it means you’re not good enough yet, that’s what they’ll think_ , Jinyoung thought, feeling his mood dim and probably poison the food he was preparing for himself.

He needed to be better.

‘’Hey !’’ Yugyeom called not one second after Jinyoung met him at the coffee machine. ‘’I’m inviting people to see a movie this weekend, are you free ?’’

Jinyoung carefully avoided the younger’s puppy eyes to grab a water bottle, a filter, and the pack of coffee that the actors had responded to the best this week. He had heard his phone buzzing, and saw he had notifications from Yugyeom’s group chats, but he hadn’t bothered checking what they were about. His colleague had probably noticed he hadn’t seen the messages.

‘’I don’t know, who’s coming ?’’ he said, noncommittally

‘’Youngjae and Rosé said yes, I’m trying to convince Bam, Jennie and Jackson to come too, they had plans together.’’

Jinyoung hummed. One the one hand, Yugyeom would probably suspect something if he kept saying no to everything, but on the other, he had much better things to do on weekends than spend time with the same faces he already saw all week.

‘’I don’t think I’m free…’’ he said through gritted teeth, starting the first coffee of the day

Yugyeom pouted like a kicked puppy.

‘’Is it because of Jackson-hyung ?’’

Jinyoung was so surprised he almost burned himself with the hot coffee. He finally turned to look at Yugyeom, with eyes so wide he thought they might pop out of their sockets.

‘’Why would it be because of him ?’’

Yugyeom looked at his hands, without meeting Jinyoung’s eyes.

‘’I just thought… You don’t seem to like him very much.’’

Jinyoung scoffed.

‘’I don’t know him, how could I decide if I like him or not ?’’

Yugyeom just smiled, waving his hand. ‘’Forget it’’, was all he said before helping him out with the coffee machine.

The day did not go better than the rest of the week, Jinyoung was still running around everywhere without getting a second to catch his breath, and dreading every second he might have to go up to Kim Jisoo. But this time, Jinyoung kept it all in and sat patiently. He had something to look up forward to. He had his plan to put into motion.

When the clock struck five fifty pm, a grin broke on Jinyoung’s face. He waited for his manager to give him a nod, signalling it was okay for him to leave, bid him goodbye and _ran_ all the way back to the Stage Department office.

He burst through the door, gasping when it felt it hit something.

‘’Oh I’m so sorry !’’ he exclaimed when Yugyeom’s wide doe eyes met his

Yugyeom just gave him a sign to tell him he was fine, then turned back to pack up his things for the day, head hung low. Jinyoung frowned.

‘’I didn’t check my phone all day’’ he said in a light tone, grabbing his own bag. ‘’Did you get a lot of people to come to the movies ?’’

Yugyeom’s head didn’t perk up, but Jinyoung caught the faint smile the younger sent his way.

‘’Yeah, a few.’’

Jinyoung’s frown only deepened. Why wasn’t Yugyeom pooping rainbows and flower emojis? Was he _finally_ , for the first time in his life, tired ?

‘’Did you convince the wardrobe squad to cancel their plans ?’’ Jinyoung chuckled, feeling the silent atmosphere clogging his lungs

Yugyeom shook his head, laughing slightly before heading towards the door.

‘’No, they said they had planned it a long time ago. It’s okay, there’ll be a next time.’’

Jinyoung’s heart felt constricted. He watched his colleague walk away, a few feet in front of him. The ache did not subside when he saw the younger dive for the stairs instead of the elevator, which was his usual choice after an exhausting week of running all around the Theatre.

Yugyeom waved at him at the spot where they usually parted ways, Jinyoung to catch his bus and Yugyeom to grab his bike.

Watching him turn his back, the ache in Jinyoung’s heart gave one more breath-cutting pang.

‘’Yugyeom !’’ he called before he could stop himself

The younger whipped around, his eyes wide and full of worry. Jinyoung gave him a slight smile.

‘’Text me the time and place, okay ?’’

Yugyeom stood there for a second, looking at Jinyoung like he had just spoken an alien language. Then, a huge grin lit up his all face and the boy started jumping.

‘’I will !’’ he chirped, waving with big gestures and skipping all the way to the bike parking area

Jinyoung watched him go, half a smile on his lips.

_It’s for the benefit of the mission anyway._

He took a big breath and looked around. He had spotted a café a few days prior, on the other side of the square, that had a fairly good view on the Theatre’s exit. If he managed to sit next to the window, he’d be able to catch his colleagues leaving one by one.

And so he did. Fortunately, despite the customers abounding at this hour, there was one small two-people table so squashed between the window and a pillar that everyone had avoided it. Jinyoung did not mind a bit of discomfort for the sake of his plan.

(If only a bit didn’t mean almost an hour and a half…)

Every time Jinyoung saw someone from his department leave, Jinyoung drew a cross on his napkin, until he could count the exact number of people he had in the list saved ‘Stage Dep’ on his phone. He managed to recognise also some of the seniors of the accounting department.

It was seven sixteen.

Jinyoung got up, grabbed his bag and went straight back to the Theatre.

‘’Hey Jinyoung !’’

Right as he was about to pass the door to get back in his workplace, he saw Mark come out.

‘’Oh hi ! I forgot my jacket.’’ he just said, passing by the older in a rush

He did not hear what Mark called after him.

Alright. He was in now. He needed a good hiding spot. Where ? Not the vending machine, it would give him a good idea of when each person left but it wouldn’t really help him assess the traffic in the backstage area. So… The makeup table.

For a second, Jinyoung imagined himself hiding under the table, but decided not to be ridiculous.

The backstage area was not as agitated and crowded as it was during the day, but there were still many technicians still working hard.

Jinyoung crouched down between the empty makeup table and a row of hanging trails, and took out a notebook to pretend he was studying or something. Much to his happiness, no one really paid attention to him.

He eyed the time on his phone and wrote down the evolution of the hassle around him.

At seven-twenty, the sound engineers were almost all gone.

Around seven-thirty, the prop and set builders started leaving one by one, not following an apparent regular rhythm.

By seven-forty five, only the gaffers and costume and wardrobe departments were still working.

‘’Hey… What are you doing here ?’’

Jinyoung jumped.

Im Jaebom was staring at him, wrapped in a coat, hat on his head and backpack on his shoulders, ready to leave. Jinyoung felt an uncomfortable heat creep up his neck.

‘’I missed my bus…’’ he muttered

Jaebom rose his eyebrows. He quickly glanced at the time on his cellphone but did not make any comment on how late it was, and Jinyoung’s brain started running a hundred miles an hour trying to find an explanation for losing track of time when he had his phone in front of his face.

‘’The place’s about to close though’’ was all Jaebom replied. ‘’You should go get your bus before you get stuck here.’’

‘’Yeah, thanks.’’

Jinyoung flashed him a polite smile and scrambled to his feet. At the exact moment he was about to follow Jaebom outside, he heard a familiar laugh. Jinyoung hid behind the hanging rail, ignoring the puzzled look Jaebom sent him.

The wardrobe squad, as Jinyoung would probably call them for the rest of his internship, passed by the makeup table looking like that group of friends on campus everyone stopped to watch. Jackson had his arm around Jennie’s shoulders and they were both laughing at some story Bambam was recounting with gestures, sound effects and facial expressions. Their eyes were scrunched, their bodies bent forward a bit with the force of their laughter, their smiles so wide Jinyoung could see their gums.

They greeted Jaebom on their way out, not noticing Jinyoung as they seemed too absorbed into whatever the topic of their conversation was.

Jinyoung felt a bitter pool forming in his stomach. It was eating at him, turning his lungs, his guts, his heart a deep black colour.

If Jinyoung opened up his Instagram as soon as he got on the bus, squashed between five people at the peak of rush hour, and stalked the account he had sworn he would not look at again, it was his own secret to keep.

And if he also clicked on the other two tagged accounts in the group pictures Bambam posted in between his ‘ootd’s, only the tall elderly man who had the misfortune of being pushed against Jinyoung’s back for half an hour would know.

Now… What the hell was he thinking when he told Yugyeom he’d come see the movie with him and other people this weekend ? He could have told him he had to clean his apartment, or that his parents were coming to Seoul for two days and that he wanted to show them a museum. Yugyeom would never have known it wasn’t true and that Jinyoung would actually have spent both Saturday and Sunday sprawled on his couch reading and mindlessly scrolling on his phone.

He could have backtracked when his colleague sent him the time and place, told him something had come up…

_Argh_.

‘’Popcorn for you too, hyung ?’’ Yugyeom asked him, counting on his fingers

Jinyoung gave him a lazy thumbs up and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Why did he say yes again ? To get information on his competition ? Well tough luck… Apart from him and Yugyeom, the only people there were Lisa, violin girl Roseanne, page-turner Youngjae and canary boy from accounting. Only one of them was worthy of Jinyoung’s efforts, but she was currently busy making fun of the giant movie posters in front of the theatre’s entrance.

Jinyoung stood next to the page-turner, Youngjae, half-hiding behind him, specifically to avoid another deep dive on the lives of canaries from his accounting colleague.

Yugyeom came back with everyone’s tickets and four popcorn buckets that he handed around. Jinyoung followed the group. He had no idea what the movie was about, Yugyeom had told him the title but he hadn’t bothered checking for a synopsis or a casting list. It was a cop movie, he was pretty sure.

Argh, why was he there ?

Seeing that canary boy was trying to sit next to Lisa or Roseanne, Jinyoung let himself fall behind, to be last in the group. He ended up sitting between Youngjae and a group of high school kids. On the other side of the page-turner, Roseanne, Lisa and Yugyeom were already commenting all the ads that started playing on screen.

Jinyoung felt his stomach churn. He looked down at the popcorn bucket in his hand. Just the thought of the sweetness in his mouth made him want to recoil. He pushed the bucket aside and eyed Youngjae, who was munching on his, focused the screen. The ads were reflected on the specs of his glasses, colouring his face in yellow, blue, green…

‘’So…’’ Jinyoung blurted out when the silence started clawing at his lungs. ‘’Are you also a pianist ?’’

Youngjae’s eyes fell on him, his cheeks had turned round with the food he was chewing. Jinyoung didn’t notice himself starting to nervously bend his own fingers in every direction.

‘’Yeah.’’ Youngjae answered once his mouth was empty. ‘’I study at KNUA.’’

Jinyoung almost whistled at that.

‘’So the orchestra is a side job ?’’

‘’It’s not a job. I’m assisting my teacher, he’s the main pianist of the National Orchestra. He’s kind of a big deal around the school.’’

Jinyoung’s brows furrowed.

‘’Wait…’’ he realised. ‘’You don’t get paid ?’’

Youngjae swallowed another mouthful of popcorn, his face and eyes perfectly calm, as if the situation wasn’t as baffling as Jinyoung made it seem.

‘’No, it’s part of the training.’’ he explained. ‘’Some of the students get to assist the teachers to get familiar with large concert settings, you know.’’

Jinyoung nodded. The drawing in his mind was starting to make sense.

‘’So it gives you more chances to find a spot in an orchestra after school ?’’ he guessed. ‘’It helps you get recommendations ?’’

Youngjae shook his head.

‘’That’s more about luck. Sometimes it helps, sometimes you have to put a bit more work on your own time. I can’t tell you how it’ll turn out for me. It looks great on a CV, though, that’s for sure.’’

Jinyoung felt a cold shiver run down his spine, like an icicle sliding down his back painstakingly slow.

‘’Isn’t that…’’ he choked. ‘’Very precarious ?’’

Youngjae shrugged and kept on eating his popcorn without seeming to be bothered by the questions.

‘’Well yeah.’’ he snorted. ‘’It’s the music industry. It’s a gamble. If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road.’’

‘’Guys.’’ Roseanne interrupted, leaning over Youngjae to send Jinyoung a pleading look. ‘’Do you mind if we forget about our impending unemployment for just two hours, pretty please?’’

But Jinyoung had already stopped listening after Youngjae’s last words.

His blood turned to ice.

His hand was shaking around the popcorn bucket, so much that he had to drop it on his lap to put his arms around his heart, that was beating so hard Jinyoung felt like it would burst his chest wide open.

He didn’t even notice when the ads suddenly went silent and the room faded into obscurity. The movie started playing, but Jinyoung couldn’t even raise his eyes to the screen, they were darted on his trembling fingers.

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

A bitter taste spread around his mouth.

_You shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_ …

Well then, Jinyoung could add Choi Youngjae to his obstacle course. He had encountered a deadly booby trap he never thought he’d find outside of abandoned jungle temples : a lethal hopscotch, that will make the ground crumble under you if you put your foot on the wrong combination of stones.

And now Jinyoung was free falling to the centre of the Earth.


	2. Act II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact : this was meant to be a small character study, but it ended up being three times longer than Maybe I’m Stupid.

You would think that a falling object is bound to stop eventually, to either crash on the ground or to float down gently after losing speed.

Well.

You would think wrong.

The following week was another week of rehearsals. The rhythm and intensity were pretty much the same as the week before, but Jinyoung now spent two more hours at the Theatre.

He had chosen the seven-thirty to seven-forty-five slot for his speed training, although he still had to figure out exactly how to practice without looking like a complete idiot running around, back and forth between the same two spots for fifteen minutes.

He got the hang of it quite quickly actually, despite the constant lump in his throat and the urge to throw up every time someone’s eyes met his.

His technique was simple. Walk from the stage curtain to the makeup tables in front of the changing rooms area, while timing himself on his phone. Very easy. If not for the fact that he nearly landed flat on his face a couple times because his eyes were glued to his timer and not on the wires taped to the ground. Thank God Lisa was not around to make fun of him when it happened.

So far, Jinyoung’s record was twenty-six seconds. It was still two slow. He had not asked how long it took Yugyeom, because that would entail having to tell him his own speed and Jinyoung wanted to spare himself the laughs. But their manager seemed satisfied by the younger’s performance, so Jinyoung was trying to keep up with him although they were less and less often doing tasks together as they had to split the heavy workload.

(Yugyeom also seemed to have snapped out of whatever his deal was before the weekend, he was chirping all over the Theatre like a sparrow, and Jinyoung was relieved —it meant the work could be done properly, without liabilities).

Now, after three days, no one seemed to really have picked up on Jinyoung’s unusual activity. Maybe he had become a master in the art of stealth. His manager didn’t seem to have been told, nor Yugyeom. Only Mark had started to send him questioning looks when they crossed paths at the end of the day, but he didn’t send any texts so Jinyoung had assumed he had remembered their conversation.

Jinyoung pressed pause on the timer, that displayed an almost perfect 00:26:01. He started at thirty-one on the first day, but he had been stuck at the same speed without progress since yesterday and it was starting to make his head reel.

‘’I’m glad to see you for once when you don’t seem about to faint.’’

Jinyoung snorted. He didn’t need to look up to know who had addressed him. He was actually surprised he had managed to avoid the wardrobe squad since the beginning of the week, not on purpose honestly —they always seemed to leave right when Jinyoung turned the corner to the changing room area.

‘’I’m glad too.’’ he said simply. ‘’For myself.’’

Jackson let out a loud laugh. Jinyoung noticed Jennie and Bambam weren’t far behind him, rummaging through Jennie’s bag as if looking for a key or something like that.

‘’Well I hope it stays that way.’’ Jackson’s tone sounded final. ‘’Don’t skip meals and don’t forget to drink water during the day. You’re always running everywhere, you need energy.’’

‘’Yes mom.’’ Jennie interrupted, coming up behind Jackson with car keys in her hands. ‘’Sorry, he says that to everyone. Let’s go, Jack.’’

Jackson waved at him, with a big smile, and left with the other two interns. Jinyoung refrained himself from letting a small laugh at the gesture. How ridiculous.

It was time for him to leave too. Maybe he could wait for Jaebom… He had found out the control room intern actually had a _train_ to catch to go home and that’s why he stayed a while after Mark had left, to read a bit in a place quieter than the train station to kill the waiting time.

Jaebom was actually someone Jinyoung could understand. He wouldn’t go as far as to say they were the same, but he didn’t feel surprised by the other’s actions and reactions, which made him quite safe to stay next to. Jinyoung couldn’t be caught off guard.

After three days, Jinyoung had also managed to push away the feeling of free falling.

Well.

That didn’t last very long.

‘’Park ! Kim !’’ their manager roared through the walkie talkie on Thursday evening, just as Jinyoung and Yugyeom were grabbing their bags to leave at the end of the day. ‘’Come down, _now_.’’

The two exchanged a looked that weighed a thousand stones.

Yugyeom was out of the door in a second. Jinyoung felt a pang in his chest, that cut out his breathing for a moment. He followed as quick as he could.

Their manager was in front of changing room twelve, surrounded by two other senior Stage Department managers, Kim Jisoo and the actor they had moved rooms for, Mr Seo, a seasoned actor best known for his passionate portrayals of less-than-sympathetic characters, your King Claudius-es or Torvald Helmer-s.

Jinyoung blanched as soon as all five pairs of eyes landed on him —and Yugyeom.

‘’Who had the keys to the changing rooms ?’’ their manager barked, striding towards them until he was all up in their faces

Jinyoung opened his mouth but no sound came out of his throat. He felt a slow, deep, suffocating cold settle down on his shoulders.

‘’We gave them to Mister Seo’’ Yugyeom answered calmly, practically stepping in front of Jinyoung —which could be mistaken as a gesture to shield him from their manager’s anger, but Jinyoung wasn’t fooled, he was being stepped on by his younger colleague— ‘’The copy is in your drawer, hyung, we didn’t take it.’’

For some reason, their manager glared right at Jinyoung, even though he wasn’t the one who had spoken, and it took his breath away.

‘’Then how the hell did someone get inside !’’ he yelled

Jinyoung noticed just then that Mister Seo was also yelling, but at Kim Jisoo, whose mouth was frozen in a tight smile that Jinyoung would have mistaken for something very, _very_ bad if it was directed at him.

‘’Someone got inside ?’’ Jinyoung repeated, his voice barely above a whisper

‘’Yes, Park, thank you for waking up, it’s about time !’’ their manager scoffed. ‘’Someone got in and stole a phone. This is the National Theatre, for God’s sake !’’

Jinyoung’s eyes were burning.

He couldn’t breathe.

No, no, no, no, _no_ …

_You useless moron, if you start crying now I’ll kill you !_ he cursed himself

Once again, Yugyeom stepped up. Why the hell was he so calm ? Did he not realise what was at stake ? Was he that stupid that he didn’t even understand how serious the situation was ?

‘’Hyung, are there no surveillance cameras ?’’ he asked

‘’We’re already on it. I’m trying to understand how someone could have broken in the room without forcing the lock. Someone must have taken the key.’’

And there it was again, his glare shooting right through Jinyoung. And _staying_ there.

‘’You got something to say, Park ? You’ve been awfully quiet.’’

The breath Jinyoung drew in tore his lungs apart, burning his throat and trachea.

And as if it wasn’t enough, Kim Jisoo turned around. Her eyes fell on Jinyoung and, although it lasted a second before she actually looked at his manager, the world around Jinyoung started spinning wildly.

He was fucked.

He was _so_ fucked.

_Breathe, you idiot, say something !_

‘’I think we should call the police to report the theft’’ Kim Jisoo sighed, pinching her nose. ‘’Mr Seo’s agency is blowing up my phone, I’d rather get this over with before they flood my inbox with lawsuit papers.’’

Yugyeom raised his hand, successfully drawing everyone’s attention to himself —even Jinyoung’s, who was still frozen behind him.

‘’Do you mind if I have a quick look ?’’ he said, pointing at changing room twelve

The managers’ eyes narrowed, eyeing the younger intern up and down. They gestured at the door, to tell him to go. Yugyeom gave Jinyoung a small nod to tell him to follow him.

They both stepped in the room, that had turned incredibly messy since they set it up last week.

‘’You could lose a labrador in this mess…’’ Yugyeom muttered only to Jinyoung

The three managers, as well as Mister Seo, stood in front of the door, watching their moves closely. Jinyoung could feel their gaze like a razor blade running across the skin of his back, leaving a burning trail.

‘’You look behind the table’’ Yugyeom whispered. ‘’I’ll check the desk.’’

Jinyoung moved as if Yugyeom had pushed the buttons of a remote control. He kept his breath as steady as he could, cursing at himself to stop thinking about the people watching him. But his head was so dizzy, he felt as if he would crash down any second.

There was a small table in a corner of the room, where Mr Seo had piled up various small clothing items, as well as two empty paper cups that stank of strong coffee.

There was an outlet, hidden by the actor’s scarf. It was situated in an awkward position, lower than the edge of the table, creating a small gap between the table and the wall.

Jinyoung almost heard a _ding !_ ring in his brain.

Jinyoung grabbed the corner of the table and pulled it towards him, then crouched down and came back with a smartphone in his hands, just a tiny bit thinner than the gap between the table and the wall.

Yugyeom’s face lit up. He ran to get the phone from Jinyoung’s hand and gave it to their managers with a triumphant smile.

‘’See. It just slipped.’’

The managers did not answer, did not even nod. They turned around to hand the phone to Mister Seo and gestured at the two interns to get out to let the actor get changed.

‘’See you tomorrow, boys.’’ was all their manager said before leaving the place

Kim Jisoo let out a deep sigh, and gave Yugyeom a small smile.

‘’Thank you for keeping your cool. I swear no one around here as a good head on their shoulders.’’

She did not look at Jinyoung, almost as if she hadn’t seen him, and walked away to finally answer her phone, that had been ringing furiously ever since they got there.

‘’I can’t believe you people gave me a heart attack when your client doesn’t even check if his phone might have slipped behind a desk before summoning the whole police department !’’ was all Jinyoung heard before she was out of hearing range

‘’They could at least have said sorry…’’ Yugyeom pouted but it came out muffled to Jinyoung

He felt as if he was underwater.

His head was reeling. He felt as if he had been dropped in a pool of ice, but his face was so hot that sweat was starting to stick his hair to the back of his neck.

‘’Hyung, are you okay ?’’ came Yugyeom’s voice again, distant

‘’Peachy.’’ he replied, although Jinyoung thought for a second someone else had talked instead of him

Where was Jackson with his obnoxious water bottles when he actually needed him ?

Shit.

Jackson.

‘’Hyung… We should go get our things.’’

Jinyoung waved his hand dismissively. His mouth felt so dry.

‘’Go ahead without me. I need… to go to the bathroom.’’

‘’Are you sure ?’’

‘’Yes !’’ Jinyoung spat, so loud it rang through his own skull

Yugyeom recoiled, like a kicked puppy, and practically ran away, head hung low. Jinyoung did not give it a second thought, his colleague would be back throwing fairy dust around in no time.

Now…

Was he really going to do this ?

No.

_Don’t be an idiot._

He still had his practice to do for the day, he couldn’t skip. He could just hide in the bathroom until his breathing evened out and he’d be back on his feet, ready to run around the place.

His knees buckled at the thought.

_You can’t slack off._

Jinyoung put his hand on his throat.

Or, he could leave now, get his things and hop on the bus. But it was rush hour and just imagining bodies squashed against his, the heat, the abrupt braking that sent him flying onto the nearest person, the dirty looks when he accidentally bumped into someone, thestop where half of the bus got out just for it to be crowded once again by a tidal wave of newcomers, the group of middle schoolers who talked too loudly and laughed at the other passengers…

Jinyoung was suffocating.

His feet moved on his own.

But not towards the stage.

He passed by the set building and prop making halls, barely registering the people moving around him, as if they were blurred ghosts walking in fast motion.

Once he reached the costume department, he frantically looked all around.

Where the hell was he ?

He always popped out of nowhere when Jinyoung wanted to be alone, and now he was playing hide-and-seek ?

His eyes landed on his target, who was carrying two large rolls of red fabric while one of the head costume designers gestured in the air, probably explaining what she needed him to do?

Shit.

He was busy.

Jinyoung’s first instinct was to turn around, but then the thought of being squashed in the bus assaulted his brain one more time.

_Don’t do it. Don’t be an idiot._

Jinyoung stood, frozen, for a minute.

No, this was not a question of pride, he was perfectly capable of asking for help if he needed it. He didn’t need any help right now. He could take himself home fine. He could probably even squeeze in fifteen minutes of practice, no problem, do you see a problem?, no there is no problem.

Jinyoung spun on his heels and ran.

He saw Jackson put down the fabric rolls on a large table at the far end of the hall, where the costume designer pointed him to. Jinyoung saw her turn to the huge shelf along the wall, taking scissors of different blade sizes and comparing them. She had her back to Jackson.

It was now or never.

Jinyoung sprang forward.

Jackson saw him one second too late, almost jumping to the roof when Jinyoung popped up right next to him.

‘’Jackson…’’ Jinyoung muttered, ignoring the inhuman squeal his fellow intern let out

‘’Oh my god don’t do that again !’’ he hissed, checking if the head designer had heard him, but she was still choosing her scissors. ‘’What’s wrong ?’’

‘’Is…’’ Jinyoung’s mouth was still so dry and his head was pounding, he wasn’t even sure the words that came out of his mind were audible. ‘’Is the offer still valid ? The car ?’’

Jackson’s face fell.

All of a sudden, his eyes widened and he turned fully towards Jinyoung, putting a strong hand on his shoulder —that was much too _warm_ for Jinyoung’s comfort, whose body still hadn’t decided if it was swimming in the Arctic Ocean or taking an early afternoon stroll in the Sahara.

‘’Yes, of course !’’ he almost yelled. ‘’I’m so sorry, I hope it’s okay, I had to park it so far this morning, there was so much traffic, are you okay to walk ?’’

Jinyoung nodded, but Jackson was already looking all around.

‘’Do you need to go to the hospital ? Should we leave _now_ ?’’

Oh shit, it was probably not even six pm yet, the wardrobe interns worked almost until eight.

_Good job, idiot._

‘’I…’’ he started replying but Jackson was already next to the head designer before Jinyoung could get one more syllable out

‘’I’m so sorry Ma’am, I need to get him to the hospital, he’s about to pass out, can I leave early ? I’ll work double tomorrow, promise !’’

The head designer turned around so quickly it made Jinyoung even dizzier, her eyes scanning him up and down with wide, worried eyes. It reminded Jinyoung of his grandmother.

‘’Oh yes, dear, I’ll call Jennie, you go. I’ll see you tomorrow.’’

‘’Thank you so much, Ma’am.’’

In a flash, Jackson was back at Jinyoung’s side, hand on his shoulder as if it had never left it. He pulled Jinyoung along, taking large strides across the hall.

‘’I’m _not_ about to pass out.’’ Jinyoung felt the need to correct him. ‘’And you’re _not_ taking me to the hospital.’’

Jackson only laughed.

As it turned out, Jackson truly had parked the car quite far, but Jinyoung found he didn’t mind. It had gotten quite windy, and the cool air whipping his face was soothing the ache in his lungs.

The bitter sensation in his stomach was back however, pooling low and ominous.

‘’Don’t you have a spot in the private car park ?’’ Jinyoung remarked when Jackson pulled out his key to open a red compact car a few feet ahead of them

‘’Yes but my badge was dysfunctional. My manager was supposed to give me another one but she keeps forgetting.’’

As soon as he sat in the car, Jinyoung felt the rumble in his brain quiet down, as if the metal body shielded him from all the noises attacking him.

To his surprise, Jinyoung found Jackson wearing big round glasses next to him, starting the ignition. He would have laughed if he didn’t feel the energy completely leaving his body. He slumped against the car seat, lazily attaching his seatbelt and closing his eyes.

‘’Don’t fall asleep.’’ Jackson warned him. ‘’If you don’t put your address in the GPS, I’m taking you to the hospital.’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes before opening them, pushing himself up and punching the characters of his address in the navigation.

‘’Nevermind’’ Jackson laughed when the GPS displayed the itinerary ‘’You can sleep if you want, we won’t get there so soon with this traffic.’’

Jinyoung fell back against the seat and closed his eyes again.

His apartment building was almost outside of town, north, in an area so residential he had to walk five blocks to find the nearest convenience store. He had at least a good hour ahead to cool down.

The soft rumble of the car engine, and the way it moved so slowly rocked Jinyoung into a state where he could breathe again. The muscles in his back were aching from the tension he had been under.

He had to think about what just happened.

His manager had yelled at him. _Yelled_. Properly, in his face, so close Jinyoung could probably identify the scent of detergent he used.

_Yes, Park, thank you for waking up, it’s about time !_

It’s about time… He had said _it’s about time_ , God Jinyoung was so screwed… It’s about time…

_You got something to say, Park ? You’ve been awfully quiet._

His manager had _suspected_ him. Or accused him maybe. Of what ? Of losing the keys ? Of stealing the phone ? Of helping someone steal the phone by giving them the spare keys ?

And who had stepped up and saved the day ?

Kim Yugyeom. Kim _Fucking_ Yugyeom, knight in shining armour with his cool head, who didn’t stutter or freeze when their manager was losing it and who had the good idea that solved the whole situation. Kim Yugyeom.

Jinyoung was so screwed.

He could kiss his job goodbye, there was no way they would want to keep him around after this. Yugyeom had won, Jinyoung had been such an idiot, how did he manage to _lose_ ?

As it turned out, he wasted time watching Lisa and Im Jaebom, he should have poisoned Yugyeom’s drink after all, that boy had been his only competition from the start and Jinyoung had gotten distracted.

He clenched his fists.

Oh how he’d like to smash a punch through the window next to him, but the last thing he wanted right now was to answer Jackson’s questions.

He’d have to wait to be home and punch his pillow.

How could he have been so stupid ?

Jinyoung took his face into his hands, feeling his eyes burning again.

_Don’t cry now, not in front of him_ , he urged himself

A car honked, right next to Jinyoung’s head, startling him, making him gasp and open his eyes.

Jackson glanced at him briefly, probably amused by his reaction. Jinyoung wanted to curl up in a ball.

Thankfully, the wardrobe intern did not ask any questions. Jinyoung assumed it was because he was focused on not crashing into an angry driver’s car —at this hour, all drivers were angry drivers, Jinyoung observed, with how many times Jackson had to brake to avoid someone switching lanes out of the blue.

When Jinyoung started recognising the buildings they passed by, an hour had gone by since their departure and he was ready to sleep for a hundred years.

Jackson abruptly pulled over and stopped the car, a few feet away from the flag representing Jinyoung’s building on the GPS. Jinyoung’s head snapped towards Jackson, who was looking at him with eyes so serious that Jinyoung nearly jumped on the car door handle.

‘’I know you’re gonna tell me you’re fine again’’ Jackson sighed. ‘’But it’s the third time this happens and that’s only counting the ones I saw. Does it happen often ?’’

Jinyoung took a deep breath. He shouldn’t have declared victory just because Jackson didn’t ask one question in the past hour, he should have known his fellow intern would disappoint him.

‘’No.’’ he said, his tone final. ‘’The two other times were a misunderstanding, this was the first time.’’

Jackson’s head tilt clearly meant he didn’t believe him, but Jinyoung didn’t care, he didn’t need him to believe him, he just needed to get out of the car now.

‘’You should leave now, you’re probably far from home.’’ Jinyoung added, grabbing the door handle

‘’Jinyoung.’’

Jackson just stared at him, without saying a word. Jinyoung was about to snap at him to get on with it, when the other leaned over his seat, reaching for the glove box. He took out a steel water bottle, slammed the glove box shut with the same hand that was holding it —okay, _nice_ — and handed it to Jinyoung.

‘’There’s a ninety percent chance you won’t listen to me.’’ Jackson laughed. ‘’But please make sure you keep this full at all times. If it happens again, just drink some water slowly, it will calm down your breathing and cool you down. Okay ?’’

Jinyoung took the bottle, weighing it with his hand. It was empty, but it looked brand new. Jinyoung was pretty sure he had seen a similar type in an ad on social media.

‘’Thanks for the ride…’’ Jinyoung muttered, finally pushing the car door open

‘’Take care.’’ was all the other replied, with a smile

Jinyoung kept staring at the bottle, all the way to his apartment, up the stairs and even now, in his kitchen.

A quick internet search of the name of the brand on the bottle cap was enough for Jinyoung to find out exactly how much it cost.

He spit out the water he was drinking.

_40,000 won ???_

Well… It wasn’t technically _expensive_. But it was definitely a price Jinyoung would only put on a gift for his parents, or his sister. Churros were one thing, but this guy’s kindness act was getting out of hand. Even if Jinyoung wanted to get in someone’s good books, he would never give up something he had paid that much for, knowing he would probably have to buy it again. So twice the price. What the hell was his deal ?

Jinyoung let out a humourless laugh.

Maybe he should let Jackson know, it was useless to try, Yugyeom had already won the entire competition.

His phone buzzed.

_did you get home alright hyung ? i’m sorry for today are you mad at me ?_

Jinyoung almost threw his phone against the wall. How could he have not noticed ? He thought Yugyeom’s puppy eyes and flower crowns were a sign of how stupid he was, how Jinyoung only had to wait for him to trip over his own feet. But no. It was an act too. And Jinyoung had fallen for it, he had underestimated him.

There was nothing in the world that made Jinyoung want to scream and trash a room as much as being outsmarted.

Only a month of internship had gone by and he had already lost the battle. What use was there in keeping up the fight ? Did he even have a chance to recover ? He couldn’t even quit, he needed his manager’s report to finish his degree, Jinyoung was going to be utterly miserable for five months now…

And the week wasn’t even done…

The morning after, Jinyoung got to the Theatre thirty minutes earlier than usual. Absolutely not because he was trying to avoid seeing his manager or Yugyeom as soon as he came in, no.

He had Jackson’s bottle in his bag, weighing heavy against his back. He had filled it and was determined to make good use of it. Just because the wardrobe intern was dumb enough to give out his things to someone he couldn’t win over didn’t mean Jinyoung was going to let a perfectly good steel bottle go to waste. One he even got for free !

Jinyoung went straight to the coffee machine backstage. If he got the machine started early, he wouldn’t have to interact with anyone later while they waited for him to be done.

As he was taking out a new box of filters and slashing it open, Jinyoung heard footsteps behind him.

Who came in at this hour ? Mark ? Someone from set-building ?

He froze when he recognised the wide grin flashed in his direction.

Jackson was walking towards him, fully dressed in black, from his tank top, to his shoulders, to the sneakers, to the hat in his hand.

‘’Fancy seeing you here so early.’’ he laughed, stopping to look at what the hell Jinyoung was doing —okay he may have completely eviscerated that box of filters…

‘’I could say the same thing.’’ Jinyoung grumbled, placing the filter in the machine and lunging for the stack of coffee

‘’Madame Moon asked me to come earlier for a few days to make up for the work I missed yesterday.’’

Jackson shrugged, but he was dead wrong if he thought Jinyoung was going to apologise just for him to deliver the classic line ‘’ _It’s okay, that’s what friends do, right ?_ ’’. Jinyoung had been fooled enough this week.

‘’Did you get some rest at home yesterday ? I didn’t ask, but I could have cooked you some good food, with nutrients, to give you some strength and recover quicker.’’

Oh so he wasn’t done talking ? Didn’t he have work to do ? Why was he bothering Jinyoung, when he was busy with this damn machine and the smell of coffee that was giving him a headache ?

‘’Yeah, well I’d have to have invited you up for that.’’

_Jinyoung, what the hell ? Just nod and say ‘okay’, don’t strike up a conversation, he’ll never leave you alone !_

‘’You look like you’d rather actually go to the hospital…’’ Jackson laughed, but Jinyoung caught a strange edge to his voice, that didn’t sound like his usual full booming laughter

Jinyoung finally pushed the button to start the first coffee and turned around, leaning back against the table to face Jackson, although he kept his gaze darted on the coffee pouring out into the paper cup. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second, his lids heavy with the sleep he hadn’t gotten enough of.

‘’I take it you’re one of those people who get restless when they’re not surrounded by people, but I’m not.’’ he muttered

God, this headache was killing him.

‘’Well you’re wrong. I very much enjoy my own company from time to time.’’

For some reason, that made Jinyoung look up.

Jackson had his hands behind his back, but Jinyoung could see him twisting them nervously. His eyes were quite big, now that he actually looked at him closely. Jinyoung tried to imagine him in homey clothes, lying on a couch with a book in his hands, with the glasses he wore while driving, sipping a warm tea in a flowery cup. If Jinyoung’s brain could display _does not compute_ , that’s exactly the error message that would have popped up, accompanied by a buzzing sound that would only have made his headache worse.

‘’Really ?’’ Jinyoung snorted, eyeing the other up and down

Jackson’s hand shot up to his head to ruffle his own hair, messing it up more than it already was.

‘’Well… Yeah…’’ he said, not looking straight at Jinyoung. ‘’When you’re alone and stuck between four walls, it gets hard to run away from the… _noise_ …’’

He gestured wildly around his head.

‘’Up there, you know ? But I’d rather be on my own than surrounded by people who make me stressed and miserable.’’

‘’So you’re an ambivert ?’’

Jinyoung had no idea why he was keeping the conversation going, maybe because while he focused on Jackson, his own thoughts about facing Yugyeom and his manager were pushed in a different corner of his mind.

‘’Maybe ?’’ Jackson replied, looking at Jinyoung with his big warm eyes this time. ‘’Maybe not ? Does it matter ?’’

Jinyoung jumped when the machine beeped, informing him the coffee was done. He put the paper cup on the side and started another. He offered the coffee to Jackson, who declined with a wave and a smile. Well, more for him, Jinyoung was determined to drown himself in coffee to get through the day.

He felt Jackson’s unwavering stare on him, and the muscles in his back tensed up automatically. He focused on the taste of the coffee filling his mouth, not wanting to meet the other’s eyes.

‘’And I take it you’re one of those people who need to know in what boxes to put the people they meet, right ?’’

Jinyoung almost choked on his coffee.

He narrowed his eyes, looking at Jackson, who had a smile at the corner of his lips for some reason.

‘’And that you make up your mind about people just by looking at their face once ?’’

Jinyoung gulped. His grip tightened around the paper cup, and he had to stop himself from crushing it, or it would have burned his entire hand. He held Jackson’s gaze, feeling a familiar iciness fill his throat.

‘’Yeah.’’ he said. ‘’And so far I’ve never been proven wrong.’’

Jackson laughed, but Jinyoung couldn’t tell if it was genuine or not this time.

‘’Congratulations, you should write a book about it.’’ he joked

Jinyoung frowned even deeper. Was that an insult ?

‘’Maybe I will.’’ he replied, still holding Jackson’s gaze —he’d be damned if he looked away first, he had lost a battle yesterday, he couldn’t also lose a staring contest or his pride would never recover

‘’Send me a copy. Signed.’’

Before Jinyoung could say something else —because not having the last word in this conversation was out of the question for him now— someone appeared right behind Jackson and everything around them froze.

Kim Jisoo.

Kim Jisoo was looking straight at him.

Shit.

‘’Park Jinyoung, right ?’’ she asked

‘’Yeah, that’s me…’’ Jinyoung sputtered too quickly, much too aware of Jackson’s eyes on him. ‘’Can I… help you ?’’

‘’About yesterday.’’

Jinyoung’s blood ran cold. For a brief second, his gaze met Jackson’s and he felt his lungs crush inside his ribcage. Jackson hadn’t asked what happened, and Jinyoung hadn’t told him. Now he was about to hear it from someone else’s mouth and if there was a list of people Jinyoung didn’t want to let in on his failures, the entire wardrobe squad was on top of it.

‘’Listen…’’ Jisoo sighed and Jinyoung’s eyes were back on her. ‘’I’d like to tell you you shouldn’t care about what your manager has to say but that wouldn’t cut it. You need to toughen up.’’

Jinyoung felt her words shoot right through his heart.

‘’If someone is yelling at you’’ she carried on, not noticing his discomfort ‘’or accusing you of things you didn’t do, you can’t just stand there and take it. It doesn’t matter if they’re older than you, or if they’re your boss, you have to look at them in the eyes and tell them like it is. Or else they’ll eat you up.’’

Jinyoung nodded weakly but he could already feel his eyes burning again.

_Don’t you dare, no. Don’t you dare cry._

Jisoo showed her phone screen, that was blowing up with notifications.

‘’Look at me.’’ she said, swiping the notifications away as if they were nothing —but Jinyoung had clearly recognised some of the biggest names in the acting world on those messages, _it wasn’t nothing_. ‘’I have to work with some of the most respected theatre actors in the country. Some of them are spoiled kids ready to throw a tantrum, some of them are dinosaurs, and some of them have completely lost touch with reality, but if I can’t look at them and tell them what they can and can’t do, then I can’t do my job properly.’’

She put her phone back in her pocket. Jinyoung’s heart ached, he would have answered every single one of those messages the second they popped on screen, what was she doing ?

_Don’t cry_.

But Jisoo wasn’t done talking yet. Her gaze was unwavering, as if her eyes could stress out the point she was trying to get across.

‘’They might get angry, they might hate you, they might give you a tough time, but you have to stand by yourself and do your job, okay ?’’

Jinyoung could only nod. His mouth felt so tight, so dry, his throat ached. He should have said something, even just made a sound of acknowledgment. She was probably thinking he was a crybaby.

Jisoo gave him a short pat on the arm and a polite smile before taking her leave.

‘’Take care, Park Jinyoung.’’

Well.

In his obstacle course, Jinyoung had just encountered the deadliest of all traps. Kim Jisoo, a ticking bomb, a stack of dynamite with a fuse burning slowly that would make Jinyoung blow up to pieces if he stood too closely.

And he just had.

Toughen up.

_Toughen up._

That meant he wasn’t tough enough, he was still too weak.

Jinyoung clenched the fist of his free hand so tightly the joints turned livid. His hand was shaking. It was taking all his resolve to not crash his fist through the goddamn coffee machine.

And that’s when Jinyoung felt it.

Jackson’s eyes on him.

The wardrobe intern was still there, staring at Jinyoung carefully, shoulders tense as if he was bracing himself for anything —was he ready to jump to catch him or to run away from him ?

It was driving Jinyoung mad.

‘’Don’t you have work to get to ?’’ he spat

Jackson flinched.

‘’Are you okay ?’’ he asked softly

‘’Ask me that one more time and I’ll key your car.’’

That seemed to do it — _finally !_ — Jackson took a few steps back, lowering his gaze and sending him a weak wave.

‘’Okay…’’ he said, tone low and miserable. ‘’If you need another ride, send me a text, I think you have my number in the group chat.’’

The wardrobe intern turned around to leave, but Jinyoung’s vision had turned red already.

He crushed the paper cup in his hand, and before he could stop himself, the words were out of his mouth.

‘’Are you done ?’’ he roared

Jackson whipped around, staring at him with wide eyes.

‘’Are you done playing nice guy ? I didn’t fall for it and I won’t fall for it, so just stop ! Stop asking me if I’m okay, stop talking to me ! I don’t like you and you can’t buy me with churros or water bottles or by calling everyone ‘’sir’’ and ‘’ma’am’’, so leave me alone !’’

Jinyoung saw it. The exact moment Jackson’s face fell. It felt like hearing a vase shatter on the ground in a silent hall. It only took a split second but Jinyoung felt the echo throb through his bones.

Jackson didn’t say a word. He just turned around and walked away, head low, holding his stomach.

And Jinyoung stood there. Watching him.

It felt surreal.

The silence was pounding in his head.

The emptiness was suffocating.

There was no satisfaction in finally letting out the words he had been holding on to.

There was no sound, no ripple. His shoulders didn’t feel lighter, his lungs still felt constricted, his heart still ached and the bitter sensation was spreading again through his abdomen.

And his hand stank of the coffee he had spilled.

His manager didn’t say anything about the previous day when Jinyoung finally saw him. He didn’t acknowledge it, just gave Jinyoung his first task of the day which thankfully did not involve being backstage.

‘’We’re doing a run though of the first act so I need you on hand this morning to take notes, okay ?’’

That he could do. That didn’t even require to open his mouth, an absolute blessing for him who didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

However, Jinyoung didn’t get the break he was hoping for.

Despite just having to stand in front of the stage and write down the movements, props, cues and various logistical requirements for the first act, Jinyoung’s head was a whirlwind of much different preoccupations.

First of all, Yugyeom kept looking at him and that reminded him that he hadn’t answered his messages from the night before, so he would have to find a moment to tell the younger that he wasn’t mad at him —although yes he was.

Then, Kim Jisoo was standing just a few feet away from him, taking her own notes. She didn’t glance at him but that didn’t stop Jinyoung from replaying their earlier conversation over and over in his mind.

_You need to toughen up._

_Stand by yourself and do your job._

There was also the fact that Jinyoung’s shoulder was almost brushing against his manager’s and that reminded him of how close he had been to yell at him. Which in turn reminded him of how screwed he was and how miserable he was going to be. Maybe there was a little bit of hope to salvage his pride by at least not making more mistakes to sink his boat any further.

And lastly…

‘’What did you do ?’’ Mark asked, startling Jinyoung

It was almost eleven. The director had asked for a break to discuss pacing issues with the actors, so Jinyoung was on stand-by.

‘’Why would I have done something ?’’ Jinyoung replied instantly, on the fence

‘’I was backstage earlier to get a bunch of batteries, I heard Jennie and Bambam screaming about you.’’

‘’Oh.’’

He had forgotten that little detail. He hadn’t given them the name ‘the wardrobe squad’ for no reason.

But…

They wouldn’t give him a hard time, would they ? Jinyoung had already a lot on his plate, the last thing he wanted right now was to have to watch his own back every time he stepped backstage.

‘’I had an argument with Jackson.’’ Jinyoung explained, realising Mark was staring at him questioningly. ‘’He might have told them.’’

‘’How did you manage to get into an argument with Jackson ? That kid is adorable.’’

_Yeah, he probably gave you churros or something._

‘’Well.’’ Mark sighed, patting him on the shoulders before walking back to the control room. ‘’Good luck with that.’’

Jinyoung pushed the conversation in a corner of his mind. The director was yelling about starting again from the top, and Jinyoung clearly heard his manager curse under his breath.

‘’Seriously ? Two hours for nothing ?’’

Yugyeom walked back towards them, eyes glued on his phone. He had used the break to answer his phone, but judging by his face, Jinyoung could tell it hadn’t been to make plans for a weekend outing.

‘’Why did Bambam just text me asking me to murder you ?’’ he blurted out when they finally stood shoulder to shoulder again

Just one glance at his colleague’s phone was enough to catch the notifications of texts in all caps from a private conversation with the wardrobe intern.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes, focusing on his notebook.

‘’He’s just being a drama queen.’’ he groaned

‘’What did you do ?’’

‘’Why is everyone asking me that ?’’

Yugyeom didn’t answer. Jinyoung was staring at the scene starting again on stage, but the silence next to him sent an eerie chill down his spine.

He looked at his colleague.

Yugyeom had opened the conversation and was reading Bambam’s text.

‘’Oh.’’ was all the younger said, his face falling

‘’What ?’’ Jinyoung pressed

Yugyeom switched off his phone, putting it back in his pocket. He wasn’t meeting Jinyoung’s gaze.

‘’I…’’ he said, barely audible. ‘’I just thought you were nicer than this, hyung.’’

Jinyoung froze.

Suddenly, his notes, the rehearsal, his manager standing right next to him, all of it was forgotten.

He turned his body towards Yugyeom, leaning closer.

‘’Is this about Jackson ?’’

Yugyeom still didn’t look at him.

Jinyoung grabbed his wrist.

‘’Yugyeom. Is this about Jackson ?’’

Yugyeom gave him a tight smile, gesturing dismissively towards the stage.

‘’It’s okay, hyung. You don’t have to like everyone. Let’s get to work.’’

But Jinyoung couldn’t.

He could see the actors on stage but the words weren’t reaching his ears. He was writing on his notes but he couldn’t guarantee any of it made any sense.

What did Jackson say ?

He hadn’t… He hadn’t said anything wrong, had he ?

He kept playing the conversation from this morning in his mind.

_I just thought you were nicer than this_.

When the stage managers finally announced it was time for lunch break, Jinyoung had probably pressed rewind on his own memory a couple hundred times, but still hadn’t found exactly what went wrong.

Yeah, maybe Jackson didn’t really like Jinyoung’s opinion of him, and maybe Jinyoung had been a bit too dry.

Scratch that he had yelled at him.

Okay. Fair enough. He didn’t have to yell at him. He had lost it and Jackson had been there to take the brunt of it.

Now how could he deal with one more situation ?

As he was about to exit the hall, already making plans to hide from everyone to eat his lunch in an empty so he wouldn’t have to face any of the other interns, he felt someone grab his arm.

It was Mark.

The control room operator pulled him away from the crowd of people leaving for lunch. He looked so serious that it made the uneasy feeling pool in Jinyoung’s stomach again.

_Oh god, what is it this time ?_

‘’You should apologise.’’ Mark said simply, taking out the keys to close the hall

Jinyoung stared at him, utterly confused.

‘’I heard what happened from JB.’’ Mark explained with a shrug

‘’Jesus, does everyone know ?’’ Jinyoung exclaimed

‘’Only the interns I think.’’

Well the interns were Jinyoung’s biggest problem. He could care less if the accounting manager had it out for him, he wasn’t in a group chat with her.

‘’But seriously.’’ Mark insisted. ‘’You should apologise. This is a workplace, we can’t have stuff like petty beef getting in the way. Let’s be professional, okay ?’’

_Professional_.

Okay, Jinyoung could be professional. He didn’t need his manager to hear about this and scold him for not being the same brand of sunshine and unicorns as Yugyeom.

‘’Assuming I can get to him without Jennie and Bambam skinning me alive.’’

Mark laughed at that.

Jinyoung could have used the lunch break to solve the question but for some reason the idea of having the eyes of all the interns focusing on him as he walked up to them made him want to throw up the meal he didn’t even have yet.

So, he hid in an office with a sandwich and decided there was another time for it. Next week maybe.

He tried to not think about the steel bottle in his bag.

When he went back to the hall, his phone started buzzing furiously. His heart jumped in his throat.

He checked it quickly, fully expecting to be cursed to death.

It was from the group chats —the interns and the music assistant— but it had nothing to do with him. Yugyeom was texting some details about a party. Jinyoung recognised Yugyeom’s address from the last time he had shared it.

When he joined the other members of the Stage Department in the hall, Jinyoung’s eyes landed straight on Yugyeom.

The younger looked up, and froze.

They both had their phones in hand, and it wasn’t hard to guess they were looking at the same conversation.

‘’You don’t have to come…’’ Yugyeom whispered when Jinyoung took out his notebook again

Jinyoung looked at him, raising his eyebrows. The younger looked so sad, and he couldn’t comprehend exactly : why he was taking this so close to heart ?

‘’To my party.’’ he added quickly. ‘’Just… Jackson said he’d be there, you know. So I’d understand.’’

Jinyoung’s stomach dropped.

‘’Yugyeom…’’ he breathed out, leaving the notebook aside and reaching out to the younger’s arm without thinking

‘’It’s okay, hyung, I told you it’s okay.’’

And with those words, Yugyeom climbed back one row of seats, as if to get a better look at the stage.

Now Jinyoung’s heart ached.

Properly hurt, as if someone had crushed it in their fist.

Okay.

Fuck it.

He had to find Jackson.

Professionalism or not.

He would take Yugyeom’s screeching and harmonising with printer machines any day over whatever this kicked puppy look was.

The question was : how ?

The afternoon went by excruciatingly slow, and must too fast for Jinyoung to find a solution to his problem.

When everyone started packing up and leaving, he was still at loss. Should he go now ?

No, shit, he still had his things in the office, if he went now they would close and he would be stuck here without his keys or his bus pass.

Jinyoung _ran_. He barely registered his manager yelling at him that he was going to fall down the stairs. He burst through the office door, gathered his things in his bag and rushed back downstairs, almost knocking down Yugyeom and his manager on the way down.

‘’Park, what the hell ?’’

‘’Sorry !’’

He crossed the hall in a second. Before he knew it, he had passed the stage curtain, the makeup table and the changing room areas. He should have timed himself.

The wardrobe department was usually empty at this hour, the interns were mobilised in the costume designing hall, so Jinyoung headed straight there.

As soon as he stepped foot in the right hall, he started look around, frantically scanning for a head of brown hair dressed in full black. Not the easiest thing, particularly given the fact that most people working there were either crouching or were hidden by petticoats and capes.

Where the hell was Jackson ?

Madame Moon was there, but it was someone else with her.

Someone whose eyes landed straight on him.

If someone’s glare could turn you into a stone statue, it would be Jennie Kim’s.

So, if Jackson was not in the costume making hall, maybe he was in their storage room. Jinyoung caught sight of the door he remembered from his first day visit, and headed straight there.

He did not expect Jennie Kim to appear in front of him, blocking the way to the door, arms crossed and looking at him as if murder was a delightful item on the menu.

‘’Where do you think you’re going ?’’

‘’Where’s Jackson ?’’ Jinyoung asked impatiently, trying to bypass her but she quickly stood in front of him again

‘’What ? Wanna yell at him again ?’’

‘’I want to apologise.’’

‘’No.’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. What was this, middle school ?

‘’Hey, how can I apologise if you don’t tell me where he is ?’’ he groaned

Jennie tilted her head, eyeing Jinyoung up and down, and simple gesture was enough for him to feel a shiver crawl up his spine.

‘’You’re an asshole, Park Jinyoung, you know that ?’’ she said, so calmly it was making things even worse. ‘’I don’t know if you think you’re cute walking around judging everyone, but as a general rule that’s not gonna make people like you.’’

She gasped.

‘’Oh wait. You don’t want people to like you. You’re too good for that, right ?’’

She passed by him, bumping into his shoulder, on the way back to her work.

‘’If you wanna apologise, reach out for him yourself.’’ she called after him without looking at him. ‘’I won’t put in the effort for you.’’

Jinyoung stood there, his hands shaking. What now ?

At least he knew what Jennie’s role was in the obstacle course. She was the sniper on the roof. With perfect aim, that Jinyoung never saw coming until there was a red dot shining smack in the middle of his forehead.

He should have seen it coming though.

He spun on his heels and ran out of the hall. And just as he was about to leave, like a mythical punishment of some sorts, he bumped into the human embodiment of both Charybdis and Scylla.

‘’Yes I’m an asshole, I already heard it from Jennie…’’ he muttered passing by Bambam who was eyeing him through his yellow tinted glasses

‘’It doesn’t hurt to hear it twice.’’

Jinyoung almost asked him where Jackson was but if Jennie hadn’t told him, Bambam certainly wouldn’t either.

‘’Just…’’ Bambam called out

Jinyoung turned around, question marks popping in his brain. Bambam’s face was cool, composed, and Jinyoung knew he had fallen into Scylla, away from from the whirlpool of antagonisms and name-calling. Unlike what he feared, and what Mark seemed to fear as well, there would be no beef. Just an excruciating cold war.

‘’It’s not hard to tell you don’t like us.’’ Bambam said, looking at Jinyoung’s eyes with a sincerity he wasn’t expecting. ‘’I don’t know what we did, especially Jackson hyung, and you don’t have to take my word for it, but he really is a nice person. We’ll stick by him, just… don’t hurt him again, okay ?’’

Jinyoung opened his mouth, but no words came out.

He just nodded.

He walked away.

His head was reeling.

_Calm down, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just people you work with for a while, you won’t see them ever again after this, it doesn’t matter they think._

But yes, yes it did.

It very much mattered.

Five months was a fucking long time.

And somehow Jinyoung, in the matter of a split second, had turned into the villain of the story. Bye bye James Bond. Where was his rule book when he needed it ?

_Rule n°7 : Be wary of compliments. They rarely come free of charge._

And what about being called an asshole ? Was that free of charge ?

_Rule n°1 : You are on your own. No one is looking out for you, there’s a price for friendship._

Sure, but suddenly being on your own against the whole world didn’t sound as cool as he made it out to be.

_Rule n°3 : Always do all of your work yourself, if something goes wrong you should only have yourself to answer to._

Yeah, that one he had followed alright. Even in fucking everything up, he had done it all by himself. A round of applause, please ?

_Rule n°4 : Always take responsibility for your actions, no matter how badly they reflect on you._

And there it was.

Jinyoung’s hand were still shaking.

He stopped walking, hid in a corner, and let himself fall against the wall, dropping to the ground with his knees against his chest.

There was always one rule he forgot.

_It’s not that easy, eh ?_

Of course it wasn’t.

Taking responsibility was fine when there were no consequences.

In the span of less than twenty four hours Jinyoung had managed to give his manager, as well as Kim Jisoo and the rest of the Stage Department, the impression that he was not cut for the job, and to fall off the good graces of every single one of the interns he worked with.

He had always been fine with being alone, with not being people’s friend. So why was he suffocating right now ?

He slipped a bit, and felt a hard object dig into his back.

The water bottle.

Jinyoung slipped his bag from his shoulders and took out the steel bottle, uncapping it and downing it’s content.

_Slowly_ , he remembered.

The water was still cool.

The cold liquid went down Jinyoung’s throat and, just as slowly as he was drinking, the tension in his muscles alleviated. Bit by bit, his mind started feeling grounded again, and his breathing evened out.

All it took was drinking the entire thing.

Okay.

Now that he was thinking more clearly, he also remembered what Jackson had said, one second before Jinyoung had unleashed all his frustrations from the week onto him.

Jinyoung took out his phone, opened the group chat and searched Jackson’s phone number.

Shit. What could he say ? Maybe he could get this over with and send a text with his apology ? That would cut it right ?

No. It definitely wouldn’t cut it.

_Hey, it’s Jinyoung. Meet me by the stage when you’re done working ?_

He pressed send.

And now he just had to wait.

Why was his heart pounding in his skull ?

Seeing no new notification from Jackson, Jinyoung went to the bathroom to fill up the bottle again. He managed to down another litre of water before his phone finally buzzed.

_Okay_

For some reason, Jinyoung almost burst out crying on the bathroom floor.

He waited for Jackson, sitting on the stage. He had seen pretty much everyone leave now, even Mark.The hall was empty, Jinyoung could see every single red seat, hundreds and hundreds in front of him.

The view was striking.

This was the view that actors had.

When they stood on stage, under the lights, that’s what they saw. When they rehearsed, that’s what they saw.

Jinyoung got up and closed his eyes.

He took a big breath.

It wasn’t hard to conjure up the image of hundreds of people sitting in those seats. Dressed to the nines, with booklets in their hands, children with eyes full of awe at the size of the place… It wasn’t hard to conjure up the sound of applause, the short moment of silence after the clapping dies down, the breath before the orchestra plays the first note… And then, solemnly, as the curtain lifts, the first lines are spoken in revering silence…

‘’You changed your mind ?’’

Jinyoung almost fell off the stage, startled.

Jackson stood behind him, half-hidden by the stage curtain. Somehow, he looked so small and breakable. It was an unsettling sight. His usual smile was nowhere to be found.

‘’No, no !’’ Jinyoung scrambled to say. ‘’I… I just got distracted.’’

Jackson nodded. He walked up to him, sitting on the edge of the stage, dropping his backpack on the ground.

‘’So… How can I help you ?’’

Jinyoung snorted as he sat down too, a few feet away from Jackson.

‘’Help me ? I’m supposed to apologise, aren’t I ?’’

Jackson shrugged. He wasn’t looking at Jinyoung.

‘’You’re not _supposed_ to do anything. You apologise if you feel sorry, you stand by your words if you meant them.’’

Jinyoung bit his lip. Well. Technically. He did mean them.

‘’I do feel bad for making you sad…’’ he said softly

Jackson looked at him. His face looked peaceful, no traces of pain or anger in his eyes. But no traces of glee either. It was almost… resignation ?

‘’Don’t be.’’ Jackson smiled faintly. ‘’That’s for me to deal with.’’

‘’See !’’ Jinyoung groaned. ‘’This is what I mean. You say things like that, it sounds nice but I feel like you’re trying to make me feel worse.’’

‘’Or maybe I mean it.’’ Jackson replied calmly. ‘’Someone else wouldn’t have felt sad in this situation. You may have pulled the trigger but the pain belongs to me.’’

Jinyoung scoffed, shaking his head. This was going to be much harder than he thought.

‘’Why can’t you just believe me ?’’ Jackson asked, and Jinyoung had to admit his big brown eyes _did_ look awfully genuine, and it was irking him. ‘’I’m not playing mind tricks.’’

Jinyoung held his gaze for a second.

Could he really buy that sincerity ? This was a theatre after all, it could be just a play bleeding into their lives.

‘’People are rarely as nice as you are without strategic intent.’’ Jinyoung said

Jackson laughed at that, and Jinyoung failed to see what was funny.

‘’It’s not a strategy. Don’t get me wrong, yes, I do it on purpose, I want people to think positive things about me, I want to be nice. But not because I make a profit from it. It just makes me genuinely happy to see people smile or laugh because of me. You can call it seeking validation if that’s what it looks like to you, it doesn’t change the fact that it warms my heart to make people happy.’’

And somehow, that, Jinyoung could believe.

He’d call it naiveté though, not seeking validation.

‘’It sounds like the surest way to get hurt.’’ he groaned

‘’It is. You’re living proof of that.’’

_Ouch_.

‘’Then why don’t you stop ?’’

‘’I thought about it.’’

Jackson started swinging his legs as he kept speaking and Jinyoung found himself staring at the motion.

‘’Back in high school I told myself I’d stop being nice to assholes who were just trying to take advantage of it. It helped me take the weeds out of my friend group, I’ll tell you that. But I don’t think I could ever stop. Completely stop, I mean. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to become a cynic, you know ? It’s the worst thing that could happen to me.’’

‘’Worse than getting your heart broken ?’’

Jackson chuckled to himself, and looked at Jinyoung with what he could only describe as a _warm_ smile.

‘’I don’t mind getting my heart broken, it’s bound to happen sometimes in life. As long as it’s smart heartbreak, I can survive.’’

Jinyoung couldn’t help it.

He laughed.

‘’Smart heartbreak ?’’

Jackson’s smile widened for some reason.

‘’Yeah. When you don’t let the same person break your heart twice for example. Or when the red flags are screaming at you, you don’t jump straight into the fire pit, you know ? It’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve, but you still have to take care of it.’’

Jinyoung remained silent for a while, weighing the words the other had just spoken.

He never had had his heart broken. At least… Not in a long time. He had back when he was a kid, and half-way through middle school, before he started writing his mental rule book. Actually, the rule book was a remedy to the heartbreak.

‘’It’s the heartbreak that leaves scars I don’t want.’’ Jackson muttered, his tone suddenly darker. ‘’The one that ruins every good that comes after.’’

Something in Jinyoung’s chest gave in, like a knot finally loosening up.

‘’Has it happened before ?’’ he asked, pressing his lips tight

‘’Of course. It happens to most people.’’

‘’Was it me ?’’

Jackson looked at him and grinned, and Jinyoung just felt his heart tighten in his chest.

‘’No.’’ Jackson laughed softly. ‘’I’ll heal from you. You’re a scratch. It hurts on the spot, but after some time you can’t even tell it was here. I’ll survive.’’

At that, Jinyoung allowed himself to smile a little bit.

‘’Does that mean you forgive me ?’’

Jackson turned around to face Jinyoung, sitting crossed-legged.

‘’I wasn’t even mad to begin with. Hurt, yes, mad, no. There’s nothing to forgive.’’

‘’Are you sure ?’’

Jackson shrugged.

‘’I told you. I don’t let my heart get broken twice by the same person.’’

Jinyoung bit his lip to stop his smile from getting wider.

‘’Aren’t you being too nice again ?’’

Jackson gave him a small slap on the knee.

‘’Hey, I won’t stop being nice to you because you had a bad day. I’ll tread more carefully, but if you need a ride to the doctor or someone to catch you when you run without looking at the wires, I’ll still be there.’’

Jinyoung gave up. He grinned.

‘’You’re too nice for your own good.’’

‘’If that’s how you see it.’’ Jackson said, getting up and holding his hand to help Jinyoung. ‘’Come on. Let me drive you home.’’

Jinyoung stared at him in disbelief.

‘’Are you sure ?’’

Jackson put his arm around his shoulder, grabbing his bag with his free hand, to draw him along.

‘’You had a shit day. Taking the bus at rush hour would just make it shittier.’’

Jinyoung would probably never understand what drove Jackson to be so kind. But for now, he just had to admit to himself that it would be absurd to go to these lengths for personal profit, it had to be sincere.

Thankfully, this time Jackson had managed to park almost in front of the theatre.

One more time, Jinyoung felt a quiet and comfortable sensation wrap around him as soon as he got inside the car.

This time, he did not close his eyes. He watched Jackson drive. For some reason, the way his eyes looked at the road as if they were taking everything in, the way he manoeuvred the steering wheel smoothly as if it weighed nothing, the way even when he was driving in the faster lane it never felt like the car was going _fast_ … Something about it made Jinyoung feel as if he was a hundred times more shielded than he would be alone in his own home.

They reached Jinyoung’s street without exchanging a word. Jackson did not comment on Jinyoung’s staring, and pulled over in the same spot he had the previous day.

‘’Come to Yugyeom’s party tomorrow.’’ Jackson said as he switched off the engine

Jinyoung looked up and noticed they had parked.

‘’I don’t think he wants me there…’’ he muttered, lowering his gaze

‘’Are you kidding me ? If there’s one person he wants there, it’s you. That kid loves you to pieces.’’

Jinyoung’s widened, he looked at Jackson as if he had just grown a second head.

‘’Really ?’’

He couldn’t imagine something like that. Were they talking about the same person ? The boy who had avoided his eyes all day ? The boy who had said ‘’ _I thought you were nicer than this_ ’’ a few hours earlier ?

Jackson nodded.

‘’Yeah, he looks up to you a lot. You made his day when you told him you’d have lunch with him, that’s all he talked about for days.’’

Jinyoung remembered that day. He also remembered Yugyeom’s reaction when he had agreed to be part of the group chat. He had looked like Jinyoung had just turned the roof into a night sky. And when he was sad because the wardrobe squad couldn’t come to the movies with him, and Jinyoung had said he’d come, that smile he had sent before leaving…

Shit.

Jinyoung was a horrible person.

‘’So ?’’ Jackson asked softly, drawing Jinyoung out of his thoughts. ‘’You’ll come ?’’

Jinyoung looked at him. His eyes were big and he was biting his lips.

Jinyoung sighed.

‘’Everybody there hates me…’’

‘’No they don’t.’’

Jinyoung laughed bitterly.

‘’Well I got some quotes from Jennie and Bambam from earlier that say otherwise.’’

‘’I’ll talk to them. They don’t hate you, they’re just being protective.’’

Protective…

Yeah, Bambam had said as much.

_We’ll stick by him, just… don’t hurt him again, okay ?’_

Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder… was there anyone willing to stick by him ? To be protective over him ?

Was he even worth the effort ?

He was an asshole who hurt everyone around him after all.

Once more, Jackson drew him out of his thought spiral, by shifting on his seat to be face to face and looking at him again with those _warm_ eyes.

‘’Come.’’ why the hell was his voice so soft ? This was the guy who had a booming laugh that Jinyoung had sometimes heard from the other side of the backstage area, this was very unsettling. ‘’I’ll give you a ride home if that’s what you’re worried about.’’

Oh yeah, Yugyeom’s apartment was quite far from his, that was the excuse he had used last time the younger had organised a get-together.

Jinyoung tried to bite back his smile.

‘’I’ll end up being in your debt forever if you keep this up.’’

Jackson smiled back, and it gave Jinyoung chills.

‘’One day you’ll believe me when I say some things don’t come with a price.’’

Jinyoung couldn’t really imagine something like that. But he also could not have imagined someone like Jackson existing outside of naive people’s fantasies.

‘’Come.’’ Jackson insisted one more time, and Jinyoung gave in.

He would think about how Jackson’s existence was starting to freak him out later.

He texted Yugyeom as soon as he got in his apartment.

_Is it alright if I come to your party after all ? Jackson insisted but I wanted to check if it’s okay with you first._

It took the younger exactly 0.006 seconds to reply.

_jackson?????????????_

And so that’s how Jinyoung found himself getting out at a bus stop in an area he had probably been to once, when he was going to university, and punching the entry code of a building that looked quite new.

He was strongly hoping that the party would be another get-together like the one he had spied on through social media stories, without too much noise or trouble, just friends hanging out together.

_Friends, really, Jinyoung ?_

When he got out of the elevator, he breathed a sigh of relief. He could hear some noise coming from the door Yugyeom had indicated was his, but it was nothing more than what you would expect from a bunch of people in their early twenties.

Jinyoung knocked.

Yugyeom appeared a second later, and the bright grin that spread on his lips made Jinyoung’s heart ache.

‘’Hey ! Welcome !’’ Yugyeom chirped. ‘’Come in, come in, you can leave your coat in my room, it’s at the end of the corridor there.’’

Jinyoung handed him the stuff he had brought, nothing much, just a box of pastries from the small bakery next to his house —the elderly lady who made the cakes had given him extra because he had mentioned it was to bring to his _friends_.

The first thing Jinyoung noticed about Yugyeom’s apartment, despite having seen it in his stories, was that it was much cleaner and minimalistic than he would have expected the younger’s taste to be. But then what did he expect ? Rainbow coloured walls ? An indoors bouncy castle ?

The entrance door gave directly into a corridor, at the end was Yugyeom’s room as he had directed him, on the other side was the door to the living room, where Jinyoung could see Bambam, Lisa, Jennie and Youngjae aggressively playing Monopoly while Roseanne and Jaebom watched.

‘’Leave your things quick, hyung, I’ll get you something to drink.’’

Jinyoung looked at the younger and remembered his conversation with Jackson. Did he really look up to him ? Was he really _that_ happy to have him there ?

‘’Hey, Gyeom !’’ he called after the boy before he disappeared into the living room

Yugyeom stared at him with wide, confused eyes. Jinyoung smirked.

‘’How’s it going with _Rosie_ ?’’

Yugyeom turned a bright shade of tomato red and practically screeched.

‘’Argh, no, hyung, stop !’’

Jinyoung laughed, but as soon as the younger was out of the door, his face fell again.

His heart felt so uncharacteristically empty.

Or rather.

It felt like his heart had been empty before but Jinyoung had never noticed until he got a taste of what it felt like to have a spark run through it.

Yes he had teased Yugyeom a bit before, but he had stopped himself most of the times he had wanted to. Why ? Well.

Because that would be unprofessional.

And it was burning Jinyoung’s tongue to say so but…

He liked it.

‘’Are you gonna stand there all night ?’’

Jinyoung jumped, and breathed out when he saw Jackson standing against the door of the bathroom.

‘’Stop startling me all the time.’’ he groaned

‘’Where’s the fun in that ? Come on, leave your stuff, you still have to jump into the lion’s den.’’

Jinyoung would have liked to not have been reminded.

He left his coat and his bag on Yugyeom’s bed, and joined Jackson, who threw an arm around his shoulders and guided him to the living room.

Unsurprisingly, that didn’t go unnoticed by the other guests.

Jinyoung was much too aware of the pairs of eyes that darted towards him as soon as he stepped into the room, much too aware of how he held his breath, of how the cold, bitter sensation clawed at his lungs.

However, no one made a comment.

Jinyoung stayed a bit at a distance from the others during the night, watching rather playing, not really jumping into the conversations with opinions or stories of his own.

He was a bit scared, he had to admit.

He didn’t understand why, he had never been before.

Or maybe he had but had been really good at avoiding situations where he’d be confronted to people.

His eyes did not leave Jackson all night.

That boy was a mystery.

The soft-spoken guy with puppy dog eyes had turned into a machine running on perpetual energy. If it was possible to charge a battery too much, Jinyoung guessed it would look a bit like Jackson around people.

Yugyeom was right, Jackson had everyone in stitches. Even Jinyoung had to bite his own tongue to not burst out laughing here and there. And that’s how Jinyoung finally saw it. He looked around to check if people had seen his reaction, but found no eyes on him. They were all drawn to Jackson, like planets in orbit, and they _shined_. There was a spark in people’s eyes when they looked at Jackson, all of them without exception.

Jinyoung’s stomach dropped.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He excused himself to the bathroom, for convenience really, he was pretty sure no one noticed him leaving the room.

He splashed cold water on his face.

The past twenty four hours had somehow managed to twist his head upside down more than the twenty four hours before.

He was slowly losing all his arguments, the arguments that were his protective fences, the ones that extended a secure path for him to walk on. Now everything that made sense before was starting to crumble to dust and there was nothing he could do but watch helplessly as even the dust slipped through his fingers and dissolved into the wind.

_Pull yourself together._

_You’re not a child for fuck’s sake._

What was he going to do ? With Yugyeom, with Jackson, with everyone, with himself ?

He took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom.

He shouldn’t have been surprised to find Jackson there, leaning against the doorframe of Yugyeom’s kitchen, looking at him.

Jinyoung closed the door softly.

He held Jackson’s gaze and leaned back against the wall.

He didn’t want to join the others in the living room right now.

He felt so small.

So small.

But somehow under Jackson’s gaze that didn’t feel so scary.

Did he have that same spark in his own eyes when he looked at him, like the others did ? Had he never noticed it ? Was it some sort of magic spell ? Could Jackson see it ?

‘’Can I ask you a personal question ?’’ Jackson asked, his voice barely above a whisper as if he was scared to wake up someone

Jinyoung hesitated.

He hated personal questions.

He nodded weakly.

‘’Do you really want to be a stage manager ? Or is that what you settled for ?’’

Jinyoung felt his insides turn cold.

He stared at Jackson, desperately searching for a clue as to what he was thinking. Jinyoung was good at reading people, right ?

But no, Jackson’s face was unreadable. It wasn’t soft, it wasn’t warm, but neither was it cold or harsh. It was just calm. And somehow, that made things a hundred times worse.

‘’What do you mean ?’’ Jinyoung whispered, not trusting his voice at the moment

Jackson stalled, as if he was choosing his words carefully.

Jinyoung’s heart was pounding against his skull.

‘’You look at the stage like you’d rather be on it.’’ Jackson finally said

Jinyoung swallowed thickly.

There was still no trace of anything on Jackson’s face, no mockery, no suspicion, just… quiet, steady, sincere curiosity.

‘’Doesn’t everyone ?’’ Jinyoung replied, and he clearly heard the way his voice trembled

‘’I don’t.’’

Jinyoung remembered his conversation with Youngjae the weekend before, and it took everything in him not to run back into the bathroom and throw up everything he had ever swallowed.

‘’What was your major ?’’ Jackson asked again, but to Jinyoung it sounded less like a question and more like a hook to confirm a theory

Jinyoung’s throat felt tight.

He looked into Jackson’s eyes. There had to be a red flag in there, a bright danger sign to convince Jinyoung to cut the conversation short and go home.

‘’Drama.’’ he breathed out

Jackson smiled. Jinyoung stopped breathing for a second.

_Why is he smiling ? Why, what is he thinking ?_

‘’That’s amazing !’’ Jackson exclaimed —Jinyoung was now praying one of the other people in the living room would come to check on them and pull them back in the group conversations. ‘’What the hell are you doing printing schedules and playing fetch for your managers when you should be at least an understudy ?’’

Jinyoung shook his head. Of course Jackson wouldn’t understand.

‘’I don’t have what it takes.’’

Jinyoung pushed himself from the wall and started walking back to the living room, but Jackson grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.

‘’What’s that supposed to mean ?’’

Jinyoung looked straight into Jackson’s wide eyes, trying to make his gaze as hard as he could, but for some reason he found it tougher than he used to.

‘’I’m average, Jackson.’’

‘’You’re not average. _No one_ is average.’’

Jinyoung scoffed and rolled his eyes.

‘’No, plenty of people are.’’ he argued, furiously pointing at his own chest. ‘’Who are not really good at some things but also not really bad at anything. There’s always someone better than you. I thought I was good at my job, but no, Yugyeom is better. I thought Yugyeom was good at socialising, but no, you’re better.’’

Jackson snorted.

‘’I’m not better than Yugyeom, it’s not a competition.’’

Jinyoung started waving around the arm Jackson wasn’t holding, angrily trying to get his point across to the other who just _didn’t understand_.

‘’It is !’’ he almost yelled. ‘’Everything is a competition ! We’re all fucked out there, you have to stand out or else you fall behind and lose !’’

Jackson managed to grab Jinyoung’s other hand and pulled it back down, looking at Jinyoung straight in the eyes as he held him in place.

‘’There’s plenty of people who are really good but who still struggled for a while, it doesn’t mean they lost. It’s not the law of the jungle, it’s just hard work and serendipity.’’

‘’You know the word serendipity ?’’ Jinyoung spat

He realised his mistake a second too late.

Jackson’s face fell, he let go of both of Jinyoung’s hands, turned his back to him and walked into the dark kitchen.

Without thinking, Jinyoung ran after him.

He lunged at the other, wrapping both his arms around Jackson’s bicep, and buried his face in his shoulder.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please, please, forgive me…’’ he pleaded, tightening his grip around Jackson’s arm

_What the hell are you doing ?_ a cold, biting voice in a corner of his brain called out

Jackson stood still. He turned his head slightly towards Jinyoung, who looked up to meet his gaze. He could barely make out Jackson’s profile in the dark, even though his face was so close to his.

What was this guy’s deal ? Had Jinyoung made him up in his mind ?

‘’Are you always so negative about everything ?’’ Jackson sighed

Jackson wasn’t mad at him. Jinyoung’s breathing evened out.

Without knowing why, he hid his face into the other’s shoulder again. He smelled of something that reminded Jinyoung of his car, of something that could ease the tension in his muscles. Was it that _warmth_ Jinyoung couldn’t name again ?

‘’Yeah…’’ he muttered. ‘’I like to walk around looking at the ground instead of the sky, I don’t want to crash into a pole.’’

‘’Is that why you keep tripping on fifty millimetre wires ?’’

Jinyoung gave him a punch on the shoulder. Jackson burst out laughing, and Jinyoung almost did too.

‘’Just saying though…’’ Jackson said softly, looking back at Jinyoung behind his shoulder. ‘’If you never look up you won’t see a car coming when it’s about to run you over.’’

The cold, bitter sensation slowly slipped back in Jinyoung’s stomach.

He had never really thought about who Jackson was in his obstacle course.

At the moment, he was thinking a mirror maze, like the ones from haunted houses. One that is impossible to get out of unless you come close enough.

One that keeps reflecting an image you’re trying to run from.

But why, why, God why, did it not feel like a trap ?

Why did Jinyoung feel he could walk with a blindfold on his eyes and not fall into the deep, dark void ?

Why did Jinyoung feel like he could fall asleep with the door open ?

Jackson made good on his promise, he drove Jinyoung home.

Jinyoung was actually surprised no one asked any questions when the two came back after disappearing together for fifteen minutes, or when they gestured at each other around two am and got up to leave together. He assumed Jackson had mentioned something, but still, it made Jinyoung shiver. The silence was much scarier than being assaulted with questions, somehow.

Jackson parked in his usual spot and turned off the ignition. The engine went quiet.

Jinyoung did not move. He was staring at the windscreen, completely lost in his thoughts, arms wrapped around his knees.

Jackson didn’t speak up. Only looked at him.

Jinyoung knew he should push on the door handle, wave at Jackson and get out the car. But he found he didn’t have the energy for it. He could have slept there.

‘’Should I invite you up for coffee this time ?’’ he chuckled to himself

Jackson let out a small laugh.

‘’I’m afraid if I come up, I’ll fall asleep on your couch and stay the night. And I assume you don’t want that.’’

Jinyoung hummed. Right now he was dealing with not wanting to leave this car, he would think about Jackson crashing on his couch later.

Wait.

‘’Will you be okay to drive ?’’ he suddenly remembered, straightening up and looking at Jackson

‘’Yeah, I didn’t drink.’’

‘’No I mean…’’ Jinyoung bit his lip, pointing at the time display on the GPS — _3:46 A.M_. ‘’You’re probably tired. It’s late.’’

Jackson stared at the numbers on the screen for a second, then checked his phone as if to see if the time displayed was the same. He sighed, and let his head fall back on the headrest, closing his eyes.

‘’I’m sorry if I pressed too much with my questions…’’ he said out of the blue, not answering Jinyoung’s question. ‘’I know you don’t like that.’’

Jinyoung nodded, although the other couldn’t see it.

The car fell silent.

Jinyoung pulled his knees close to his chest again, curling up in his seat.

The roof lights switched off automatically, leaving only the glow of the GPS screen.

‘’Can I make an assumption ?’’ Jackson asked, looking at Jinyoung again

There was a smile at the corner of his lips, as if he was amused with himself.

‘’Mmh.’’ Jinyoung answered

‘’Remember yesterday, you said you’ve never been proven wrong by your first impression of people.’’

Jinyoung closed his eyes and, for some reason, burst out laughing. Jackson looked at him with his big, _warm_ eyes. Why were they so warm ?

‘’My first impression of you…’’ Jinyoung recounted. ‘’Was that you were weird for getting so excited about my rehearsal schedule.’’

A huge smile broke out on Jackson’s face, showing all his teeth and making his eyes crinkle.

‘’Hey…’’ he laughed. ‘’It was a very good timetable. Very well made, good colours, easily readable. I’m not kidding, the one our manager made seriously made me tear my eyes out.’’

Jinyoung smiled.

‘’And Bambam said that’s because you couldn’t read Korean.’’

Jackson shifted, turning around to sit more comfortably —as much as possible in the driver’s seat— and facing Jinyoung.

‘’Well, he’s not entirely wrong.’’ he chuckled. ‘’I’m fine with print, but sometimes it’s hard to read people’s handwriting, when all the characters look the same.’’

Jinyoung frowned.

He remembered he had found out most of the wardrobe squad were foreigners, as was Lisa, but it had completely slipped his mind.

‘’Wait.’’ he blurted out, sitting up straight. ‘’Where are you from ?’’

‘’Hong Kong. Why ?’’

‘’How many languages do you speak ?’’

Jackson counted on his fingers.

‘’Two… Three… Four. Four.’’

Jinyoung collapsed back against the backrest.

Of course.

Of course he did.

It was starting to make sense now.

The spark in their eyes…

The warmth…

He should have guessed it.

He should have known.

‘’What was your assumption ?’’ he muttered. ‘’That I’m actually wrong about everyone ?’’

‘’No.’’ Jackson hummed. ‘’Maybe you’re right, I don’t know. I think the one you got the wrong idea about is yourself.’’

He should have known.

It made sense now.

It all made so much sense.

He was the moon.

Cold, inconstant, eerie, companion of the creatures of darkness. That reigns over the sky when there is no one awake to look at her. A lifeless rock with a dark side that no one can ever see. Bound to always helplessly orbit around others, without free motion or anyone to orbit around her. Only visible through the darkness because the sun shines their light on her.

Jackson was the sun.

He was warm, he was bright, he was a shining light that flooded any room he stepped into. He was safe, he was steady, as the sun never fails to rise every morning, even after the stormiest night. Everything and everyone orbited around him, because his pull was too strong, his warmth was too strong, his light was too strong. Unlike the moon, without the sun there can’t be life, the same way Jackson brought happiness to those around him in a way they would never forget long after they parted ways.

Jinyoung could never compete with that.

He couldn’t eclipse that.

Nothing could outshine the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second fun fact : I came up with this story before the comeback, so when they released that Dingo choreography video inside a theatre I was floored.


	3. Act III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third fun fact : I chose Shakespeare not only because of NBTM, but also because since this story is written in English I felt like the effect of the acting and the choice of words in the dialogue would be more accurate and impactful than with the translation of a play in Korean or any other language, even though it could have been more interesting from a non-technical point of view.

Jinyoung woke on Monday morning feeling his limbs heavy. He always prided himself in being someone who got up the second his alarm clock blared, without groaning, without asking for five more minutes.

But right now Jinyoung wished he could stay in bed for the rest of his life.

He felt so dull.

And so stupid.

So useless.

Everything had been a lie. All the things he was proud of himself for, his principles, his moral code… He could throw it all out of the window because it only brought him stress and misery.

He had been the architect of his own demise. The exact thing he always waited for others to do, he had done himself. No need for sleepless nights wondering what went wrong or who to blame, it was all him and his own damn pride.

But what would he do now ?

His compass had been shattered to pieces, how could he navigate the world around him ?

No.

One thing was still very much sure.

The world was still a cruel, competitive place.

But Jinyoung was not in the tier he aimed for.

He wasn’t number one or nothing. He was the furthest thing from that.

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

If only Jackson hadn’t brought it up… Jinyoung had done a good job of avoiding the subject and pushing it away from his mind, even when he was in the daily presence of all these actors.

These actors he admired.

Not because they were pillars of the country’s cultural landscape.

Because he wanted to be one of them.

But he couldn’t.

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

Jinyoung forced himself to get up, get ready and catch his bus —although on the whole way, his mind was clouded with thoughts of Jackson’s car and the way Jinyoung felt so safe inside of it.

‘’Wednesday to Friday we have a second orchestra rehearsal.’’ his manager announced when they walked down to the show hall. ‘’That means that in the next two days we have to make sure everything is ready for a full run-though.’’

He pointed at Yugyeom.

‘’Kim, you’re in charge of listing all the props we need for the rehearsal.’’

Then, he pointed at Jinyoung.

‘’Park, you’re in charge of costumes. And both of you will set up the orchestra seats tomorrow when everyone has left.’’

Jinyoung and Yugyeom grabbed the play and their notebooks, gathered together in a corner of the hall, and started comparing their notes to get a head start.

It took them about an hour to put up a first list, divided in props, costumes and logistic material such as microphones, earpieces, objects and set-pieces that needed to be brought in and out of the stage during the performance.

There were no costume indications from the previous run-through. Only the accessories mentioned in the text, that played a part in the action, but those could be counted as props.

Jinyoung looked at the director, who was giving the actors indications about a scene at the beginning of the third act.

Jinyoung bit his lip.

He had to go ask.

For fuck’s sake, it was only Monday morning, couldn’t life have given him a break on Monday morning ?

‘’Are you okay ?’’ Yugyeom asked, eyes full of concern

Jinyoung gave him a small smile, patting him on the shoulder.

‘’I’m going to talk to the director.’’

Yugyeom nodded.

Jinyoung’s heart felt tight, being next to his younger colleague like that, knowing the cruel thoughts he had had about him when the kid was looking up to him this whole time. The kid who had shared his notes with him when Jinyoung was talking about poisoning his drink. He would never forgive himself, and he was unredeemable. He was a terrible person…

Jinyoung stopped at the foot of the stage.

The muscles of his back tensed up, his stomach knotted up. He passed his tongue on his lips to make them less dry.

_What the hell am I going to say ?_

Jinyoung had never talked to the director of the play, he was a sort of unattainable figure, towering over everyone, that Jinyoung stayed far away from in reverence and apprehension. Would he yell at him ? Jinyoung was just a stage department intern after all… Maybe he could ask his manager to talk to him instead ? He was more legitimate than Jinyoung. But his manager was busy with other things, and it was a task he had given to _Jinyoung_.

He caught the eyes of Kim Jisoo on him. She was standing on the side of the stage, probably supervising the rehearsal, making sure everything fit the schedule and guidelines she was given by the actors’ agencies.

She gave him a small smile.

Jinyoung breathed in deeply.

_You can do this_.

He waited for the director to walk out of the stage to talk to the senior control room operator, Mark’s boss, and ran after him.

‘’Excuse me, Mister Director ?’’ he enquired with the steadiest voice he could summon. ‘’I need your costume indications for Wednesday’s run-though for-‘’

‘’I’m busy kid.’’

His tone was dry and final. He didn’t even turn around to look at Jinyoung.

Jinyoung stood there, helplessly. Should he insist ? Would that be rude ? Should he try again later ? Would that make him seem pushy ?

He walked away to ease the storm of questions assailing his brain.

‘’You still care that much about what people think of you ?’’

Jinyoung whipped around.

Kim Jisoo was looking at him with a playful smile at the corner of her lips.

‘’You sort of have to…’’ he admitted with a pitiful shrug. ‘’It matters when you’re trying to get a job.’’

‘’It does. And that’s why you should let it go.’’

Jinyoung stared at her in confusion. She laughed, probably at his face.

She pointed at the director, who was pestering the senior control room operator with so many instructions, that the technician’s eyes were threatening to pop out of their sockets.

‘’People will like or dislike you based on what personal baggage they carry.’’ she said. ‘’You can twist yourself until you look like a cubist painting, the only thing you’re gonna get is exhausted.’’

Jinyoung looked down. He _was_ exhausted. He had never noticed until he had closed his apartment door after Jackson had dropped him off after the party. He was drained. So drained he wanted to cry right here and now. Had he always been like that ?

Jisoo seemed to notice the anguish in his eyes, because she reached her arm out to rub Jinyoung’s shoulder. She flashed him a reassuring smile, and Jinyoung wondered why he had been so terrified of her.

‘’If they don’t like you, it’s their loss, there’s something better for you down the road, okay ?’’

Jinyoung pouted, pointing at the director.

‘’What if it’s for something I need right now, though ?’’

Jisoo laughed.

‘’Would you rather have him throw a tantrum at you but do your job by your deadline or get scolded by your manager, the person who is actually in charge of assessing your internship ?’’

Well. That was a surprisingly easy choice.

‘’He’s just a man.’’ she added, pointing at the director. ‘’All that aura and grandeur is pretty much just ego.’’

Jinyoung smiled.

He took a big breath, turned around and walked back towards the director. At the same time, the latter also turned around, after finishing his rant to the control room operator. Jinyoung had to bite back the knot in his throat that appeared when he realised he was face to face with a _National Theatre of Korea_ director, and forced himself to look at him in the eyes.

‘’I’m really sorry to disturb you, Sir.’’ he said as calmly as he could although his brain was screeching like a hysterical bat. ‘’But I really need to know what costumes you need for Wednesday’s rehearsal.’’

‘’Right now is not the moment, kid.’’

The director tried to bypass him, but Jinyoung was quick to follow.

‘’Again, I’m very sorry, Sir, but I need to tell the costume department what they have to prepare, and they have less than two days so I need the indications right now, Sir.’’

How Jinyoung managed to not turn into a puddle of sweat and tears, being stared down by the director, he couldn’t tell.

‘’Just give me a minute.’’ the director grumbled, walking to the seat where he had left his own pen and notebook

Jinyoung let out the breath he was holding.

From the stage, Kim Jisoo sent him a victorious thumbs up and Jinyoung grinned from ear to ear.

He had done it.

_He had done it_!

He didn’t have time to celebrate his small victory, however.

After getting a full sheet with the costume instructions, and making sure the director explained precisely every item and all the logistics he had in mind, he bolted towards the backstage area.

He remembered to time himself.

Twenty seconds.

Not bad, but not good enough yet.

Jinyoung reached the costume making hall and was suddenly struck by a question he should have been asking himself much earlier : should he talk to the wardrobe department senior manager or the costume department’s ? Or both ? What if he asked the wrong person and got rebuffed ?

‘’Not looking for me, I take it ?’’

Jinyoung breathed in relief, although he got startled by the voice right behind him.

‘’No, I’m awfully sorry.’’ he told Jackson. ‘’Where’s your manager ?’’

As it turned out, he was right, he had to talk to both senior managers. The costume department was in charge of providing the required items by the rehearsal date and the wardrobe department was supposed to handle the logistics, and supervise the use of the costumes during the rehearsal.

While the two heads of the departments analysed the director’s list, Jinyoung felt the weight of Jackson’s arm on his shoulder, and found himself leaning back into it. He shouldn’t be surprised anymore, after all if Jackson was the sun, it was natural for him to pull everything into his orbit.

This time, Jinyoung also joined everyone for lunch —which, yes, made Yugyeom jump to the roof when Jinyoung told him, seriously how had he never noticed ?

He stayed quiet and didn’t participate in the conversations, of course, and he was still dreading to look at Jennie and Bambam in the eyes, but at least he was grateful that Jackson sandwiched him between him and Yugyeom, leaving canary guy on the other side.

Maybe, _just maybe_ , things could turn right again.

The next day, Jinyoung was called to the costume department again, to help move the costumes into the wardrobe area behind the stage curtain, next to the makeup table. He had to be quick, because he was supposed to set up the orchestra seats before the end of the day, but his manager had assigned him to the wardrobe logistics for the run-though —on top of having to run around for pretty much anything he was asked to run around for— so he needed to know where everything was and what he was working with.

He was going to see the wardrobe squad quite a bit on Wednesday…

At one point, while he was counting the hanging rails they needed, Jackson placed a hat on his head.

‘’It looks good on you.’’ he said simply

Jinyoung groaned, taking the hat off.

He froze.

It was the hat from a period costume. It was the lead actor’s hat in the first scene of the second act.

He stared at Jackson, who flashed an innocent smile.

‘’What ?’’ he said

‘’Stop that.’’

‘’I’m not doing anything. I just said the hat looks good on you.’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and put the hat on the table next to the hanging rails.

‘’You know what I mean.’’

Jackson shrugged.

Jinyoung watched him as he set the costumes they’d need the next day on the hanging rail. Despite figuring some things out about the wardrobe intern, he remained an enigma in parts. Jinyoung couldn’t fathom for the life of him what Jackson wanted.

He turned around and walked to the stage curtain. He barely peeked, checking if the rehearsal was still ongoing or if he had to get the chairs already.

The actors were in the middle of a dramatic scene. The lead actress was hanging from the lead actor’s arm, yelling and pleading. Their modern clothes and the fact that the director was pretty much standing in between them made the image a bit strange, but Jinyoung still felt a familiar iciness settle in his throat.

‘’What’s with the face ?’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and looked back at Jackson, who had left the costumes and was staring at Jinyoung with the shadow of a knowing smirk on his lips.

‘’There’s no face.’’ he replied, peeking again at the rehearsal

‘’You’re not at all looking at the actors from behind a curtain.’’

‘’I have to be ready to get the chairs for the orchestra.’’

‘’Sure.’’

Jinyoung scoffed. He closed the curtains and faced Jackson, crossing his arms on his chest.

‘’What are trying to do ?’’ he inquired, narrowing his eyes to look his fellow intern up and down

Jackson put his arm on top of the hanging rail, leaning in nonchalantly. His big eyes were darted straight onto Jinyoung’s own, and the latter could feel every bone in his spine turn to stone. What was it with those eyes ?

‘’I don’t know.’’ Jackson said simply. ‘’Just trying to understand why you’re so hellbent on making everyone believe being a stage manager is really what you want.’’

Jinyoung froze.

He breathed in. Slowly. Through his nose.

‘’It is what I want.’’

Jackson didn’t reply. He kept looking at Jinyoung as if he could uncover the hidden writings on the walls of his heart with mere eye contact. Tough luck.

Jinyoung took advantage of his silence and cut to the chase.

‘’To be honest, I don’t understand why you’re trying to make _me_ believe that it’s not what I really want.’’

Jackson laughed.

One short, dry laugh.

‘’You’re gonna tell me I don’t know you so I have no say in the matter, right ?’’

Well.

Just because he had mentioned it, Jinyoung wouldn’t say it now.

‘’I just think it’s sad…’’ Jackson sighed. ‘’It’s sad that you have a dream but you’re giving up on it without even giving it a chance first.’’

Jinyoung’s spine was so tense now that it could probably snap with a simple touch.

The bitter sensation was back, pooling low in his abdomen and eating away at Jinyoung’s stomach.

Really, he should get that checked out.

‘’You said it yourself.’’ Jinyoung said cooly. ‘’It’s a dream. Dreams are fantasies. They’re not meant to be taken seriously.’’

Jinyoung heard the screaming from the actors subsided, and the director’s voice rise up, muffled by the thick curtain. The rehearsal was finished.

But Jackson didn’t move. And neither did Jinyoung.

Jackson pushed himself off the hanging rail and took a few steps further towards Jinyoung, still holding his gaze unwaveringly. His smile was gone now, though. He looked dead serious, and Jinyoung found it sent cold shivers up his arms.

‘’Why not ?’’

‘’Because I’ll crash and burn.’’

Jackson stopped a few feet away from Jinyoung, almost as if he was keeping a safe distance. The coffee machine table wasn’t far away from them, and Jinyoung knew they both remembered very vividly the way their last conversation here ended.

‘’Maybe.’’ Jackson said —since when could he look this serious ? Jinyoung wasn’t used to this Jackson, he wanted the perpetual energy machine back, or even the small and vulnerable Jackson, this one was too unsettling for his taste. ‘’Or maybe you’ll end up with your name first billed on posters all across the world. How can you know for sure ?’’

Jinyoung shivered.

_Don’t._

Nope, nope, nope, he wasn’t allowed to conjure up that image, his face, his name, on a billboard, nope, nope, nope.

He breathed in slowly. He had had that conversation before, with himself, his arguments were readier than a PowerPoint presentation.

‘’People usually don’t make it in this industry unless they’re in their late thirties or forties.’’ he explained. ‘’So yeah, I’m gonna crash and burn, not even dead on arrival, dead at departure.’’

‘’If you take that as word of gospel you’ll never find out if it’s the actual truth.’’

‘’Please stop trying to get my hopes up. If I’m gonna crash and burn, I’d rather do it from a height I can recover from.’’

Jackson took one more step forward.

Jinyoung tried to take one back but his back hit the curtain and he almost tripped in the thick fabric.

The actors, followed by Kim Jisoo, the director and the stage managers, started pouring in backstage, walking towards the changing rooms area.

‘’Park. The chairs.’’ Jinyoung’s manager reminded him when he passed by him and Jackson

‘’Yes. Right on it.’’

Jinyoung looked into Jackson’s eyes again, For all the assurance in his tone, the finality of his words, his fellow intern still had that odd _warmth_ in his gaze. A warmth that couldn’t be just the sun…

‘’You know some people crash from a shoe box and stay on the floor for years.’’ Jackson said, keeping his voice low and not looking away from Jinyoung’s soul. ‘’Others crash from a skyscraper and recover just fine. Don’t blame me, I’m not trying to give you any illusions.’’

A knot tightened in Jinyoung’s throat, and he knew he couldn’t trust his voice from now on.

‘’Then why do you talk about billboards when you don’t even know if I’m at least a little bit good ?’’ he replied, his words shaky

Jackson remained silent for a second.

Then, he nodded.

And stepped backwards.

As the distance grew between them, Jinyoung felt the bitter sensation spread through his body and eat at his lungs.

‘’Okay.’’ Jackson said. ‘’I’ll stop. If you don’t believe you can do it, you’ve already set yourself up for failure.’’

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

Jinyoung bit his tongue.

His eyes were burning.

Don’t.

Don’t.

_Don’t_.

Jackson must have noticed a shift in Jinyoung’s gaze, because he raised his eyebrows.

‘’What ? If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach.’’

And then he turned back to his costumes and his hanging rail.

Jinyoung stormed out through the curtain.

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

Shit.

_If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach._

Shit.

What cruel spirit had decided to introduce Jackson Wang in his life ? Did Jackson walk around trying to knock down everyone’s carefully built temples of certitudes ? Did he find it funny ? Because Jinyoung sure didn’t.

There was a storm. A storm inside his head.

One voice, quiet, insidious, so close he could feel it breathe down his neck, whispered sweetly.

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

While another, loud, almighty, all-consuming, far away but reaching Jinyoung clearer than his own voice, and warm, screamed.

_If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach._

What was wrong with him ?

He used to know the answers to the questions that settled in his mind. They never kept him up at night. But now ? What happened ? Was there a breech in the wall that let the water in? How did that breech even get there ?

Who the hell was Jackson Wang and why the hell did he have so much power over his certitudes and his doubts ?

Was he the one who had taken an axe to his wall and cracked it ?

Jinyoung should never have apologised to him.

Or no wait, scratch that. He should have apologised and walked away. He should never have accepted that ride. He should never have looked into those big warm eyes.

Because now he was doubting.

And it made him want to scream his lungs out.

_If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach._

Jinyoung hated losing.

After setting up the chairs with Yugyeom, Jinyoung ran straight for his bus stop, praying that a mantra of how much he hated rush hour would overpower the screams drilling his brain.

But he hadn’t reached the stop yet, when he heard someone run after him.

He knew who it was before he even turned around.

‘’I’m so sorry !’’ Jackson pleaded, stopping right in front of him, breathless. ‘’I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed so much, it’s not my place to say stuff like that to you just because I would do things a different way.’’

For some reason, Jinyoung’s shoulders relaxed. He reached to give a small tap on Jackson’s shoulder and gave him a tight smile.

‘’It’s okay. You’re not entirely wrong.’’

Jackson shook his head.

‘’Still, it’s not my place. You’re allowed to do whatever you want to do, I’m sorry.’’

Jackson’s eyes were full of that same sincere spark he remembered from the week before, when he had desperately been trying to search for a warning sign. That sincerity that made Jinyoung’s heart tighten in his chest.

‘’Let me drive you home.’’ Jackson exclaimed. ‘’Please, to make it up to you.

_No. Say no._

‘’I can’t let you double your gas bills, Jackson.’’

‘’I don’t mind.’’

‘’You should.’’

‘’Or at least let me buy something, to drink, to eat ?’’

Jinyoung smiled a bit.

‘’Jackson. You don’t have to make it up to me. I’m not mad. You’re forgiven.’’

Jackson’s face lit up, and so did Jinyoung’s heart.

‘’Really ? You’re not saying that to get rid of me, right ?’’

Jinyoung laughed.

Laughed so suddenly he bent over and dropped his forehead on Jackson’s shoulder for a second.

When he straightened up again, Jackson’s eyes were properly _shining_ , following his movement exactly.

‘’Even if I wanted to get rid of you, I have a feeling I couldn’t.’’ Jinyoung said, catching his breath

Jackson’s gaze dulled. He looked down at his shoes.

‘’You could…’’ he muttered. ‘’If you don’t want me around, just tell me, I don’t wanna burden you, I’ll leave you alone…’’

Without thinking, and for a reason he couldn’t explain, Jinyoung grabbed Jackson’s wrist, causing the other intern’s head to snap up towards him.

Behind Jackson, Jinyoung saw his bus pull over.

He took a deep breath.

Then looked into Jackson’s big, wide eyes.

‘’I don’t want to get rid of you.’’ he stated. ‘’Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay ? The argument, acting, apologies, let’s leave that behind us, okay ? Let’s start over.’’

Jackson smiled softly, then nodded.

Jinyoung looked behind his shoulder with an exaggerated motion and feigned a disappointed pout when he turned back towards Jackson.

‘’Oh would you look at that. I missed my bus.’’

Jackson burst out laughing.

His full, booming laugh.

Jinyoung’s heart felt so light, all of sudden, for whatever reason.

Jackson grabbed his hand and pulled him along.

Okay, maybe the little voice in his head was screaming he should have hopped on the bus, but Jinyoung shoved it away. At least the storm in his head had subsided.

The next day, Jinyoung came in a bit early.

It was the first day of run-throughs with the orchestra. The thought of it gave him chills. The greatest musicians in the country and the greatest actors in the same room. And he got to see it without paying for a ticket. Maybe he had been wrong about the next five months being hell. If he had to be unemployed and miserable after the end of his internship, then he would have to make the most of the time he had left.

He set up the coffee machine full speed, accepting Lisa’s help with silent gratitude. There would be so many people, he had to prepare more than twice the amount of cups and filled coffee pots.

Once he was done, he went back to the stage area to bring his manager’s coffee.

That’s when he realised the musicians had started coming in. Or more precisely, the assistants.

Or, even more precisely, Roseanne Park was there, carrying three violin cases and two music stands.

Jinyoung saw Yugyeom, who was with Mark and Jaebom to sort out the number of standing microphones, dash towards her to help her carry some stuff.

Jinyoung smirked, and watched the scene from afar.

His younger colleague had the sweetest smile on his face, and was probably making small talk, and by the way Roseanne was laughing, with crinkled eyes and everything, she didn’t seem too discontent with the fact that he had come to greet her.

As soon as Yugyeom left her, not before helping her set up everything and exchanging a few other jokes, Jinyoung decided to allow himself a tiny little breech in professionalism —after all, it wasn’t nine o’clock yet.

‘’So… Our very own Kim Yugyeom.’’ Jinyoung teased, handing Roseanne the coffee cup that was originally meant for his manager

Roseanne turned around, her face lit up when she saw the coffee.

‘’Thank you !’’ she chirped, smelling it and humming it as if it was some _grand cru_. ‘’What about Gyeomie ?’’

Jinyoung glanced to the top of the hall, where Yugyeom was too busy unwinding the microphone wires, pouting like a child who’s been given a very difficult puzzle, to pay attention to Jinyoung’s meddling.

‘’Nothing…’’ he shrugged, still smiling lightly. ‘’You two seem to get along quite well.’’

Roseanne grinned.

_Bingo…_

‘’He’s funny…’’ she said softly. ‘’And he’s so sweet, I get stressed and nervous about so many things but I feel like he really knows how to bring people back down. He’s a really… positive person, don’t you think ?’’

_Are you always so negative about everything ?_

Jinyoung froze.

He could still hear those words so clearly from a few days before, still see the faint profile of Jackson’s face in the dark after he had insulted him a second time in two days.

_He’s a really positive person, don’t you think ?_

Yes.

Yes he was.

Why did Yugyeom look up to him ? Jackson had to have been mistaken… How could he ever look up to someone who had the exact opposite personality people admired him for ? Yugyeom should look up to Jackson, that would make more sense…

‘’Are you nervous about the performance ?’’ Jinyoung asked, trying to push away the spiral of thoughts that was about to drag him down

Roseanne sipped on her coffee, her gaze turning duller.

‘’I shouldn’t be right ?’’ she muttered into the cup. ‘’I just have to tune violins and turn pages. The only semi-stressful thing is making sure you put the right violin on the right seat, otherwise _some people_ get mad if you confuse their plain black case with someone else’s plain back case.’’

Jinyoung laughed. Roseanne smiled a bit.

‘’I guess…’’ she sighed, turning towards the stage. ‘’I can’t help but think… But imagine myself there, you know ?’’

Jinyoung smile dropped in a second. He followed her gaze, feeling the familiar iciness creep down his throat.

The stage.

_No_.

‘’In the pit.’’ she carried on. ‘’In a seat, playing, being _part_ of the orchestra. I can’t help it…’’

Jinyoung swallowed dryly.

And there it was.

Another pitfall in his obstacle course.

Roseanne Park, the bridge over an alligator river you should have crossed more carefully, or else you would have seen how flaky the wood under your feet truly was.

‘’So that’s your dream ?’’ he said, voice low. ‘’Playing first string in the National Orchestra ?’’

Rosie beamed at him.

‘’One of many.’’ she laughed but her face turned back to sour in an instant. ‘’You know… No one in my family’s a musician, no one’s an artist, even just getting here, to my school, to this place, I just… I have to make it work, you know, after everything, I just _have to_.’’

Jinyoung looked at her. He had thought she seemed quite sweet before, but never really dissociated her from his jokes about Yugyeom’s terribly obvious flirting. Now, he could feel a little pinch in his heart.

‘’You’re here though.’’ he said softly. ‘’Doesn’t it mean it’s working ?’’

‘’I hope so… I think I’m also finally getting somewhere with my band, so fingers crossed…’’

If Jinyoung had been drinking coffee right now he would have spurted all of it on the expensive grand piano next to him.

‘’You’re in a band ?’’ he shrieked. ‘’You go to music school, you’re an assistant in the National Orchestra, _and_ you’re in a band ?’’

Sometimes, Jinyoung wished he could verbally express Yugyeom’s overuse of ‘’?????’’ and ‘’!!!!!’’ in texts.

‘’Yeah.’’ Roseanne smiled, as if it wasn’t as big of a deal as it seemed to Jinyoung. ‘’If you’re everywhere at once, doesn’t it help your chances of getting somewhere with one of them ?’’

Jinyoung bit his lip.

_No._

_Jinyoung, forget it._

‘’So the dream is to be first string in the National Orchestra and-or in a successful band ?’’

‘’I don’t play violin for the band, I play guitar. And piano, but not for the band, for myself, for my own things. I sing too. I’m also trying to write music, ‘cause doing covers is getting a bit boring, but I’m not super satisfied with what I have so far. But J.B. said he’d help me.’’

Cue Jinyoung’s second abstract coffee spurting on the piano.

‘’Jaebom ?’’ he exclaimed, glancing at the guy in question, who was showing Yugyeom how to tape the wire to the stairs

‘’Yeah. He works part time at a recording studio, I showed him some of my stuff and he said he could help me out. Again, fingers crossed.’’

_Damn, why don’t I have a Jaebom in my field…_

Jinyoung almost slapped himself, but Rosie would have looked at him weird.

At least now he knew why Jaebom was rarely free on the weekends when Yugyeom suggested hangouts.

And now he also knew why he should never strike up a casual conversation with anyone, even if it’s to annoy your colleague. Because the cold, harsh truth always found its way back to him, disguised through harmless small talk and sharing of feelings.

Goddamnit.

_If you’re everywhere at once, doesn’t it help your chances of getting somewhere with one of them ?_

Jinyoung… _Don’t_.

Thankfully, the musicians started pouring in, and the orchestra conductor, and Jinyoung had to go get another coffee for his manager.

‘’Looks like someone found his footing finally.’’

Jinyoung turned around. Mark was coming towards him, carrying various pieces of gear Jinyoung guessed had to do with wearable microphone set ups.

Indeed, since Jinyoung was responsible for everything that had to do with costumes, he was overseeing the last touching up of wardrobe, which included setting the mics on the actors. He stood a bit further away, letting the people from wardrobe do their job.

Jackson, Jennie and Bambam were fascinating to watch. He had to admit that maybe, just maybe, he had underestimated them when he was looking for his arch-nemesis.

They were quick, efficient, and they seemed to understand everything without needing to put it into words. Some gestures Jinyoung couldn’t interpret, and suddenly they were passing around tools he couldn’t name.

Jackson especially. Jinyoung had apologised too many times already so he wouldn’t do it this time, but still. He had only seen him carrying boxes, rolls of fabric, moving hanging rails, he had managed to forget he worked in the _wardrobe_ department. The sight of the man, in his signature black tank top-basketball shorts outfit, carefully sewing pieces of costumes that had to be adjusted would probably never leave Jinyoung’s mind. That concentrated face was also new to him, and he had to add it to Jackson’s many faces.

‘’I don’t know if I found my footing…’’ he sighed. ‘’I’m just doing what I’m told to.’’

Mark seemed to follow Jinyoung’s gaze, then gave him a cryptic smile.

‘’I apologised.’’ Jinyoung blurted out, knowing what his senior was thinking

‘’That’s great.’’

Jinyoung did not like that tone. Not that there was any hostility, or any mockery. No, it sounded too neutral to truly be. He had to be thinking something he was not saying…

‘’I don’t feel better though.’’ he confessed without knowing why. ‘’I feel a hundred times worse.’’

Mark stared at him. His face was unreadable, eyes narrow as if he was scanning him up and down.

‘’Why ?’’

Jinyoung hadn’t considered Mark in his obstacle course.

He should have.

The older was somehow always there, always appearing behind Jinyoung and leaving him with more questions than answers. He always seemed to plant ideas that bloomed in Jinyoung’s mind and never left him. He was sending him on adventures too far out of his comfort zone and leaving him stranded in his own anguish.

He was like one of those riddling bridge keepers in old stories. As distressing as the Sphinx, and just as unforgiving as the Monty Python Bridge of Death.

Jinyoung stared at Jackson, who was so focused on his work, and making this incredibly revered actress laugh until tears rolled down her face.

It had been less than a week since Jackson had stormed his life upside-down. Jinyoung laid awake every night before falling asleep, wishing he could go back, wishing he could get rid of all the doubts, of all the voices, of all the thoughts. His old life of a week ago was much easier. Yes, he had been a terrible person and completely blinded by his own self-importance to realise he was not as good as he paraded around thinking he was. And yes, he hadn’t felt that _warmth_ and that feeling of security from Jackson’s car, and yes he had been smiling much more in one week than he had in three months, and yes. Yes. He had felt a lot more excited to get to work despite the thoughts and the realisations. But it was easier before.

‘’Because he’s scary.’’ Jinyoung whispered, as if he was too afraid to say the words out loud

Jackson chose that moment to look up to check his work. He ended up turning around the actress and meeting Jinyoung’s eyes.

Jinyoung’s heart clenched.

Jackson sent him a little wave and an excited smile, then went back to work.

Jinyoung felt like he had been punched in the stomach.

‘’He scares me.’’

Mark didn’t say anything for a moment.

Then, he scoffed, and nudged Jinyoung in the ribs.

‘’Then imagined how scared he must be of you.’’

And then he left to set up the microphones on the actors’ costumes.

What ?

Jackson ?

Jackson _Wang_ ?

Scared of Jinyoung ?

That was not possible.

Jackson was not a sun that could be eclipsed by any moon.

Jinyoung pushed away the ridiculous thoughts and carried on with the rehearsals.

He should have known it would come back to bite him.

‘’Jinyoung !’’

Jinyoung got up, unplugging the coffee machine once all the actors had left their changing rooms. Jackson was running towards him, and it made him smile a little bit. They had seen each other all day, even though they were always too far or too busy to talk, despite Jackson going out of his way to give Jinyoung little signs to make him smile when the rush was pretty intense. But seeing that the other was still so excited to see him at six p.m. was making his heart jump in his throat.

He couldn’t believe that was for free, that it didn’t come with a catch…

‘’I need your help, please, will you help me ?’’ Jackson pleaded, taking Jinyoung’s hand and swinging it around

Jinyoung scoffed, but it carried no malice.

‘’I have to get my stuff before my manager closes the office.’’ he said

‘’Then go get it and meet me in the costume department’s storage room, okay ?’’

Jinyoung could have said no.

He really could have.

His brain was screaming at him to say no.

But he’d rather put his hand under a slicing machine than seeing Jackson’s wounded eyes again.

So he did.

He grabbed his bag, bid Yugyeom and his manager goodbye, and went straight back to the backstage area in plain sight. No, he did not miss his manager’s frown or Mark’s questioning eyes. But he would have probably gone insane if he had to explain himself, so he just pushed the thoughts away and marched on to the costume department.

Bambam and Jennie greeted him without hostility but not particularly warmly either.

Jackson had to have talked to them.

Jinyoung pushed the heavy door of the storage room, gaping at the amount of warning stickers stuck on it.

He froze.

Jackson was there, holding a massive object that suspiciously looked like…

A costume.

‘’Jackson.’’ Jinyoung warned

Jackson turned around, his eyes wide and innocent.

‘’What ?’’ he said

He followed Jinyoung’s eyes and his face seemed to light up in realisation. He frantically waved his hand in front of him, trying to carry the massive piece of fabric in one hand.

‘’It’s really just a favor !’’ he assured him. ‘’I’m not playing tricks, I swear. They’re costumes from fifteen years ago when they ran _Turandot_ for the eightieth anniversary. We’re sending them to a museum but we have to fix them up a bit. I tried to do it with Bambam but it was too big on him so I couldn’t stretch the fabric enough, but you look like it could fit you. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’’

_Breathe_.

He was just doing Jackson a favor, just a little payback for all the free rides and for forgiving him. Jackson kept saying there was no debt, but still.

He nodded.

Jackson’s blinding grin should have made him regret everything on the spot.

The costume was the most stunning thing Jinyoung had seen in his life.

It was made up of so many pieces and layers that Jinyoung just stood there and let Jackson put everything on him, moving his limbs like a mannequin. Jackson explained that the full costume took about half an hour to be put on. He only put on some of the layers.

It was magnificent.

The details were so precise, and the fabric so well cut. The colours were absolutely jaw-dropping. It was art. Jinyoung felt like royalty.

‘’Am I really wearing something that belongs in a museum ?’’ he asked while Jackson picked his sewing tools

He was glad there was no mirror in the room. Yes, he was dying to see himself in this absolute masterpiece of costume design, but he didn’t want to imagine the storm of thoughts and voices that would erupt in his mind.

Jackson knelt down and started working at a torn seam above Jinyoung’s hip.

‘’Yes.’’ he answered. ‘’It was custom made for Alfred Kim, based on the designs of the 1926 original production.’’

Jinyoung had to force himself not to choke.

‘’Are you a fashion nerd or an opera nerd ?’’ he joked, diverting his own attention from the fact that he was wearing the same costume as such a revered artist holy cow

‘’Can’t I be both ?’’ Jackson smirked

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

‘’Really ? You like opera ?’’

‘’If you like costumes, you must _love_ opera.’’

Jinyoung thought about it for a second.

He looked down at the fabric, and the details, and the seam Jackson was so carefully tying back together. He had never wondered what Jackson was doing there, just cursed the fact that their worlds had crashed together.

Jinyoung understood.

There was magic in those costumes, all the ones surrounding them, the ones they had used today, the one he was wearing, the ones that were preciously wrapped and stored in the room with them…

And that magic must have seduced Jackson.

Just like another type of magic had seduced _him_. One he wanted to forget.

‘’What’s your dream ?’’ he blurted out

Jackson looked up for a second, and their eyes met. Jinyoung’s chest felt tight.

‘’What do you mean my dream ?’’ Jackson said calmly

‘’Is it this ? Fixing costumes at the National Theatre, helping actors put on their clothes before going on stage ?’’

Jackson’s smile softened. He wasn’t looking at Jinyoung but the latter could still feel the _warmth_ from his eyes.

‘’You know what the original dream was ? I wanted to be the head costume designer for the Guangzhou Opera House. That was when I was seven, my parents took us to a show for their wedding anniversary. I fell in love with all of it.’’

‘’Seven years old ?’’ Jinyoung repeated, almost spitting out the words

‘’Yeah. I made my parents buy me a book about it, and that’s how I found out about the Palais Garnier, the Bolshoï, the Scala, the Amazonas, Sidney… And I just thought… _It can’t be just one place, how could I ever choose ? I want to work in all of them_ , you know ? So I decided I would let life lead me where it thought I had things to learn. That’s how I ended up here.’’

Jinyoung didn’t know what to say. He was absorbing this information but he couldn’t find any comment to make. Did it make sense ? A bit ? Not really ? Did he understand ?

‘’Actually…’’ Jackson kept going, with a small laugh. ‘’You might say I’m too hungry, but I wouldn’t mind being more like an artistic director, you know ? Or down the line, even a director maybe ? Working here, I get to talk to the set designing team a lot, and it’s so fascinating, the way everything works together. You know, the costumes, the sets, the lights, the colour palettes, everything. I love costumes above everything, but I really like the idea of putting on an entire production’s _look_ , with so many visual elements.’’

Jinyoung nodded numbly.

His throat felt icy.

The uncomfortable, sour feeling was back in his stomach.

Yeah.

Mark was dead wrong.

There was no way someone like Jackson could be scared of someone like him.

They were on much different levels.

Jinyoung’s eyes were burning.

He wanted his old life back so bad…

The life where he never realised he had been in someone else’s shadow this whole time.

It hurts.

It fucking hurts.

_If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach._

Fucking hell.

_Don’t cry._

‘’Hey…’’ Jackson’s voice grabbed and dragged him back down from his black cloud. ‘’You’ve gone silent.’’

Jinyoung swallowed thickly and put on his best face.

‘’I’m fine, just thinking about what you said.’’

‘’What’s your dream, then ?’’

Jinyoung froze.

Their eyes met.

Jinyoung thought Jackson would melt in a string of apologies, but he kept looking straight at him, with no defiance and no mockery. Just sheer curiosity.

‘’Jackson…’’ he whispered

‘’Jinyoung…’’

The words felt stuck in his throat.

Jackson put down his needle and got back up to Jinyoung’s eye level.

‘’You gave up on your dream and didn’t find another ?’’ Jackson guessed, but his face was soft, there was no accusation in his tone

Jinyoung’s vision was half blurry now.

_No, no, no, no, Jinyoung, don’t…._

He bit his lip so hard he felt the sting shoot straight through his already teary eyes.

He wanted to say something, like ‘’no of course I found another !’’ or something, just something to throw Jackson off his trail, but he knew that if he opened his mouth, the only thing that would come out would be a sob.

A loud, shaky sob.

So, he nodded.

Slowly.

A nod that felt like dropping his head low.

Jackson’s eyes filled with something Jinyoung could not name, something he had only seen in movies, when a character’s heart breaks.

In a second, Jackson reached his hands out towards Jinyoung’s face and held it, like you’d hold a child to cradle. At the base of his cheeks, pushing some of his hair back, soft, as if he didn’t want to scare him away.

Jinyoung gulped to try to swallow back the tears, but there were still there, burning and threatening to fall onto his cheeks and Jackson’s fingers.

‘’Why ?’’ Jackson whispered, and Jinyoung let himself look into those big, big eyes

‘’Why ?’’ he scoffed, whispering too to keep himself from breaking. ‘’You said it yourself. Because I belong in the losers’ basket, because I don’t have the shoulders for it. Because it’ll make me miserable.’’

Jackson stroked Jinyoung’s cheek with his thumb, and Jinyoung almost broke down.

_Don’t_.

‘’I didn’t say you belonged in the losers’ basket. I just said if you give up before you try, you can’t expect to succeed miraculously.’’

Jinyoung tried to look away. Towards the costumes, towards the ceiling, towards Jackson’s belt with all the needles, anywhere but Jackson’s eyes. Oh interesting, the shelves were actually grey under the dark blue coat of paint, you could see it in some spots !

‘’Jinyoung ?’’

‘’Yes ?’’

Jinyoung kept looking around. His eyes were drying out, but he knew better than to cry out in victory, one perfectly chosen word and the dam would break.

‘’Will you do me another favour ?’’

Jinyoung put on his best smile and looked back at Jackson, ignoring how dead serious his face still was.

‘’Of course. What ?’’

‘’Look at yourself in the mirror.’’ Jackson said, tone final. ‘’Seriously, I don’t know what you see there but I can tell you no one else sees it. Why do you think Gyeomie looks up to you so much ?’’

_Excellent question, thank you Jackson._

‘’Because he looks up to literally everyone ?’’ Jinyoung argued. ‘’Or maybe because he thinks I’m cool and mysterious with my resting bitch face ?’’

Jackson rolled his eyes and pulled Jinyoung’s head forward so he could be looking _straight_ into his eyes.

Holy shit.

Into his _soul_.

‘’Or maybe because you’re genuinely worth looking up to. I’m pretty sure there’s a guy in accounting who’s in love with you. The girl who fills up the vending machines on Mondays too.’’

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

‘’Canary guy ?’’

Jackson’s looked at him as if he had just eaten a whole large size wax candle.

‘’I’m positive his name is Lijun.’’

‘’Of course you would know that.’’

‘’He’s in a group chat with us. Stop avoiding the question.’’

‘’I heard absolutely no question.’’

And at that, Jackson burst out laughing.

He let go of Jinyoung’s face, bending over and almost falling to his knees. Jinyoung raised his eyebrows, completely failing to see why Jackson was pretty much rolling on the floor with laughter.

Jackson finally calmed down, got back up and held out his hand, smiling warmly.

‘’Okay. Let’s get you home.’’

‘’Are you done with this ?’’

‘’We have three days of rehearsals. You’ll just have to come back.’’

Jinyoung squinted, eyeing Jackson up and down.

‘’You’re trying to get me in a trap, aren’t you ?’’

Jackson tapped Jinyoung’s chin with his held out hand.

‘’Is it working ?’’ he teased

Jinyoung bit his lip.

Goddamnit.

‘’On one condition.’’ he said, taking Jackson’s hand. ‘’You’re showing me where you live.’’

‘’Yessir.’’

So they went to the car. The car Jinyoung was a tiny bit _too_ happy to get inside of.

Jackson did not put any address in the GPS, so Jinyoung spent the whole ride looking outside, trying to guess where they were going. When they crossed Donghodaegyo, Jinyoung started feeling an uneasy feeling settle in his stomach.

When Jackson finally pulled over after what felt like an endless ride, Jinyoung looked at the map on the display. His eyes widened so quickly he felt a sting in his lid muscles.

‘’Are you fucking for real ?’’ he yelled, looking through the windscreen at the buildings and then back to the display that clearly spelled Seongnam

‘’What ?’’ Jackson said, eyes wide and confused

‘’Jackson. You live on the other side of town. You’ve been driving me home for almost a week now. How much are you spending in gas ? How late are you getting home ? I bet you’d pick me up in the morning if I let you, what the hell ?’’

‘’Do you want me to ?’’

Jackson’s tone was probably meant to be light, but the edge in it was far too noticeable for Jinyoung to be fooled. He was shrinking in the driver’s seat, and looking at the buildings in front of them rather than at Jinyoung.

‘’No.’’ Jinyoung kept shrieking. ‘’No, Jackson. Why ? You can’t tell me it’s because you want to be nice, I’m not about to faint anymore, so why ?’’

Jackson looked at him finally, giving him a faint smile.

‘’Because I want to ?’’

‘’It’s not enough.’’

‘’Why ? Because you don’t believe I would genuinely just want to spend time with you ?’’

Jinyoung’s mouth closed with a clack of his teeth.

Why was he making this about him now ?

Was it really normal for some people to go to the lengths Jackson went to for him, _just ‘cause_ ?

Jackson sighed, pulling Jinyoung out of his thought spiral, and let himself drop against the backrest of the driver’s seat. He pointed at an apartment tower a few feet away from them, a block of grey concrete with grey windows.

‘’I live alone.’’ he muttered. ‘’In a city that’s far away from my hometown. My parents are only a call away, but I can’t ask them to stay on the phone for hours to fill the silence. And I have friends, sure, but I also can’t ask them to take time off from their time of rest for me. When I drive you home, it’s one hour when I’m not lonely. I like being here with you. Even when you don’t say anything. It gives me a break from the…’’

He gestured around his head.

‘’…noise… you know. Am I being selfish ?’’

Jinyoung was speechless.

Was he selfish ? Jinyoung was the one using his gas, using his time, just to avoid getting in a crowded bus, and just to feel that odd warmth for an hour.

‘’I feel better when I’m with you, that’s why, I guess.’’

Jinyoung’s heart shattered in a thousand pieces.

With a loud, sharp noise only he heard but that rang through his ears and drilled through his skull.

He wanted to ask why, _why_ , why the hell would he feel better with him, _him_ , Park Jinyoung who is so deeply and unmistakably unlikable ?

But he didn’t.

He didn’t ask.

He was always asking why.

_One day you’ll believe me when I say some things don’t come with a price._

Should he not ask ? Should he just take those words and run along without asking questions ?

He was Jackson Wang, who held out a helping hand even when Jinyoung spat on it, who gave him compliments even though Jinyoung hadn’t proved himself deserving of any, who was handing his heart out for him to break again despite saying he was treading carefully now, why was he even giving him the time of day ?

Jinyoung was never going to find his way out of the mirror maze.

‘’Do you believe me ?’’ Jackson asked softly, his big _warm_ eyes looking into Jinyoung’s, so clear and so sincere

And so Jinyoung nodded.

Something snapped, the knot in his throat maybe, or maybe it was his heart unclenching all of a sudden, but Jinyoung pushed the seatbelt button, untying himself, and crawled up to throw his arms around Jackson’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder.

Jackson stayed still for a second, but finally wrapped his arms around Jinyoung as much as he could in the tiny space.

The position was far from comfortable, but Jinyoung couldn’t care less. He was being swallowed in that _warmth_ , it was everywhere around him, it was burning against the skin of his face, against his arms and hands and shoulders, he could almost _smell_ it.

He still couldn’t put the words on it, on the magic of this car, on that feeling, but he was growing steadily addicted to it. He knew he would stay up before falling asleep, trying to find some traces left on his body, in vain obviously.

‘’Why are you so warm ?’’ Jinyoung mumbled into Jackson’s shoulder

Jackson laughed softly, and patted Jinyoung’s hair.

‘’I don’t know. Maybe I ingested a space heater as a kid.’’

Jinyoung burst out laughing. He didn’t even try to refrain himself this time, it just came out, loud, full. His head slipped from Jackson’s shoulder as he bent over forward, laughing so much he was getting breathless, and Jackson followed the movement, as if he was ready to catch him.

‘’How would that even work ?’’ Jinyoung said breathlessly

‘’I don’t know, don’t ask me…’’

The smile that lifted the corners of Jackson’s lip, a few centimetres away from Jinyoung’s eyes, would probably also keep him awake a bit. What did it mean and why was it so _warm_ again ?

‘’It’s not fair…’’ Jinyoung whined, banging his forehead on Jackson’s shoulder

‘’What ?’’

‘’You’re nice, you’re handsome, you’re smart, you’re good at your job _and_ you make people happy. It’s not fair.’’

Jackson laughed, then grabbed his phone from the console compartment, opened the front camera and pulled it up to show Jinyoung’s face.

Jinyoung groaned.

‘’I don’t make people happy.’’ he said

Jackson ruffled his hair.

‘’Try it. It’s not that hard.’’

Jinyoung was right.

It did keep him up that night.

He got out of the bus, on the second day of rehearsals, with so many more voices in the frantic whirlpool that his brain had become.

Every new day that passed felt like a year, with the emotion load that got dumped on Jinyoung every single time. It was exactly one week now since the incident with Mr Seo’s phone, one week since he had walked up to Jackson to ask him to get him home. He really had brought this upon himself, huh.

But somehow…

Something about that hug, something about that warmth, something about that moment where he felt the snap inside him…

Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe he could go forward ?

Yugyeom waved at him when he reached the Theatre. He was waiting in front of the door, checking his phone. It was quite a beautiful day, so Jinyoung didn’t blame him for not immediately locking himself in the windowless theatre for the second hectic day in a row.

_Try it. It’s not that hard._

Should he do the same thing then ?

Jinyoung dropped his bag next to Yugyeom, taking out the water bottle to get a sip of the cold drink. No, he did not miss the way his younger colleague’s head perked, nor the spark that flashed in his eyes.

‘’Not too tired from yesterday ?’’ Jinyoung asked

Yugyeom shook his head, making his hair flap around.

‘’No, are you kidding ?’’ he chuckled. ‘’Yesterday was amazing ! I can’t wait for today.’’

Jinyoung smirked, and sent the younger a knowing look from the corner of his eyes.

‘’So, how’s it going with _Rosie_ ?’’

Yugyeom rolled his eyes and flashed him an evil smile.

‘’So…’’ he drawled, imitating Jinyoung’s tone exaggeratedly. ‘’How’s it going with Jackson hyung ?’’

Jinyoung snorted.

‘’Hey that’s not fair. Jackson and I are… friends.’’

_Were they ?_

‘’Well Rosie and I are friends too.’’

Jinyoung shook his head, and just kept drinking. He would get it out of him one day, or out of Roseanne maybe.

‘’What happened by the way ?’’ Yugyeom asked, his tone much less lighthearted

Jinyoung looked at him, confused.

‘’I mean…’’ Yugyeom explained. ‘’I’m so happy you and Jackson hyung made peace and everything, don’t get me wrong, it’s just… Jackson hyung didn’t tell us anything, just said you were fine now, but…’’

Jinyoung raised his eyebrows.

_So Jackson didn’t say anything ?_

‘’Again, don’t get me wrong.’’ Yugyeom was still going, not looking at Jinyoung but clearly fidgeting and nervously playing around with his phone. ‘’When Jackson hyung said you were fine, I thought things would just go back to the way they were before. I like this better, really, but I was wondering, you know, what happened.’’

Jinyoung decided not to comment on the fact that Yugyeom was stammering a lot for such an innocent question. Was he scared of him or what ?

‘’That’s none of your business.’’ he teased, nudging his colleague with his shoulder

Or rather, he had no idea either.

‘’Hey !’’ the younger whined. ‘’It’s not fair, you’re trying to steal the spot as Jackson hyung’s favourite.’’

Jinyoung frowned.

‘’That’s a thing ?’’

‘’Well yeah, it’s a thing we started at my first get-together, you weren’t there. We were all asking each other _who’s your favourite_ , as a joke, but Jackson hyung refused to say. He said he doesn’t pick favourites, but we’re trying to get it out of him.’’

Jinyoung looked at Yugyeom’s face closely for a second, his beaming smile, his shining eyes, his laugh that seemed to make flowers and unicorns pop out everywhere…

‘’What about me ?’’ Jinyoung pouted. ‘’Is no one curious about who my favourite is ?’’

Yugyeom laughed nervously.

‘’No offense, hyung, but I think everyone assumed you don’t have one.’’

‘’Why ? I could have one. It could be you.’’

Yugyeom’s hand shot to his heart.

‘’Ah, hyung don’t lie to me…’’ he pleaded, looking down at his shoes

_Why do you think Gyeomie looks up to you so much ?_

Jinyoung stared at the younger, and felt like crying.

Jinyoung was a terrible person, and Yugyeom didn’t even know a quarter of the things he had said or thought about him. But maybe, just maybe, that could be his blessing, his second chance. He didn’t need to know. And Jinyoung didn’t need to go back. He could move forward.

_Or maybe because you’re genuinely worth looking up to._

‘’So…’’ Yugyeom said tentatively, looking up at Jinyoung but still fidgeting around. ‘’Who’s your favourite then ?’’

_Try it. It’s not that hard._

‘’You, of course.’’ Jinyoung smiled

At the way Yugyeom’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, Jinyoung knew he had closed the door behind him, and there was no going back. Not ever again.

‘’You two, what are you doing still out, there’s a rehearsal to set up !’’ their manager yelled from the door

Jinyoung smiled at Yugyeom, and they both went inside.

And, for the first time, his smile did not fade one bit as he walked through the hall and backstage, as he greeted Mark, Jaebom, Kim Jisoo and all the people he crossed paths with.

Jinyoung was a weak man.

There must have been a witch on his obstacle course, or a potion he had drunk without knowing —Jackson’s water bottle ?— and now he was under a spell that he couldn’t shed off.

He had eyes on his suspect number one, who was helping the lead actress put on her probably very heavy cape.

Jackson smiled at him from a distance, and once again Jinyoung smiled back.

Maybe there was something wrong with him, but he was starting to think whatever this spell was, he’d take it a thousand times over the bitter feeling clawing at his stomach.

Mark didn’t make any comments when he came to set the wearable mics on the costumes, but Jinyoung caught the pointed look he sent his way, whatever that meant.

The morning went by relatively well. Except from the fact that him and Yugyeom were constantly running backstage, to get the props out, to pass around messages through their walkie-talkies, to go grab whatever their manager or an actor had forgotten backstage. When lunch break was announced, Jinyoung couldn’t feel the muscles in his legs anymore, and it had barely been three hours.

_Run-through my ass, this is just intense rehearsal._

Yugyeom and him had one last thing to take care of before joining the other interns at the fountain for lunch, but when they finally reunited with the group, Jinyoung went straight to Jackson.

The wardrobe intern was munching on his sandwich, sitting on the edge of the fountain, talking to Bambam. He had his back turned to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung sat behind him and dropped his head backwards, so he was leaning completely against Jackson’s back, startling him.

‘’I’m tired…’’ he whined, turning around and putting his chin on Jackson’s shoulder. ‘’Why is it only Thursday ?’’

Jinyoung’s eyes met Bambam’s, and his breath got caught in his throat for a second, until Jackson laughed and ruffled his hair.

They ate like that for a while, Jinyoung stuck to Jackson like an electric car stays plugged to a charging station to get its full power back. Somehow, that odd warmth was washing away the tiredness, and easing the whirlpool in his brain a little bit.

‘’So you two are besties now ?’’ Lisa asked with her mouth full, pointing at the both them

Jinyoung looked up at the sky, wishing he had sunglasses to hide his face so he wouldn’t catch the way Yugyeom, Bambam and Jennie’s heads snapped up towards them as soon as Lisa spoke.

The muscles in his back were tense. That was the absolute last conversation he wanted to have right now, even below an update on Canary Guy’s bird adventures.

‘’Lisa, so many questions so early in the morning…’’ Jackson groaned, pushing himself away from Jinyoung, leaving him much too cold now despite the sun hitting his face

‘’Hey !’’ she protested. ‘’I’m just curious, everyone’s curious.’’

Jinyoung was now contemplating throwing himself into the fountain to drown. He could come back as a ghost and steal people’s coins when they threw them in the water. Wait, could ghost steal things ?

‘’Curious, or jealous ?’’ Jackson taunted her, sticking his tongue out

‘’Hey !’’

Lisa threw the wrapping from her sandwich on Jackson’s chest, and the wardrobe intern sprang forward to chase around the fountain as she shrieked, drawing everyone’s attention to them.

Jinyoung, however, was not amused.

Jackson had avoided the question.

He thought about his conversation with Yugyeom from earlier that morning.

Were they friends ?

Everyone around them seemed to agree that their relationship did not make sense. Because it had been so sudden, when looking from the outside ? Or because, as Jinyoung thought, it did not make sense for someone like Jackson to seek someone like him out ?

Then why had Jackson avoided the question ?

He had been so confident the previous day, in the car, saying he felt less lonely with him. Why was he not saying the same thing right there ?

_Imagine how scared he must be of you._

Oh.

_Oh_.

Shit.

As his eyes met with Jackson’s, who was coming back towards the group, breathless, he knew Mark had been right.

But Jackson was not scared because he thought Jinyoung was a threat to him, no. He was scared because Jinyoung had hurt him before, when Jackson had opened his heart out to him. The words from the day before were true, but Jinyoung had had to tear them out of him too, otherwise he would have kept deflecting until Jinyoung forgot about it.

Jackson was scared to get his heart smashed one more time by the same hand, Jinyoung’s hand.

So he would never say they were friends until Jinyoung said so himself.

Until Jinyoung opened his heart to him too.

Until Jinyoung admitted the thing that was searing his tongue, his throat, his heart, his guts, just thinking about it.

That he liked this better.

That no, he did not want to go back to his life before.

That after all, friends were not that bad. He wanted a friend. Scratch that, he wanted _friends_. He wanted Jackson, and Yugyeom, and Jaebom, and Lisa, and Roseanne, and Youngjae, and yes, even Bambam and Jennie, and why not Mark ?

But Jinyoung could never say that.

No.

He could never ask for something like that.

And that made his heart ache so much it was cutting the breath out from his lungs.

How could he ever face Jackson now that he knew he was still hurting him ?

But he had to.

Because he had made a promise, to help him out with the costumes he had to fix. And Jinyoung was still forever too indebted to him to break his promises.

So when he found himself, that same evening, wearing the precious costume once again, while Jackson fixed the seam in his back, Jinyoung’s heart was pounding against his temples.

He was thankful he couldn’t see Jackson’s face right now, or else the other would have been able to read his troubled mind.

The silence was suffocating.

It was not heavy or uncomfortable, but it was giving too much space to Jinyoung’s thoughts to swallow him whole.

‘’I heard there’s a competition to know who’s your favourite.’’ Jinyoung teased, trying to smile a bit. ‘’People are fighting for your affection.’’

Jackson laughed, and Jinyoung didn’t have to look at him to know his face had filled with that softness and that warmth he was getting a tiny bit too familiar with.

‘’It’s a joke.’’ Jackson replied. ‘’I forgot about it. Gyeom said you were his favourite, by the way.’’

‘’Yugyeom made it sound very serious, though.’’

‘’Why ? Wanna enter ?’’

_And there we go again. See, Jinyoung, this is why you should never start conversations._

‘’Mmm… No thank you, too much competition going on already.’’

‘’If you say so.’’

Silence fell again between them.

Jackson’s hand was steadying him so he wouldn’t move around too much, but Jinyoung felt as if he had just been dropped above a blackhole.

‘’Although…’’ he gulped, praying his voice sounded confident enough. ‘’Am I the only one you drive home ?’’

‘’Yeah, but if someone needed help, I wouldn’t reject them. I didn’t sign an exclusivity contract as your chauffeur.’’

Jackson’s tone was joking, but Jinyoung didn’t laugh.

‘’You drive me home, you gave me an expensive water bottle, if I entered, I’d have won already.’’

Jackson spun his hip around slightly, just so their eyes could meet, Jackson looked up at him from where he was crouching on the ground, eyebrows raised.

‘’I thought your affection couldn’t be bought ?’’

Jinyoung’s mouth was dry.

Jackson got back up on his feet, putting the needles in his belt. He smiled at Jinyoung, patting his shoulder.

‘’If I like you that much, trust me, you’ll know.’’

He turned around and went to grab another part of the costume he needed to fix up.

Jinyoung watched him, biting his lip.

That was the thing though. He _knew_. Or at least he strongly suspected.

That warmth, those smiles, the kind words, would he share them with Jinyoung if they weren’t friends ?

Were they friends ?

What did Jackson see that seemed worth getting his heart broken a second time ?

‘’You shouldn’t.’’ he blurted out when Jackson put the coat on him —damn, Jinyoung was going to roast in this thing…

Jackson’s gaze filled with confusion.

‘’Shouldn’t what ?’’

‘’You have no reasons to like me.’’

Jackson scoffed.

‘’That’s for me to decide, thank you very much.’’

‘’No, Jackson.’’

Jinyoung grabbed the other’s wrist before he could get his needles again. He looked at him straight in the eyes, trying to ignore the way his whole chest felt so tight.

‘’You’re wasting your time.’’ he said. ‘’We’re not the same, we’re on two completely different levels, we live in worlds that should never collide.’’

‘’I… I don’t understand.’’

‘’I didn’t expect you to. Jackson, I can’t be good for you, I can’t, just look at me.’’

Jackson crossed his arms on his chest, narrowing his eyes and leaning back against the nearest shelf.

‘’Then explain it to me.’’

Jinyoung breathed out deeply.

He had put his foot in his mouth so now he had to face the conversation he was trying to avoid.

Well… At least maybe it wouldn’t keep him up at night. At least he might not have climbed high enough to crash from a height he stood no chance of surviving.

‘’It’s like…’’ he sighed, gesturing in the air as if it would somehow make things clearer in his mind. ‘’It’s like you’re the sun and I’m the moon, okay ?’’

Jackson’s eyes widened, but Jinyoung was far from done.

‘’You’re bright and I’m dull. People need you, you make their lives better, if they didn’t know me it wouldn’t change anything. You’re reliable, you’re warm, people have good things to say about you… What about me ? I’m just… in the dark, all the time.’’

If he hadn’t been wearing that impossibly heavy costume, Jinyoung would have dropped to the floor, holding his knees against his chest, and would maybe have allowed himself to cry.

The bitter feeling was back, tightening around his lungs and stealing his breath.

_Don’t cry._

‘’Your metaphors are really bad.’’

Jinyoung’s head snapped up, eyes wide.

Jackson was smiling. He was leaning against the shelf so nonchalantly, and he looked amused.

‘’First of all.’’ he said before Jinyoung could ask what the hell was wrong with him. ‘’The sun is just a big ball of gas that makes monstrous noises and that will eventually swallow up everything in its vicinity. That’s not a nice description, really.’’

He took a step closer. Jinyoung stopped breathing.

‘’Number two, people don’t look at the sun, it’s dangerous, it burns their retinas. The moon is safe, and it’s comfortable.’’

Jinyoung’s eyes were burning now, but Jackson kept coming forward.

‘’Number three, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious, and fascinating. I’m pretty sure people wrote more poems and more songs about the moon than about the sun.’’

He stopped right in front of Jinyoung, his eyes so soft and his smile so damn _warm_.

‘’And number four, there are thousands of suns and thousands of moons in the universe, and they all look different. So why do you need to put everything in absolutes and binaries ? Why can’t you just be you without existing in relation to me ?’’

Jinyoung was completely frozen, but that didn’t stop Jackson from reaching out to brush his fingers against his to take his hand.

‘’It’s like…’’ he continued, holding up Jinyoung’s hand and examining it carefully. ‘’You know how they say _there’s no darkness without light_ ? Or… like there’s no notion of outside without a notion of inside ?’’

Jinyoung nodded numbly.

‘’Well, this is not like that. You exist on your own. You are complete on your own, you make sense on your own. When I look at you, I don’t search for the things I’m lacking, or for the reasons someone should or shouldn’t like me.’’

_Don’t_.

Jinyoung’s heart was about to jump out of his throat. He had to get out of here before it was too late. He didn’t want to hear it, no, he could not hear it…

‘’What’s your metaphor then ?’’ he asked, throat dry and voice shaky

Jackson smiled. With the hand that wasn’t holding his, he pinched Jinyoung’s chin.

‘’You’re Park Jinyoung. I’m Jackson Wang. I think that’s plenty good enough as it is.’’

_Don’t_ …

Jinyoung lunged forward.

Jackson caught him easily, and let him wrap his arms around his neck and hold him _tightly_ , so tight the heat from the costume was unbearable but Jinyoung couldn’t let go. Jackson’s arms were around him, they were holding him up despite his shaky legs, they were wrapping him in that warmth, despite being far away the car.

Jinyoung was full to the brim, with the voices screaming at him, with the doubts, with the bitter feeling…

_Don’t_.

Jackson held his head and pecked his hair.

_No, no, no, no_ …

_Don’t, don’t, no_ …

But it was too late.

Jinyoung was already crying.

He broke into a sobbing mess, holding Jackson tighter. He couldn’t even care whether the door of the storage room was soundproof or if the entire costume department could hear him, and maybe report to his manager, or if the news would spread just as fast as the time he had yelled at Jackson. He would care later.

Because right now he felt so _warm_. He felt like taking a step above the blackhole even though there was still a chance he might fall. There was a chance he could fly too, so why run the other way now ?

Jackson kissed his forehead and, without a word, started taking off the costume. Jinyoung wanted to protest, to say he wanted to stay in Jackson’s arms even if he was burning, but Jackson had grabbed his hand before one word could come out of Jinyoung’s mouth. He took him by the shoulders, holding his head with one hand, and pushed the door open.

Jackson pulled him along, and Jinyoung let him. He still felt the warmth against his shoulders, even if it wasn’t close enough, it wasn’t gone.

Jackson waved at Jennie and Bambam, then pulled Jinyoung towards the exit. There would be questions to answer, that was for sure, but once again, he didn’t care for now.

Jackson brought him to his car, but still did not let go. He opened the door for him, dropped him on the seat, put his seatbelt on, and grabbed his cheeks to kiss the top of his head, then went to the driver’s seat.

He let Jinyoung hold his hand whenever he didn’t need it on the steering wheel or on the gears.

Jinyoung noticed he hadn’t put any address on the GPS, but quickly recognised the way to his own apartment. He held on to Jackson’s hand tighter.

An hour later, Jinyoung’s tears had barely dried out when Jackson pulled over in his usual spot.

Jinyoung wasn’t ready to get out. If he walked up the stairs and closed the door to his apartment behind him, he would fall to the ground and burst into tears until he fell asleep on the floor, and that was _way_ out of question.

‘’Come up.’’ he said, his voice croaking

Jackson grinned, switching off the ignition.

‘’Took you long enough.’’

Jinyoung couldn’t help it. He smiled.

Jackson didn’t make any comment when he saw Jinyoung’s apartment, just took off his shoes and made Jinyoung do the same. He pointed at Jinyoung’s couch, and told him to sit there.

Jinyoung had no energy left to argue.

Jackson disappeared in the kitchen. Jinyoung started wondering if he really had never invited him up before, because he knew his way around as if he had lived there too.

Jinyoung closed his eyes.

A week ago, everything shattered. Today, he had been served the second round.

_Why can’t you just be you without existing in relation to me ?_

_You exist on your own. You are complete on your own, you make sense on your own._

_If I like you that much, trust me, you’ll know._

What should Jinyoung believe ?

He had thought he was all that, he had paraded around sure he would win by checkmate in a game where he was the only self-aware player. Then the truth had crashed on him like a brick house. He was far from ‘all that’. He was a terrible person. He was dull where so many other people shined. But now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

_I feel better when I’m with you, that’s why, I guess_.

Maybe Jinyoung had been wrong.

Jackson wasn’t a mirror maze.

He was a siren’s call.

‘’Here, take this.’’

Jackson came back with two warm cups of chocolate —Jinyoung had forgotten he even had that— then dropped on the couch next to him. Jinyoung automatically went back to leaning against him, putting his head on his shoulder and letting the warmth wrap around him again.

‘’Thank you…’’ he muttered, closing his eyes

It was the first time he said it, he realised.

Jackson started playing with his hair. The muscles in Jinyoung’s back felt like they were melting. It was oddly quiet up there, in his mind. The whirlpool had subsided for now, as if the tears had drained its energy as well as Jinyoung’s.

‘’I want to ask why you’re doing this, but I have feeling you’d give me another soliloquy.’’ he laughed half-heartedly

‘’Promise me you’ll never say things like that about yourself again, okay ?’’

Jinyoung looked up at him. There was a strange shine his eyes. Sadness, maybe ?

‘’I promise.’’ he whispered

Jackson kissed his hair as a response.

_I_ _feel better when I’m with you, that’s why, I guess_.

So did he… Could he say it though ? Jackson wouldn’t speak first, and rightly so, so the ball was in his camp.

‘’When I thought you were fainting…’’ Jackson spoke up again. ‘’Was that the same thing ? Were you thinking those things ?’’

Jinyoung thought about it for a second.

Back then, he couldn’t breathe. People’s eyes on him, his manager’s glare so close to his face, those words that had landed smack where the wounds were still fresh… Maybe he had been terrified to see in people’s eyes the exact things he already thought about himself deep down.

‘’Yeah…’’ he sighed. ‘’Pretty much.’’

‘’Is it also why you didn’t like me ?’’

‘’No, I hadn’t realised it yet.’’

Jackson nodded. His fingers in Jinyoung’s hair did not change pace. He could have fallen asleep like that and woken up a thousand years later.

‘’Is it why you gave up on your dreams ? Is that what you meant when you said you were average ?’’

Jinyoung’s heart clenched again.

‘’Yeah…’’ he breathed out

_Imagine how scared he must be of you_.

Jackson had not laughed at him when he had confessed about his acting dreams. Jackson had caught him once again this time, as he was falling, and had eased his landing. Jackson hadn’t left him, hadn’t given up on him despite the many things he was lacking and the many times he hadn’t proven himself worthy of all that care and attention. He was still here right now, holding Jinyoung in his arms.

Jinyoung had to speak up. He owed him that much. If Jackson was holding his heart out for him to break again, it was only fair he should do the same, even though he wanted to run and lock himself in his room just thinking about it.

He straightened up, grabbing the hot chocolate cup before it got cold, and took a deep breath.

‘’I’m just…’’ he tried, but his eyes starting burning once again and the words got stuck in his throat

He felt Jackson’s warm hand run across his back as he sipped on the hot chocolate, easing the tension in his spine.

‘’I’m just scared I’ll be unhappy…’’ he admitted, muttering through his teeth

Jackson leaned forward to be at eye level with Jinyoung, and put their shoulders together.

‘’There will always be moments where you’re less happy.’’ he said softly. ‘’It’s part of life.’’

Jinyoung shook his head and looked straight into Jackson’s eyes.

‘’No. I’m scared I’ll _never_ be happy.’’

Jackson’s face fell.

‘’Oh.’’

Jinyoung wiped the tear that rolled down his cheeks. He couldn’t say whether he felt better or worse after saying it out loud.

‘’You know…’’ Jackson said, bumping his knee against Jinyoung’s. ‘’Making safer choices won’t necessarily make you happy. You might get to safer ground quicker and easier, but you might lose completely the point you wanted to reach.’’

Jinyoung snorted.

‘’You’re not making any sense.’’

Or maybe he was but he was still trying to block out the siren’s call.

‘’Yeah your dreams are challenging.’’ Jackson rephrased, sighing. ‘’And the things that make you happy come with their load of competition, rejection, hardships, whatever. There’s struggle in any road people can choose nowadays, so would you rather struggle and be safe quicker but be miserable and frustrated for the rest of your life, or struggle a bit longer maybe but make your dreams come true ?’’

Jinyoung bit his lip.

‘’Will I be happy if my dreams come true ?’’

Jackson stroked his hair softly.

‘’I’m pretty sure that swerving to a road you don’t really want to take on is the worst way to find out.’’

Jinyoung breathed in deeply, through his nose. He finished the last gulps of his hot chocolate, then let himself fall back against Jackson, who wrapped an arm around him.

‘’I wish I could think like you…’’ he sighed. ‘’I wish I could have your mindset. How do you do it ?’’

Jackson’s arm tensed up around him.

Jinyoung looked up to see what was wrong, confused at the sudden shift.

Jackson’s gaze had turned dull. That was a different new face altogether…

‘’Are you sure you want to know ?’’ he muttered

The sourness in his voice made shivers run down Jinyoung’s spine but still, he nodded. He sat up, leaning against the couch to face Jackson, who did the same thing. They were face to face, the sun outside was starting to set, leaving them in a soft darkness.

‘’Have you ever been to a circus ?’’ Jackson asked out of the blue

Jinyoung frowned.

‘’No, that shit creeps me out.’’

‘’Well, you might have seen pictures. What do clowns have on their faces ?’’

‘’Makeup ?’’

Jinyoung was getting really confused now.

‘’Yeah but what’s on their makeup ?’’ Jackson insisted

Jinyoung tried to think about it, but he was at a loss for words. Where the hell was he going with this ?

‘’Tears, Jinyoung.’’ Jackson said, his tone so dark it was barely recognisable. ‘’They have tears drawn on their faces. Clowns are supposed to make people laugh, to make children happy, but they’re the saddest motherfuckers in the whole damn circus.’’

Jinyoung’s heart dropped.

‘’Jackson…’’ he breathed out

‘’Yeah who’d have thought, huh ?’’ the other grumbled, turning around to face the other way

Jinyoung didn’t know what to say. Not because he didn’t understand, but because he should have _known_.

‘’ _When you’re alone and stuck between four walls, it gets hard to run away from the… noise…’’_

_‘’Someone else wouldn’t have felt sad in this situation. You may have pulled the trigger but the pain belongs to me.’’_

_‘’It’s the heartbreak that leaves scars I don’t want. The one that ruins every good thing that comes after.’’_

_‘’You’re not saying that to get rid of me, right ? If you don’t want me around, just tell me, I don’t wanna burden you, I’ll leave you alone…’’_

_‘’My parents are only a call away, but I can’t ask them to stay on the phone for hours to fill the silence.’’_

_‘’When I drive you home, it’s one hour when I’m not lonely. It gives me a break from the…noise… you know. Am I being selfish ?’’_

Fuck.

He should have known.

Jinyoung reached his hand out to grab Jackson’s, and surprisingly, the other squeezed it tighter.

‘’I don’t wanna burden people with it…’’ he sighed, and Jinyoung couldn’t tell if he was crying or not yet. ‘’They like the energy I give them, I don’t want them to worry if they see me being down.’’

Jinyoung took Jackson’s hand to his lips and let a brief peck on his knuckles.

That made Jackson meet his eyes again. Jinyoung froze. He _was_ crying.

‘’And I don’t want them to leave me…’’

Jinyoung had a thousand things to say to that, but the words died in his throat. He was out of breath. His heart felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside.

‘’You know…’’ Jackson was still going, Jinyoung felt like was watching a flaming train run full speed towards a collapsed bridge. ‘’What if they think it was all a sham ? That I’m just any regular guy after all ? That I’m nothing special, that I’m _average_ , just like you said ?’’

Jinyoung took Jackson’s face in his hands, looking straight into his eyes.

‘’You’re not average.’’ he said firmly. ‘’You’re definitely not, you’re anything but, you’re the furthest thing from average.’’

Jackson grabbed Jinyoung’s hands as if to take them away from his face.

‘’You want me to believe it when you say it, but you won’t believe me when I say it about you ?’’

Jinyoung bit his lip.

_Touché_.

‘’I'm scared too, by the way, to answer your question…’’ Jackson said, his tone softer now. ‘’I know I keep saying _try, you’ll never know if you don’t try_ but I’m as scared as you are. I don’t regret a second of it, but following your dreams is terrifying. It comes with a steep bill, I don’t blame you for hesitating, I really don’t.’’

That should have appeased Jinyoung’s heart, but no, it didn’t. It sent it running full gallop.

‘’I keep thinking… What if I don’t make it ? What if this is as far as I get, as good as it gets ? But there’s a reason I’m here. There’s a reason I left my country, my family, there’s a reason I learned a different language, there’s a reason I went to school, and passed all of those exams, and stayed up all night working on designs. There’s a reason for all these scars on my hands from the needles.’’

Jinyoung took the hands in question, brushing his fingers along the white cuts and the little callouses.

‘’I think it’s when you can’t find that reason, when it’s a big blank void that you can get unhappy. Or if the reason doesn’t make your heart race in euphoria.’’

Jackson’s tears were gone now, and replaced by a faint smile, that bore no sadness, just… melancholy ?

‘’I’m lucky that I found my reason very young…’’ he said, looking at his hands in Jinyoung’s. ‘’And I’m lucky that I got to follow it until today. It’s like… When I think about it, the fear doesn’t completely disappears but it… gets quiet, you know ? It’s… finding shelter from the storm ?’’

He looked at Jinyoung.

‘’Do you ever feel like that ?’’

Jinyoung could have drowned in Jackson’s eyes right here and there.

‘’No.’’ he replied

_Yes_.

‘’Oh…’’ he corrected himself. ‘’Actually I do. In your car.’’

‘’In my car ?’’ Jackson chuckled

Jinyoung felt heat creeping up his cheeks.

‘’Yeah…’’ he admitted. ‘’I feel… sheltered.’’

Jackson smiled softly.

‘’But you can’t stay in my car forever.’’

Jinyoung knew that.

He would not say it out loud, but since earlier, at lunch, he was starting to suspect that the feeling of security had nothing to do with the car.

‘’I think the reason why I feel so sure when I think about my dreams’’ Jackson resumed. ‘’I can’t really explain it, but I think it’s because they… call… to me. Does that make sense ?’’

Jinyoung nodded.

‘’A vocation.’’ he provided

‘’Yeah. Did you find something like that too ?’’

_No_.

‘’Yeah.’’

He looked at Jackson.

‘’But it scares the shit out of me.’’

Jackson took a second to reply, and it felt like he was probing through Jinyoung’s soul just with his eyes.

‘’It scares the shit out of me too.’’ he finally admitted. ‘’And I have no safety net. I don’t know if I’ll fall back on my feet. I don’t know anything.’’

Jinyoung’s throat felt tight. He could already feel the bitter sensation slowly coming back to eat at his lungs.

_No, no, stop._

‘’Then how did you do it ?’’ he asked pleadingly. ‘’It gives me a heart attack just thinking about it.’’

‘’Because it _calls_ to me. And because I feel _genuinely_ happy when I’m working. I feel like I’m a puzzle piece that was inserted perfectly.’’

Jinyoung laughed. Jackson pouted.

‘’Don’t make fun of me. You’re mean.’’

Jinyoung laughed even harder.

‘’No, I like it, it’s poetic.’’ he said

‘’It’s childish, you mean.’’

‘’Did I say _childish_ ? Did you hear me say that ?’’

Jackson looked away. Jinyoung could get a better look at him like that, at that face whose angles he had learned by heart in the span of one week.

His favourite face, maybe.

Just maybe.

‘’It’s poetic. It’s pretty.’’ he concluded

Jackson narrowed his eyes at him, but Jinyoung was standing too close to him to miss the way the corners of his lips still lifted up slightly.

‘’I get suspicious when you compliment me.’’ he joked

‘’Should I do it more often ?’’ Jinyoung laughed. ‘’So you get used to it ?’’

Jackson smiled.

‘’I don’t think you’ll last very long.’’

Jinyoung raised his eyebrows.

Was that a challenge ? Because Jackson was in for a surprise, Jinyoung was still existentially competitive at heart.

They fell into a comfortable silence.

Jinyoung’s mind didn’t go quiet however.

He kept replaying the words they had shared, over and over again.

_Imagine how scared he must be of you_.

They both were scared.

Jackson was even scared of Jinyoung, whether he would admit it or not, but still, he was there with him. Jinyoung was scared of him too. If Jackson had taken a chance on him, then maybe, just maybe, there was something there.

Maybe he could take a chance of his own too.

Jump without a safety net, like Jackson had said.

‘’Show me.’’ he blurted out, putting his chin on Jackson’s shoulder

Jackson raised his eyebrows questioningly.

‘’Show me when you’re down.’’ Jinyoung whispered, still holding Jackson’s hand tight. ‘’Show me when you feel average, show me when you’re scared shitless. I wont leave you. I’ll never leave you.’’

Jackson remained silent a moment, then rested his forehead against Jinyoung’s.

‘’I can’t show you.’’ he whispered too. ‘’It’s under every face I wear.’’

Jinyoung took his chin between his fingers.

‘’Well, then show me every face, I guess.’’

Jackson’s grin blinded him, and filled every fibre of his skin, his whole chest, his throat, his lungs with that unmistakable _warmth_.

‘’Only if you show me every face too.’’

‘’Deal.’’ Jinyoung beamed too

This time, Jackson drove him to work too. They got out of the car right when Yugyeom and Bambam passed by, and the looks on their faces were enough for Jinyoung to guess he was in for a thorough interrogation as soon as they had a two minutes break. He expected one from Mark too, who had seen them leave the day before, tangled up together, with Jinyoung crying.

Now that he thought about it, they must indeed have looked quite strange from the outside. Especially now that he knew Jackson hadn’t told anybody about the conversations they’d had in the past week.

It was surprising no one had asked more questions, to be fair.

‘’Kim, Park, hurry up, we don’t have all day and we’re missing two chairs.’’ their manager greeted them as soon as they came in

Jackson waved at him and walked backstage with Bambam, who seemed to assault him with questions as soon as they were out of hearing range.

Jinyoung smiled.

‘’Actually’’ Kim Jisoo cut off Jinyoung’s manager before he could start giving them more instructions. ‘’Could I borrow Jinyoung for a minute ?’’

Jinyoung nodded instead of his manager, and followed her backstage, sticking his tongue out to Yugyeom behind his shoulder.

_you still have a lot to tell me_ , came the younger’s reply through text.

_Dream on, my dear child_ , he typed back.

‘’Okay, I need your help with something this morning.’’ Jisoo explained with a smile. ‘’Mr Seo, who you’ve had the pleasure to meet already, can’t be here before two p.m. because he had a medical check up. The understudy is coming in from another production, it’s his first time here and I need someone to brief him. Your manager told me you’re in charge of costumes, that’s good because their sizes are different so it’s still up in the air whether there should be a fitting before rehearsal starts or if he’s going to rehearse in his own clothes.’’

Jinyoung nodded along with every information that she dropped on him.

Shit. That was a lot of responsibilities.

‘’Are you up for it ?’’ she asked after finishing her briefing

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’That’s what I like to hear.’’

The understudy was maybe twenty years younger than Mr Seo, and ten years older than Jinyoung. The latter tried to ignore the bitter sensation knocking at the doors of his mind.

He briefed the guy about all the scheduling and logistics he might need to navigate five hours around the rehearsal, and the guy just hummed from time to time, too distracted by the paint on the walls or by the constant popping of notifications on his phone.

He was already getting on Jinyoung’s nerves.

‘’Let’s get to wardrobe.’’ he mumbled, spinning on his heels, not waiting for the understudy to catch up to his speed

_You’re an understudy for fuck’s sake, try to make a good impression, even I would do a better job than you._

Argh.

Jinyoung should push these thoughts away quickly.

The sight of the wardrobe table, with all its hanging rails, the actors being helped out by the interns, the hats laying around everywhere with the thread bobbins, was like finally reaching the gates of heaven, angel choir and all that jazz.

‘’Jack.’’ he called out

Jackson whipped around. He had needles in his mouth, and a large red velvet cape in his arms he was bringing to the lead actor.

Jinyoung pointed at the understudy, who was jogging up to them, still trying to answer his texts and walk at the same time.

‘’Do we already have costumes for the understudies ?’’ he asked

‘’Not all of them.’’ Jennie replied instead, appearing behind Jackson and gauging up the understudy. ‘’What part ?’’

‘’Oberon. He’s Mr Seo’s understudy.’’

‘’We don’t have the understudy’s costume yer, but we have an old version of Mr Seo’s that turned out too small, I’ll go get it.’’

Jennie handed Jinyoung her tools and bolted away towards the costume department’s hall.

Jinyoung couldn’t lie. The fact that she had talked to him, that she hadn’t looked at him like she was planning his untimely demise, was making his heart feel fifty times lighter. Were things turning out okay, maybe ?

‘’There’s coffee over there if you want some while you wait.’’ Jinyoung told the understudy

As soon as the guy was far enough, Jinyoung turned to Jackson and Bambam and rolled his eyes. The two wardrobe interns laughed.

‘’Watch out, Jinyoung hyung.’’ Bambam joked. ‘’You have competition for the title of the first guy who’ll trip on the wires and land flat on his face.’’

Jinyoung snorted.

‘’How much do you bet if he tripped and broke his ankle, he would answer his D.M.s first and call an ambulance after ?’’

Jinyoung reenacted the motion, taking out his own phone and falling to the ground while keeping his screen glued to his face. Jackson and Bambam burst out laughing, drawing everyone’s attention to the three of them.

‘’You’re a whole new kind of drama queen.’’ Jackson told him as he helped him stand up again

‘’Shut up. I’m awesome.’’ Jinyoung replied, although his cheeks were flaming red —what was he doing ?

‘’I never said otherwise.’’

‘’Okayyyyy…’’ Bambam cut them off. ‘’Jennie’s coming back, get the guy.’’

Jennie was indeed coming back, carrying a wrapped pack half as big as her. Jinyoung called back the understudy, and instructed him to go change then come back to let the wardrobe interns finish the fitting.

‘’I feel like being the only person on stage with jeans and sneakers for a period play is the real life equivalent of those dreams where you go to school naked.’’ Jinyoung commented as the four of them watched the understudy walk to his changing room, crushing under the weight of the costume

Jinyoung gave Jennie her tools back and she nudged him playfully.

Before they all went back to their tasks at hand, Jinyoung and Jackson grinned at each other.

‘’Don’t break the guy.’’ Jackson told him

‘’I think he broke _me_ , seriously, the professionalism went out the window.’’

‘’Scare him so much he runs away and then steal his spot.’’

‘’Don’t give me ideas.’’

Jackson ruffled his hair, then went to give the lead actor his cape.

Jinyoung’s heart felt so full. So full it could burst. Burst and then soar to the sky. He didn’t remember the last time he had felt like that.

He started running towards the stage curtain, timing himself.

_Eleven seconds_.

He grinned.

So he could do it after all.

‘’What’s up with you and Jackson ?’’ someone asked behind him, startling him

Jinyoung turned around to face Jaebom, who was carrying the wearable mics instead of Mark this time.

‘’Mmh ?’’ Jinyoung replied

‘’I saw you two. One day everyone’s wondering why you yelled at him, the other everyone is trying to understand if you two are gonna take over the world and drive into the sunset together, are you sure that sounds like a balanced relationship ?’’

Jinyoung smiled.

‘’You make me sound evil.’’ Jinyoung whined

He could still Jackson from here, who was making the actresses laugh like every morning. For some reason, although they were so far away, the warmth had not left Jinyoung.

‘’I think…’’ he sighed

_I_ _feel better when I’m with you._

‘’I think he makes me a better person.’’

That soaring feeling in his heart did not subside. Even when he was watching the understudy stammer through his lines, not for the whole morning but for the whole day since Mr Seo ended up calling saying he had to rest until Monday.

The understudy had let go of his phone, and any leniency Jinyoung might have, thinking those texts could have been urgent, that it might have nothing to do with professionalism, vanished as he saw the guy barely listened to Jisoo, and had to be told twice by Mark to not stand outside of the stage lights.

Looking at that guy, Jinyoung allowed himself one thought.

It burned his tongue at first, but he remembered the conversation he’d had with Jackson the previous night.

Jinyoung would rather throw himself into the fountain they had lunch next to rather than talk about whether he had any acting talent of his own or not, but if that guy did it well enough for the National Theatre, then Jinyoung could probably have aimed for the Royal Shakespeare Company.

And maybe it’s that thought that made him stay.

On a Friday evening, while most people were gone, he was still there.

On stage.

The lights were not on, and the seats were empty, but Jinyoung still took his place, centre stage, and took a deep breath.

He closed his eyes.

This was what he had wanted. Ever since he could remember.

The smell of the polished wood. Of the dust in the curtains. The echo of a room with thousands of seats. The cold air that turned to a burning heat once the lights were on. The weight of the costumes on his shoulders.

That was what he wanted.

That was what he’d _had_.

Back in school, playing role after role, a different one every term, skimming through plays of every country in the world and making the words his own, with intonation and inflexion and projection…

He had been on stage before.

Not the National Theatre of Korea’s stage, but on stage.

And he had adored every single second of it.

That was his moment, feeling like a puzzle piece that had been inserted properly.

And if he closed his eyes, and breathed in the smell of the hall, and concentrated strong enough, he could still recite them all. All those words he had spent countless days and nights learning by heart.

‘’ _And so he plays his part_.’’

Jinyoung spun around.

Jackson was leaning against the wall, in the exact spot he had been when he had come to hear his apology a week before exactly. But this time, there was a smile at the corner of his lips.

‘’Are you quoting Shakespeare ?’’ Jinyoung laughed incredulously

‘’And, so what ? We’re in a theatre, it’s appropriate.’’

Jinyoung wondered if one day, once they got to know each other through and through, he would stop being surprised by Jackson every time they had a new conversation. Maybe, maybe not, right now he found that he’d rather keep that thought for another day.

‘’Don’t tell me you haven’t memorised every single line from the play after hearing it so many times already.’’ Jackson teased

Jinyoung raised his chin up, putting on the cockiest face he could muster.

‘’Joke’s on you, sir.’’ he said. ‘’I went to drama school, I know enough Shakespeare to know you are quoting from a different play.’’

Jackson’s eyebrows shot up, and the playful smile on his lips widened.

‘’Really ?’’ he mused. ‘’What’s the rest of the line then ?’’

Jinyoung bit his tongue.

He knew he should have never told Jackson he didn’t even know if he was any good at acting, when he was asking him to stop trying to get his hopes up. He knew that would only plant the seed for Jackson to find a way to get him to act.

He should have seen this coming.

But maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny part in Jinyoung’s heart that wanted to deserve all those compliments, and all those encouraging words.

Would Jackson look at him differently if he showed him he was bad ? No. No this was Jackson.

But Jinyoung really wanted to be good. Wanted those eyes to shine for him for a reason, and not _just because_.

He took a few steps back, taking in the width of the stage, opening his arms wide to the invisible audience.

‘’ _Last scene of all_ ’’ he recited, closing his eyes ‘’ _that ends this strange history, is second childishness and mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans everything._ ’’

He could barely recognise the voice that came out of his mouth. It was lower, and graver, and it rumbled through his bones like thunder in the night. Jinyoung needed to hear it again.

He took a deep breath, then whipped around, to take a step towards Jackson, who was still watching him from the side of the stage.

He felt his features morph, his eyes turn cold, as if he was wearing a new face.

There had been one play, back in drama school, that had never left his muscle memory, for some reason. He had even found himself reciting some of the lines while he was cooking, or showering, and had to stop himself more than once before he’d put up a full production in his living room, reciting every part.

‘’ _He’s fallen in love with your foulness_.’’ he declaimed, his voice once again turning low and sending electricity down the skin of his fingers. ‘’ _And she’ll fall in love with my anger._ ’’

He looked at Jackson’s face, so far away from him, and his voice turned softer.

‘’ _I pray you._ ’’ he carried on, feeling an odd ache in his heart. ‘’ _Do not fall in love with me. For I am falser than vows made in wine._ ’’

Jackson was staring at him with _those eyes_. Jinyoung’s breath got caught up in his throat and he forgot the next line.

He was looking at Jinyoung just like everyone else had been looking at _him_ at Yugyeom’s party.

Those eyes…

That spark…

That _warmth_ …

What was it ?

Was it fondness ?

Was it adoration ?

Was it—

‘’Jinyoung.’’

Jinyoung’s head was spinning wildly, even though he had been standing still this whole time.

‘’Yes. That’s me. That would be my name.’’

‘’ _Do you not love me ?_ ’’ Jackson smiled

Jinyoung grinned.

So he knew Jinyoung had switched plays.

‘’ _Why no, no more than reason._ ’’ he replied, swaying his body

Jackson kept smiling, still leaning against the wall. The warmth was almost suffocating Jinyoung. He felt high.

When Jackson didn’t continue with the next line, Jinyoung took a step forward, as if drawn in by the spark in those eyes.

‘’ _Do_ you _not love me_?’’ he continued

Jackson shook his head slowly, with a faux air of nonchalance.

‘’ _No. No more than reason._ ’’ he said

If Jinyoung could grin any wider, his face would split in half. He had to bite his lips to refrain himself.

He put his hands behind his back and tilted his head innocently.

‘’ _They swore that you were almost sick for me._ ’’ he delivered with a pout

Jackson let out a thoughtful hum, then pushed himself off the wall to walk up to Jinyoung, slowly, each tap of his soles against the wood of the stage pounding heavily in Jinyoung’s chest, like his very own heartbeat.

‘’ _They swore_ you _were well-nigh dead for me._ ’’ he shot back

Jackson stopped right in front of Jinyoung, tapping Jinyoung’s shoe with the tip of his own, before giving him a smile. Jinyoung’s heart was about to burst out of the seams of his chest.

‘’ _Then, do you not love me ?_ ’’ he insisted, taking one last step forward until there was barely any space left to breathe between the two of them

Jackson looked at him, as if he was taking in every detail of his face.

‘’ _No, truly, but in a friendly manner._ ’’

Jinyoung was breathless now.

He let his forehead rest against Jackson’s and closed his eyes. He could feel hot air brushing against the skin of his face.

Yeah.

It was not the car.

Definitely not the car.

‘’Jinyoung.’’

Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered open. His vision was almost blurry with how close Jackson’s eyes were.

‘’Smart heartbreak, remember ?’’ Jackson whispered, just as breathless as Jinyoung felt. ‘’I don’t let my heart get broken twice by the same person.’’

Ah.

The conversation Jinyoung was dreading.

‘’You already used one bullet.’’

Jinyoung swallowed thickly. His throat felt tight, and his brain was screaming at him to run out of the hall.

‘’So ?’’ he said, trying to keep his voice from breaking. ‘’So you won’t give me a chance ?’’

Jackson grinned and grabbed Jinyoung’s chin between his fingers. Jinyoung’s legs felt like cotton candy.

‘’No.’’ Jackson chuckled. ‘’It means you’re not allowed to break my heart.’’

Jinyoung smiled, feeling the uneasiness in his throat wash away in the warmth that was filling him to the brim.

He put his arms around Jackson’s middle, to pull him closer, as if that was even possible.

‘’I’ll take good care of it, I promise.’’ he breathed out, completely unable to tell now where his body ended and Jackson’s started. ‘’But you’re not allowed to break mine either, otherwise it’s not fair.’’

Jackson smiled and tugged at Jinyoung’s chin to drop a peck on his lips.

‘’Deal.’’

Yeah. Jinyoung knew what that warmth was after all.

_yo who’s down for a movie tomorrow ?_

Yugyeom’s text made his phone buzz while Jinyoung was half asleep in Jackson’s arms, on Jackson’s couch.

Well.

Now if there really was an interrogation, Jinyoung would have a lot more questions to answer.

‘’So he’s your personal chauffeur ?’’ Jaebom mocked when he, Jinyoung and Yugyeom were queuing to get everyone’s tickets. ‘’You should have told us you were a famous superstar, Park Jinyoung.’’

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

When they had reached the movie theatre, Jackson had gone straight to the bathroom, leaving Jinyoung to explain that they got there in the same car.

They grabbed the tickets and joined the rest. Everyone was there this time, even Canary Guy whose name Jinyoung had already managed to forget despite seeing it pop up on the group chat notifications.

‘’Shall we go ?’’ Jackson asked, suddenly appearing next to Jinyoung and putting an arm around his shoulders

Jinyoung handed him his ticket, which Jackson grabbed with his teeth before he handed him a pack of marshmallows he apparently had had time to buy.

This time the movie was drama, one that was already getting rave reviews and was being talked about as one of the defining movies of the year. It had been Jaebom and Rosie’s suggestion actually.

As the room turned dark and the title appeared on the screen, Jinyoung felt a strange pinch in his stomach.

He had a bad feeling about this.

He grabbed Jackson’s hand and tried to push that thought away.

But as the movie unfolded, and the story was tugging at his heartstrings, Jinyoung felt the dread growing stronger.

Maybe reciting Shakespeare had been a terrible idea, although the thrill it gave him had kept him awake until late in the night.

Because when the movie reached its climatic emotional scene, where the two lead actors had a screaming, tearful exchange that had the entire room tantalised and that was sure to sweep all the year end acting awards, the thought came back.

_I want that._

He tightened his grip on Jackson’s hand, causing the latter to glance at him.

He couldn’t have that.

Right ?

_If you don’t have the shoulders for it, you shouldn’t even try to venture down that road_.

But what if he did ? What if he had the shoulders for it ?

_If you aim for the losers’ basket, that’s the highest you’ll allow yourself to reach._

What if the only thing that had held him back this whole time had been his lack of trust in himself ? His lack of courage ?

_I think it’s when you can’t find that reason, when it’s a big blank void that you can get unhappy. Or if the reason doesn’t make your heart race in euphoria._

Jinyoung had lied. Fuck no, he didn’t want to be a stage manager. He just thought that was the closest to the stage as he was ever going to get without risking to set his life aflame.

_It calls to me._

_A vocation._

Jinyoung was wrong. Jackson was not the siren’s call. It was himself. It had been inside of him the whole time, from even before his heart had soared when he had first laid eyes on the stage on the first day of his internship.

He had completed his obstacle course. Most of the antagonising items he had feared were sitting next to him now, there was only one pitfall left to overcome, one last rival to defeat.

_Making safer choices won’t necessarily make you happy. You might get to safer ground quicker and easier, but you might lose completely the point you wanted to reach._

He had jumped without a safety net once this week already, he had taken a chance on something that scared the shit out of him.

Jackson.

Jackson who looked at him with stars in his eyes.

Jackson who had painted the black clouds in Jinyoung’s brain into a canvas of grey, and yellow, and blue, and purple, and green, and red…

Jackson that made him want to challenge himself, to show there was so much more to him than what he had set himself out to believe.

So maybe, just maybe, he could take another chance.

He could try a different jump, a more dangerous one, from a much taller height, from a skyscraper built with all the years he had spent _wanting_ this, and telling himself he could never have it.

Because, like Jackson said, there was a reason.

A reason he had left his hometown, his family. There’s a reason he went to drama school, and passed all of those exams, stayed up all night to learn lines and lines and lines of dozens and dozens of plays. There was a reason for the paper cuts, for the bus rides, for the nights of stress, for the times he got stage fright, for all the movies he watched, for all the plays he had read over and over until the words dwelled permanently on his tongue. Andabove all, there was a reason for his internship.

He heard Rosie gasp when a dramatic slap happened on screen, and Jinyoung was reminded of their conversation. Of how he had wished there was a Jaebom in his own field, to ask for help.

He wanted to jump, but how ?

Wait.

There _was_ someone.

Jinyoung’s blood ran cold.

There was one person.

He looked at Jackson, whose profile was lit up by the greyish glow of the movie screen.

Jackson must have felt eyes on him, because he turned his face, and now he was looking at Jinyoung with concern easily readable on his face despite the darkness.

_There’s plenty of people who are really good but who still struggled for a while, it doesn’t mean they lost. It’s not the law of the jungle, it’s just hard work and serendipity._

Jinyoung bit his lip.

He had found his serendipity.

Now he just had to put in the hard work.

He thought about it all weekend, but the words didn’t come. So now, on Monday morning, he had eyes on his target but he was still irremediably tongue-tied.

There was cold sweat dripping down his neck, and his mouth was dry.

He had gotten to work much, _much_ earlier, because he wanted to make sure he could get to that person, who could maybe, just maybe, be his first step, as soon as she came in.

And he could see her right now.

He was standing outside the main entrance, and she was walking towards the Theatre, he could see her wait for the light to turn green at the crosswalk.

Shit.

He didn’t know what to say.

His brain was all over the place, and he could feel dread starting to fill up his lungs.

Shit.

Without thinking, he whipped out his phone.

In the past week, he had learned one thing for sure. There was one voice louder than all the others, not the one that whispers to tread the safest road, but the one you trust. The one that tells you that even if you jump, and even if you miss, you can get back on your feet in your own time. That tells you they’ll be there to help if you want them to.

_How does one ask for help ?_ he typed in his private conversation with Jackson, that had become the most active in his message app since last Friday, surpassing his family group chat and his private chat with Gyeom.

He stared at the bubbles that popped up on screen immediately and sighed in relief.

That meant he wasn’t driving.

His phone buzzed.

_One walks up to someone and says ‘’Hi, can you help me, please ?’’_

Jinyoung would have laughed if the light hadn’t just turned green at the crosswalk and if he hadn’t felt his chest tighten tenfold.

_Let me rephrase that : how does one ask for help when they’re literally terrified of everyone?_

Jinyoung held his breath.

She was walking closer, she had reached this side of the road.

The sudden buzz of his phone almost made him burst into tears.

_One ponders ‘’what’s the worst thing that could happen to me ?’’ and if it’s nothing they’re not ready to face, they take a deep breath, drink some water and remember to trust themselves._

Jinyoung smiled.

He took out the water bottle Jackson had given him, the one he always kept filled, that he always made sure was in his bag when he left the apartment, the familiar weight against his back that always seemed to steady him, and took a sip of the cold water.

What’s the worst thing that could happen ? She could tell him she couldn’t help him, maybe laugh in his face a bit ? No, she wouldn’t laugh in his face, right ? That was not a thing people with such a high degree of professionalism did in real life, right ? That was a thing that only happened in nightmares.

Was he ready to face it if she told him no ?

Well.

Jinyoung was fresh out of school.

He had spent a bit over one month as an intern.

Ahead of him were years and years and years and years.

Jinyoung was working in the biggest theatre in the country.

If the first chance he took didn’t work, there would be another one.

After all, the woman walking towards him right now had said it herself : _If they don’t like you, it’s their loss, there’s something better for you down the road, okay_ ?

He took his phone out one more time.

_If I die, just know I loved you_.

Buzz.

_You’re not allowed to die just because I need you to tell me in person_.

Jinyoung took a deep breath.

‘’Miss Kim !’’ he called, waving at her when she was close enough to hear him. ‘’Hi !’’

‘’Hi, Jinyoung.’’ Jisoo greeted with a smile, slowing down her pace to meet him

‘’Can I buy you coffee ?’’ he blurted out

She looked amused for a split second, then showed the main entrance door as if to say ‘’Shall we go, then ?’’.

Jinyoung shook his head.

‘’None of that disgusting stuff from the machine, I can’t stand it anymore.’’ he laughed. ‘’Can I buy you real coffee ?’’

Her smile grew.

‘’Lead the way.’’

Jinyoung’s hands were sweaty, and he did his best to rub them against his jeans as they sat down at the café in front of the Theatre, waiting for the coffee they ordered to be brought to their table.

‘’I wanted to thank you, first of all.’’ Jinyoung said, trying his best not to stammer and stutter and forcing his voice to stay at his normal pitch and pace even though he wanted to shriek right now. ‘’You really helped me, more than I thought, and I wanted to make sure you knew how much it meant to me.’’

Jisoo’s phone was on the table in front of her, and as usual, it was blowing up with notifications that she sometimes glanced towards, but her attention was mainly on Jinyoung.

‘’I’m glad.’’ she said

Once again, Jinyoung wondered how the hell he could have been so utterly terrified of her, and taken her for a cold and unforgiving person. Maybe, that was, one more time, just his own fear of hearing the words he was bashing himself with from someone else’s mouth.

‘’You know.’’ Jisoo spoke up before Jinyoung could carry on. ‘’I’ve been talking about you with your manager.’’

Oh no, that couldn’t be good.

‘’Really ?’’

‘’Yes. I was curious because I always see you and your colleague running around everywhere and taking care of so many things that seemed like they could have been taken care of by the other fifteen people working in the stage department, you know, so I was wondering what they were training you for exactly.’’

Jinyoung snorted.

‘’To run around everywhere, that’s pretty much it.’’ he replied

The waiter put two steaming cups of coffee on the table. Jisoo took a sip of hers before speaking up again.

‘’See, that’s my problem with internships.’’ she sighed. ‘’They dangle all of these hopes and promises under your noses, but the truth is it’s only cheap labour under the guise of doing a favour to this generation’s ‘ _unexperienced’_ youth.’’

Jinyoung felt a familiar feeling in his stomach, and dropped his head, playing with the hem of his coffee cup.

‘’Well, there’s a chance one of us might get a permanent job from it.’’ he said, trying not to think about all the effort he had put into being the one getting that chance, all this energy he spent that only brought him stress and misery in the end

‘’It’s a myth.’’ Jisoo shook her head. ‘’They’re under no obligation to hire anyone. They fill the temporary gaps for free every six months and they only hire when someone actually leaves. It’s the same thing in most industries, that’s how it works nowadays. Don’t put all your cards on it.’’

Jinyoung breathed out.

Yeah.

On their first day, when they were briefing everyone, their managers had said that there was a chance one or two of them could be hired permanently, but the year before it hadn’t happened. Jinyoung had actually found out that Mark had gotten the job because the previous junior control room operator had been promoted after his senior retired.

So Jinyoung had spent a month fighting against the wind.

‘’Actually.’’ he said, taking a deep breath, feeling his voice grow steadier. ‘’I got this internship from Sungkyunkwan University. From the acting program.’’

Jisoo’s eyes widened. She had been checking a text she had received, muttering about how it was too early for something, but now Jinyoung had her attention again.

‘’Really ?’’ she exclaimed. ‘’Are you taking auditions too, then ? So this is just a small job to try to see the other side of stage work ?’’

And there it was. The moment he had to explain himself. The moment she could laugh in his face.

‘’No…’’ he said slowly. ‘’I took the internship because I was too scared to take the auditions.’’

She remained silent a second, staring at him with an unreadable face.

‘’Is that so ?’’

‘’Yes.’’ Jinyoung breathed out. ‘’But I’ve realised that… This is what I want to do, what I studied for, this is what’s calling me. You asked me if I’d rather be scolded by the director or by my manager, but the truth is I’d rather get scolded by you. I’d rather have to answer to you. Because actors answer to you.’’

Jisoo did not say anything. Jinyoung held his breath.

The corners of her lips lifted slightly.

‘’So you missed Sungkyunkwan’s auditions calls and now you need my help ?’’

Jinyoung’s spine tensed up.

‘’I’m…’’

So. There was no going back now. He had thrown his hat in the ring.

‘’I’m asking for your help, yes.’’ he said, feeling his shoulders drop. ‘’But I’d understand if you couldn’t do anything for me.’’

Jisoo seemed to think for a second, then pushed her phone away, putting it in her pocket, and leaned forward with her elbows on the table.

‘’Did they give you agency contacts in Sungkyunkwan ?’’

‘’No…’’ Jinyoung answered, unsure of whether her response was positive or negative

‘’Typical. Many schools promise to give you the moon and forget to provide the launch rocket.’’

She grabbed her bag from the floor and started rummaging through it, while Jinyoung just watched, his muscles tense.

She took out a pen and a tiny piece of paper, put both on the table and started scribbling something.

‘’Do you have a showreel ?’’ she asked, not looking up

‘’No…’’ Jinyoung admitted, thinking back to the day one of his teachers asked if he wanted a copy of the taped exercises they had done to put on a showreel and he had declined —even though he was dying to show them to his mom and dad, but ended up telling them the school had deleted everything

Jisoo handed him the paper, which had a phone number and an email address on it.

‘’Then make one before the end of your internship and send it to me. If you need help with it, here you have my number. Everything starts with that showreel, that’s the only way I can help you. Once you have it, and if it’s good, I’ll help you get in touch with some agencies and find some auditions. Alright ?’’

Jinyoung broke into the largest smile he had ever felt on his face.

He took the piece of paper and looked at Jisoo, completely speechless. She smiled.

‘’I can’t promise anything.’’ she said softly. ‘’But I’ve seen you work your ass off, and I’ve seen you toughen up and do a great job, and nothing would make me prouder than to see you on that stage if that’s what your calling truly is. I would be honoured to have you answer to me, instead of some of those brats they send me.’’

Jinyoung nodded vigourously.

Once it was time to go back to work, Jinyoung _ran_ through the doors of the theatre. Right now, he couldn’t care less about tripping on a wire or even starting up the coffee machine, there was one thing he _had_ to do before anything else.

He almost knocked over Mark when he crossed the stage curtain and stormed into the backstage area.

‘’Jinyoung, be careful !’’

Sue him, Jinyoung had been careful far too long now.

It was time to jump, without knowing if there was a safety net, without knowing whether he would crash and burn or whether he would end up with his name on billboards all across the world.

Whatever the outcome was, he would be okay. Because he could recover, even from a fall that high.

And now he had to find the one person who had planted that seed in his mind, that had grown into a luxuriant tree.

The person who had put the stars back in his night sky.

He found him in the wardrobe area, as he expected.

Jackson was putting the costumes they didn’t need anymore back on the hanging rails to be carried back to the costume department. There were tall boxes behind him, and Jinyoung could only make out the words ‘’Fragile’’ and ‘’Museum’’.

‘’Hello.’’ Jinyoung said, grinning from ear to ear as he walked up to Jackson. ‘’Can you help me, please, sir ?’’

Jackson looked up. His face brightened, and he turned around to face him, leaving the costumes and the hanging rails.

‘’It would be my pleasure.’’ he laughed. ‘’What can I do for you ?’’

Jinyoung leaned against the table, giving him an innocent smile and swaying his body like a child about to ask for some more candy.

‘’I need an artistic director. Would you happen to know one ?’’

Jackson blinked, confused, as he walked closer to Jinyoung.

‘’What ?’’

Jinyoung’s heart was about to burst out of his chest. He bit his lip to stop himself from smiling too much, just to keep the element of surprise a _tiny bit_ longer.

‘’I’m going to make a showreel.’’ he told him. ‘’Will you help me with it ?’’

So many colours and emotions flashed on Jackson’s face, that Jinyoung wanted to memorise. Jackson grinned and lunged to engulf Jinyoung in the warmest hug he had ever gotten.

‘’A thousand times yes.’’ the fervour in Jackson’s voice made Jinyoung’s heart melt. ‘’It will be the most memorable showreel the world has ever seen.’’

Jinyoung held on tighter, hiding his face into Jackson’s neck and breathing in that warmth, that warmth that had turned his life upside down and coloured the walls of his mind.

‘’You were right.’’ he whispered against Jackson’s shoulder. ‘’I’ll never know what’s in storefor me if I don’t give it a chance first. I’m still scared out of my mind, but I’m starting to think everyone is. I’ll keep stage managing as my safety net for now, to play on two fronts while I’m getting started.’’

Jackson detached himself from Jinyoung and took his face in his hands.

‘’I’m proud of you.’’ he said, still grinning as if Jinyoung had already made it

Jinyoung beamed.

‘’I’m proud of you too.’’

He let his forehead rest against Jackson’s, looking into those eyes he was so familiar with now.

‘’You’re an inspiring person, Jackson Wang.’’

‘’Shut up.’’ Jackson blushed and tried to look away, but Jinyoung was quick to catch his chin and turn his head back

‘’No. Look at me.’’ he said, putting their heads together again. ‘’Thank God I met you.’’

Jackson shook his head.

‘’No, don’t say that.’’

‘’I’ll keep saying it until it gets stuck in your head.’’ Jinyoung insisted with a pout

Jackson laughed softly.

He brushed Jinyoung’s cheek with the back of his fingers.

‘’You would have found your way back even if you hadn’t met me. And if one day, for whatever reason, I’m not by your side anymore, you’ll still keep going, because it depends on you, only on you. I have nothing to do with it.’’

Jinyoung smiled.

He knew that now.

‘’Because I’m Park Jinyoung.’’

The smile that took over Jackson’s lips was probably the brightest thing Jinyoung’s eyes had ever laid on.

‘’Exactly.’’ he breathed out

Jinyoung dropped a kiss on Jackson’s lips.

‘’And that’s plenty good enough as it is.’’

Once again, unfailingly, Jackson smiled.

‘’Exactly.’’

Now.

Whatever the world had in store for him, Jinyoung couldn’t wait to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much if you read up to this point, I know it was long !  
> (It was 120 pages long, that’s a whole ass book wow)
> 
> Anyways, thank you !
> 
> In case you might be curious, the Shakespeare plays they’re quoting at the end are Much Ado About Nothing and As You Like It, both are comedies.
> 
> As always this was inspired by bits and pieces of interviews and videos, and by real life events, hopefully I did them justice and hopefully you had a good time reading this.
> 
> See you next time if there’s a next time !

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a chaptered fic, this is was written as a one shot but it ended up being so long that I decided to cut it so it would be more digestible.


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